Letter From The President: Red Alert

Countrymen and women, loyalists and opponents,
I have just concluded a tiresome tour of the Western Region. It was a very grueling tour but I enjoyed every bit of it, confident that the tour will win me a few more hundred votes. It?s so sweet being the incumbent candidate. Now I know one of the reasons why I couldn?t beat Jerry Boom in 1996. Incumbency is very, very sweet. I wish I could be an incumbent forever. That is why recent reports from Liberia about a possible guerrilla invasion of Sikaman to end my constitutionally-permitted period of incumbency have sent a billion shivers down my spine.

You might have seen me on TV smiling, ?croaking? and doing so many other things, giving the impression that I am not bothered. I am not ashamed to tell you that I am very, very worried. I can?t sleep at night without taking in some ?ogogoro?. During the day, I can?t do anything without swallowing some APC or codeine because the tremors in my head measure about 15 on the Richter scale. This ?possible? insurgency story has really scared the hell out of me. I am not taking these reports lightly at all. You know how I fear coups.