What does it mean when a woman says she wants to be loved desperately?

Three months into our relationship and everything was going great. We texted each other intensively and talked on the phone every morning and night until the dawn break. Young lovers. We didn’t want the days to go by without talking to each other or know how each other’s day was going. Even when we had nothing else to talk about, the “How are you?” Have you eaten?” “Did you have a nice day” kind of questions were enough to keep us going.

We hadn’t gotten intimate yet. We’ve kissed. We’ve made out in weird places but whenever I tried to take a step further, she’ll shrink and say no to me. It didn’t bother me. In my mind, she was taking her time. You know women, sometimes they like to stretch it a little bit so they can know you better and convince themselves that it was alright to get intimate with you before they do. I wasn’t in a rush. I was enjoying each step of the journey without necessarily thinking about the destination.

One morning, I woke up to her message. She said, “I love the way our relationship is going. I understand you want it to grow naturally but I don’t think we are compatible. It’s better we go our separate ways than continue.” I didn’t see that coming. It was so out of the blue that it got me shivering. I wrote back, “Felicity, what are you talking about? What happened last night while you were asleep? In fact, I don’t understand your message. Why do you say that?” She sent me a voice note explaining herself. The bottom line was that we haven’t been intimate because she thinks I don’t want it desperately enough.

She said, “Why do you lead me on and stop just when I needed it the most?” I responded, “I don’t stop, It’s you who tells me to stop.” She said, “Stop doesn’t mean you should stop. You’re a man and you should know better. If indeed you want it, you’ll break bounds to have it regardless of what I say.” I said, “Babe, but that is not love?” She said, “Babe, that’s desperate love. Well, as far as I’m concerned.” I told her, “You should consent to it before we do. If you say no, I can’t go on but if you also want it then don’t say no at the point where you say no.”

We had the chance some days after. I looked into her eyes and asked, “Are you ready for it? Should we do it?” She never said a word. She kept looking at me. We kept kissing and touching but immediately when I made the attempt, she tightened her two thighs together and stiffened herself up. I told her to relax because I wasn’t going to hurt her. I tried talking her into it but before I could get anywhere with her, she broke free from my grips, picked her bag, and stormed out of my room. We didn’t talk for days. When we finally did, she said, “You either be a man or leave me alone. Why ask so many questions at a point where only action is permissible?”

At some point, I got confused; “Is this girl trying to get me arrested or what?” I’ve heard it before and seen some before. A lot of guys go under just because a woman accused them of rape. I was not ready to be a victim so I decided to not even try at all. Not long afterward, she called to let me know she’s moving on without me. I said, “Ok.” She was shocked I didn’t put up a fight just like I did the first time she said the same. She said, “I’ve always known it. You don’t like me the way you say you do. A man should love me desperately or not love me at all.”

A few days later, she called me. She said she was checking up on me. I said I was alright. She said, “So you let me go just like that? Don’t wait till I’m in love with someone else and happy before you come with your innocent face begging me to come back. It would be too late for you. Don’t say I didn’t tell you.” I didn’t know what to say or do. Yes, I loved her and wanted her but I didn’t understand her need for forced-intimacy. It got me conflicted. I asked her, “Should I come back though I’m not ready to take it by force?” She said, “It’s not the taking it with force that’s the issue. The issue is if you love me that passionately, you wouldn’t think twice about my saying no at that point.”

I asked a few women friends I know if they thought the same way as Felicity did and they all said no but they also said it doesn’t matter if that’s what the girl wants.

I have a future to protect. I haven’t lived even half of my dreams. I have political aspirations and I have public service in mind. I don’t know how things may turn out between me and Felicity. We may go all the way or stop at some point. We may even have a bitter break up. Everything is possible in love and in war. I don’t want the past chasing after me when I’d finally made it so I gave up on her. We are friends though. We talk to each other often. That makes me believe she has no ill intention towards me but the future is not predictable that’s why I don’t want to risk it.

—Frank