As you prepare to enter this weekend, please make sure you don’t expose yourselves indecently to your children. A lot of us do that unconsciously in contemporary times. I have never seen my father’s ‘distin’ till he died. Some of us, after taking our bath, dress up in the presence of our children. Don’t expose your ‘disability’. It is dangerous; you risk being in the situation I found myself in some time back. My small girl went to visit her friends in the neighbourhood. Apparently, for the first time, she saw her schoolmate bathing outside and exclaimed: “Ei Kofi, what is this thing that you have in-between your thighs? My father has some; his own is short!”

There is no better way to describe a stingy man than spotting a man sitting in economy class and crossing his legs. You no dey shy? Ei, Mr Sampene Babadu. Na so you dey? That small legroom and you want attention? What if there is a hidden hernia in between your thighs, Mr Sempua? Indeed, some risks are risky!

Economy class is a hiding place for some of us, and you want to go there and show off? Go ahead. There are many similarities between business class and economy class. Number one similarity is that whether it is business class or economy, the inside of the lavatories smells the same. Black or white passengers; same stench that no detergent really clears fully.

Whenever I am hiding in my economy class and I want to feel like business class people, I normally go and open the curtain and spy on nobody. The first time I actually sat in a business class seat, I loved it. I was not sure whether I was the one. The whisky was good. The food was super. No noise about ‘chicken or beef’. I pinched myself and told myself, “This cannot be me.”

In disbelief, I walked out to look for a seat in economy class, where I had been used to. The place was choked. No empty seat. As for the space and legroom, big! It makes it possible to stretch the seat into a bed and sleep. I envy them always.

Once in a while, just scare poverty by buying a business class ticket, go and enjoy, and come back yawning. Eyes clear? Money finished!

Economy class and its characteristic chaos sometimes. It is akin to a Zongo lane where people step on you and you are the one to say, “I am sorry.” Children cry and village folks blow their nostrils with their hats. Poverty, poverty, poverty? You er. Hmmmm! That is where you would find people laughing and clapping their hands unnecessarily.

You see what poverty can do? It will make you believe that a crowded place is the best for you. It’s a lie. Get out of the crowded place; it is sweeter at the top and in front. No be so? Na sooooo. Hahaaaaa!

I hate it when I am beginning to sound like a motivational speaker. I don’t like most of them. They make you feel that you are not working hard or smart enough. I told you before about that schoolmate of mine who keeps deceiving people that he came from nothing and now he has made it. It’s a lie. He started driving a brand-new Range Rover when we were in secondary school. His parents bought it for him. As for my father and what he bought for me…hahahahahahahaha! You, it’s okay!

If you have a wife who is beautiful inside out, there is double price to pay o. It’s not for free. If the person is not beautiful koraaa, we are already paying, and now she is beautiful inside and outside? Korku Adzevi? Na so you dey? Pay the money and be free.

Nothing like less expensive expenditure on an ugly spouse. The value is the same or higher for those inside-out people.

So I advise that people should get married early, give birth to their dream child(ren) early, and then when they start behaving like wizards to their wives, their wives can divorce them and meet their soulmates. The husbands can also divorce their wives when they start behaving like witches. Many spouses, at some point, start behaving or misbehaving like witches and wizards when they are tired of each other.

Then they go and meet their supposed dream partners, who may also have been abandoned by their spouses who are tired of their wizardry and witchcraft.

I’m talking on behalf of my neighbour whose husband has suddenly started experiencing a midlife crisis. Is it true that the only prayer God hardly answers is to pray for one’s stubborn partner to change for the better?

Hard-hearted husband or wife who is not only short in height but brief in description. Stubbornnnnn. Eish!

Jonata Papa used to receive beatings from his wife all because he would not bathe in the evening. This woman prayed saaaaaaa, but still…

On a more serious note, does God take delight in allowing divorces? I am really not sure.

I don’t know why, but the first time I heard there was a car called Jaguar, I thought it was a caterpillar – big, rugged, tough. Only for me to see the first Jaguar car in 2010, and it was a cute saloon car driven by Dr Terry Bright Ofosu of the School of Performing Arts, University of Ghana.

The car was so cute and lovely, and the performance was top-notch. I sat in his Jaguar as he drove from Kumasi to Accra in three and a half hours – those days. Man, how I love Jaguars.

Then I got to know the original animal – Jaguar! It was still small. I was like, why such a cute car with a Goliath name?

Please, when English people are naming animals or cars after animals, they should look at their sizes again. Imagine a car named Hippopotamus and it is small.

Cute things are powerful. The reason I fear cute ladies. They can drill you and you end up signing cheques that have nothing in the bank account. Cute girls? Those girls the size of scorpions with pumped-up bombom, don’t try.

Jaguar is the name. I just love the sound of the car. What is ‘trotro’? Brandless car. No be so?

Be careful with spelling mistakes o. You remember my first boss, Mr Eric T. Noi, of blessed memory. He was the big Communications Don of the Ghana Civil Aviation Authority. We lost him in 2023 or so.

The trouble I took him through before, er. He mentored me on how to write on any subject, though “useless column” was not one of them.

I drafted a letter for him some time in 2002 and put his designation under it as **‘PUBIC AFFAIRS MANAGER’** for him to sign. He signed.

Ehern! When he later detected the error in ‘PUBIC’ in a photocopy, he only called me to his office and reprimanded me for the harm caused.

“Weytin I do, Sir?”

“Mawuli, you have spoilt the job; look at your spelling of PUBLIC.”

Meanwhile, this letter had already been delivered to the Ministry o, hmmm! Fortunately, nobody saw it! The eyes were already focused on ‘Public’ and not ‘Pubic Affairs Manager’.

Why are you looking at my picture as if you don’t like your ‘pubic’ or you have not seen some before? If you don’t like it, give it to me er! At least I can use that to start my own afforestation programme at galamsey-infested areas.

That fight sef. It is not working o, or maybe we should change the strategy to make the people involved do it in a more environmentally responsible way? The ‘soldier-soldier’ approach doesn’t seem to be working. Let’s discuss an alternative, maybe.

It’s Friday and tomorrow will be Saturday. Remember to bathe in the morning, even if you don’t have any funeral or wedding to attend. I am waiting.

Boys and men, go and bathe, and I mean now.

Hahaaaaaaaa!