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Fashion of Wednesday, 6 February 2013

Source: Ifesinachi Okoli-Okpagu

Understanding the woman with the “Attachment Complex”

I recently watched a television series where a beautiful woman lost her ticket to the glamorous life because she got divorced. She was married to a wealthy man who had no time for her but provided her with the benefits of the rich and famous – she didn’t need a reservation to get into very exclusive restaurants, luxury shop owners called her by her first name and so on.

After the divorce, that was the end of the glamour. The restaurant owners pretended not to know her and turned her way.

In fact, she was humiliated at a restaurant when she breezed in expecting her usual table and was told, in an impolite tone, that her name was not on the list for reservations. Her husband stripped her of everything that was his and she was left hanging.

Unable to take it anymore, the lady quietly went back home and sulked, regretting her decision to go ahead with the divorce. She had the money from the settlement, but she had no name without her husband.

It’s easy to detect a woman who has the “Attachment Complex”; you can hear it in the way she talks, the way she always spends her time with him, the way she schedules her time to fit in with his, she can’t remember the last time she talked with her friends because he has successfully cut her off from them. She never feels good enough, beautiful enough or smart enough, because he is quick to criticise her and she lets him walk all over her.

She craves his attention and is quick to please him even if it goes against her moral codes. She is quick to justify his wrongs and woe betides you if you are a friend and try to talk some sense to her; you become the devil’s personal assistant.

The woman with the Attachment Complex has no time for herself and has built a life around her partner. She lives her life as a ‘yes man’ with no long term goals of what she wants. She sees children as a means of locking herself into his heart and his life, forgetting that children are individuals too and will one day leave home. If you are an old friend and you mistakenly call her by her first name, she is quick to remind you that she is Mrs. Somebody and if you are a single friend, you are not worthy of her presence until you get yourself a man.

Sounds familiar? Look around you. She is everywhere.

A woman with the Attachment Complex may not know she has it until the day her partner leaves, even if it’s for a short while. The realisation of how insignificant she is to others dawns on her when she can’t get a friend to spare her time because all her friends mysteriously seem occupied. If her partner’s absence is of a more permanent nature, that may be the beginning of Depression 101 and soon she will occupy her time talking to the mirror and reading books on ‘How to Start Life Afresh at 40’ and ‘How to Love Yourself in the Midst of Crises’.

Like a popular artiste sang, love is a beautiful thing but it is not suicidal. Love is not selfish, proud, always on the receiving end or manipulative. It seeks the well being of the significant other. If he loves you, he will ensure that you enter the relationship to become the best you can possibly be, not to be the best fantasy he can create. If you are truly in a balanced relationship, you will have time for him, yourself and those in your life while respecting each other’s boundaries.

If you are both in love, you will bear his name with pride; not as a means to make yourself happy, or to shame your friends or a ticket to a better life, but because you loved yourself before you met him and being with him means you both can work towards achieving each other’s goals. If your love for each other is not that balanced, here’s the one thing missing from your life – confidence. You are unsure of yourself; you want to be with a man but you are afraid that you will never find someone who will like you for who you are.

You are also unsure if you will ever be successful or you may be a successful woman, but you may have convinced yourself that your shortcomings are too many for any man to overlook.

Well, here is the good news – no one is perfect. You are not perfect; he isn’t either. No one is. In fact, you are probably his way of making himself feel better than someone else. The moment you start realising that and start loving yourself for whom you are, the less you will be walked all over by anybody.

Build your confidence; celebrate your strengths and work on your weaknesses. Most importantly, reach out to those who would like to help.

I like to reach out to women; to inform them that they can be confident and fearless just by being whom they are; to motivate them to be the best they want to be and to inspire them to reach for the top.

A woman is not a possession; she is an asset; become an asset and attract the right kind of people to your life.

Happy living!

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