Beyond Hook-ups and Spying ....

, The Internet Can Judge Who is Good For Marriage

Do you sometimes look at the not-so charming face of your partner and wonder if you deserve someone better? You take a hard, long look at the apology of a union you have tolerated for years, and imagine where you would have been if you had gone solo. What is there to kill yourself for? The Children!? You may have occasionally asked whether paying a surrogate mum or a homeless sperm donor would have given you a better result. And for those yet to take the plunge, you have often asked whether you couldn’t have found a better person to date, instead of the pretence you have lived on for a good part of your adult life. You have lowered your criteria but they do not tick even half the boxes, and each passing day, they give every indication that they would make a terrible marriage partner. Yet, you haven’t found reason to ditch them and move on. Deep in your hearts of hearts, you know you could have done better, in fact much, much better.


If you have ever asked yourself any of these questions, then you are one of thousands who have signed on to www.candobetter.com, where people in the cyber world judge your partner and tell you whether you hit the jackpot or you could have done better. Recently, the site put the marriage of Chelsea Clinton, daughter of former US President Bill Clinton, and Marc Mezvinsky, an investment banker, under cyber networking fire, and judged the newly weds a complete mismatch. A whooping 85% of the judges decided the couple could have found better matches. Of this 47% said Chelsea could have done much better while 38% thought Marc should have looked elsewhere.


Yet, their wedding was fabulous. And they seemed quite compatible. We were not forced to suspend our disbelief, as we usually do with high-profile Hollywood marriages. Yes, it was high-profile, but it seemed very true. They may not have been created for each other (I don’t think any two people are) but they appeared to have made themselves good for one another. What else did folks wish to see that was missing? Well, thing is, at any point each one of us can do better, or so we think. Haven’t I said on this forum several times that my wife often jokes that she married beneath her? She has said it so many times that
I sometimes wonder whether the statement does not come with some conviction. Usually, things that proceed from our mouths are representative of the stuff on our minds. That means she could have done better than the likes of me. I have often hoped that it is part of her repertoire of jokes, especially because she also wonders why I settled for her when she is unforgivably forgetful and is so terrible behind the wheels. And that is besides her smoking habit. Now, when she swears that she is quitting, I know it is a reinforcement of her determination to burn more cash on those dangerous, cancer-inviting white sticks.


Do I think I deserve a better person than her? Not on your life would I dignify that question with an answer, especially if the answer has to be in the affirmative. “How many women could bear with all those crazy demands and your bossy attitude?”, she has often asked. During hot arguments, she blurts: “Next time, get your mother to clone you a woman from Africa.” Well, don’t we all say things we don’t mean in the heat of things? Anyhow, I wonder how a cloned woman would be able to teach a very unromantic adult how to cuddle, as perfectly as she has done. I upped the respect I have always had for her when we had our first daughter. From that time, I wondered what part men ever had to play in the difficult nine months when water tastes like urine and food like dung. The whole surreal experience of labour and child birth sobered me forever. Beyond the midnight banging, which are often unimpressive anyway (there is so much a vibrator can do, and it gets them there much quicker), men have very little contribution to make to the procreation process. To think that we have the honour of naming children is a big bonus that men should forever thank our women for, especially because it is always their baby.


In the mood to hook-up with somebody for a quickie, or you just want to enjoy the thrill of cheating on your spouse with like minded married people, there are dating domains on the internet to satisfy your every wish. Criagslist.com offers nearly everything. Otherwise, there is always adultfinder.com, match.com, and bonetown.com for adults who want to have fun without leaving the house. Or fancy interracial liaisons? Check out darkcavern.com, where there are explicit and raunchy photos of beautiful and sexy white women who just want sex with black men. You don’t pay anything for sex, but you might be required to make some commitments in terms of registration fees. The rest of the virtual world is yours to explore. But if you really mean to meet someone for a serious relationship, there are lots of sites: eharmony.com, fidelitymatch.com, plentyoffish.com, cupid.com, Mystyriver.com etc. If you are too busy to visit any of these domains, just relax in your sofa and do nothing. The next time you check your email, a stranger would have dropped a lovely mail in your inbox, begging you for sex, love, or both.


Maybe you are unsure of your partner’s fidelity, and want to track them down. This is very easy: sign on to www.luvhertz.com. Here, you can pour out all your hurts, gossip, flirt and get some advice from others who have also been hurt. You are also permitted to dish the dirt on an ex to frustrate their future relationships, or to advise others to beware. Or, as has become the practice of many Facebookers these days, you can register on the site with a different photograph and create a new cyber identity for yourself. Next, you send a friend request to your partner. Once they accept you, the CIA job begins. But with privacy issues on Facebook making the news these days, friends on the social networking site are cautious of who they accept as friends in their cyber world. The site’s operators are also tightening some loose ends, restricting some friendship invitations. Presently, adding a friend is not always possible. You may, however, be able to send a message. That way, users have the chance to ask questions before accepting strange requests.


For better or for worse, social networking has come to stay. It will not go away, because there are new sites coming up everyday. You think you can turn heads like Brangelina Pitt? Then there is a site for you: www.darwindating.com, where their tagline is: online dating minus ugly people. And don’t be too full of yourself, because on that site they use the Chimp calculator to measure the extent of your beauty. But you are not always left out if you look like a chimp. There is a new site for ugly people: www.theuglybugball.co.uk. Here, the consolation is that you may be better looking than your rival, because the UK based site has a lot of ugly people in its membership, even though it is about two weeks old. There is apparently no calculator to judge ugliness.


Ever heard of ashleymadison.com? This site made so much news in America. Within a few weeks of its creation, some 4,255,000 had signed on. Guess what they do there. Their motto is: “Life is short. Have an Affair.’ So millions of married men and women are cheating on their partners, making marriage vows seem only as important as a tenancy agreement. Well, you would say the internet is taking back what it gave us, because we are roaming dating sites for quickie marriages, doing lots of nasty things in quickie fashion before we say ‘I do.’ But no matter how venturesome you are, do not try these sites: www.nolongerlonely.com, www.crazyblinddates.com and www.positvesingles.com. You may lose your life – all for a quickie.


Yet, we would always try new things because we want to do better and improve our emotional and financial circumstances. Unfortunately for some of us, the judges on candobetter.com mainly use looks as their main criterion. Most men have hidden under the provisions of the scripture that says that man was fearfully and wonderfully made, and have really succeeded in making themselves look very fearful indeed, while their women have become statements of beauty. Some of us would prefer a drop in our salaries to putting our good faces on the site for a biting Simon Cowell judgement. I am wondering what judgement the website would pronounce on Nigerian-American singer Seal and his stunning wife Heidi. We hope the singer fares well, at least better than Michael Douglas and Catherine Zita Jones. If Chelsea and handsome Mark didn’t do well with 85% of the judges, then, perhaps, Annie should rent a billboard and tell the whole world that she actually means it when she says she stooped low in marrying me.


So, you would ask: What do women want to see in men? Many average-looking girls think beyond the likes of John Travolta: Tall and very handsome, personal aeroplanes packed in personal hangars, a fleet of expensive automobiles, worldwide fame, A-list celebrity friends and guaranteed financial security. Could most women truly do better than that? Why not? Otherwise, there would be no divorce in Hollywood. Well, they will tell you it is not all about money. Yet, we have seen divorce settlements running into billions of dollars, the highest being Rupert Murdoch’s $1.7 billion payout to Anna. When those who are surrounded by all the comforts of life cannot hold marriage, because they want to do better, why should some ambitious women bear with their low-paid partners, just to maintain the sanctity of matrimony? Well, these days, women earn higher than men, and appear better educated. Are we in for a change in paradigm?


Before candobetter.com, we still had ways of judging our partners. We had social circles where these things were discussed. But isn’t it interesting how nearly everything about modern life is dictated by the internet? Even things that have always been part of our conservative thinking are today succumbing to the power of the internet. The printers of the good old Oxford dictionary recently put out a statement that conservative users of the
celebrated and very utilitarian wordbank should be looking forward to accessing future editions on the internet. Printed versions of the Dictionary, the book we comfortably held in our palms, often underlying our favourite words for easy reference, would no more be available in our bookstores. The announcement appeared on several internet sites. The internet still poses a significant threat to the traditional ways we do things. If we need to turn to the internet to find our words, we might as well ditch our brick houses and enter the virtual world of the internet for a very virtual existence, where divorce could be snappy with email, or even just by changing your status on Facebook.

Benjamin Tawiah lives in Ottawa, Canada

quesiquesi@hotmail.co.uk