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"I recently found out that my credit card was stolen but I decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than my wife."
"If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep."

Male: Haven't I seen you some place before?
Female: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?'
The other replied 'Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.'"

I've been taking martial arts classes and they are great. It teaches you how to be as powerful as a tiger, as quick as a monkey, and as smart as a dragon. Just the other day, these guys came up to me with a knife and demanded some money. So, I turned into a chicken and ran!
Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.