Letter From The President (XXVIII): Moslems, Spruce up your image

Countrymen and women, loyalists and opponents, this has been a week of feasts for me. I have eaten different types of meat – smoked, fried, roasted, grilled, barbecued and salted. Thank Allah for Ramadan and Eid-ul-Fitr. It’s that time of the year again and I have to be very careful not to gain any extra weight. As a president, and an African one as that, you have to check your weight and make sure that you are fit to run – just in case an adventurous and overzealous but ignorant Kalashnikov-wielding man in uniform decides to decide for the whole nation that ballot boxes are not useful anymore. So even though I am chewing a lot of meat I am checking my weight and if ever (Allah forbid) any military adventurer strikes I will break Joseph’s record as he ran away from Pharoah’s wife.