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Tabloid News of Wednesday, 19 October 2011

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Prerequisites for Marriage in Ghana

2012 Dowry List

The Gas:

* 6 pieces of white cloth (for outdooring and Homowo)

* 12 crates of Star beer (6 for the mother-in-law, 6 for father-in-law)

* Used Albion truck or Nissan Bluebird car

* 6 live pigs (for domedo)

* One Akasanoma radio (for listening to Obunu 93.3FM)

* 2 years advance rent (cos you will be staying with your in-laws)

* 1 pair trawler

* 1 drum of akpeteshie (for libation)

* Valid residence preferably in James Town, Lartebiorkorshie, Mamprobi, Chorkor, TeshieTsui Bleeoo

The Ashantis:

* 12 funeral cloths

* Valid visa to Germany or Holland

* Shares in galamsey mines at Obuasi

* 1 store packed with “connection” goods

* 1 taxi with windscreen packed with stickers and flags

* A degree in “yobbing”

* DNA test results to prove linkage to the Asantehene

* Standard 7 certificate

* 4 sets of mortar and pestle for early-morning fufu

* Cassava & plantain farm (no fufu powder allowed)

* Ability to speak fluent “capo” language

* 1 copy of Everyday English

* Valid residence in areas such as Abossey Okai, North Kaneshie, Sukura

The Ewes:

* 6 kg of “atama” snuff (for the father-in-law)

* Over-sized Tema-station suit (for future growth and expansion)

* 4-acre okro farm (for twice daily akple and fetri dekyi

* Multi-colored XXXL towel for father-in-law (if he’s from the Southern Volta)

* 12 white “obroni waawu” singlets (for the father in-law)

* 6 pieces of multicolored vest (for Mother-in-law).

* To be used on market days - one stall at Asigame (for mother-in-law)

* Connections to work in government agencies preferably post offices and hospitals

* Carpentry certificate

* 1 large Tom cat for the after-wedding feast

* 12 sets of neatly wrapped chewing sticks

* My First Copy Book (for retired fisherman now turned student)

* Valid residence preferably in these locations: Madina, Agbogba, Adenta, Haatso, Libya Quarters, Alajo or Kumasi Anloga

The Kwahus:

* 3 year valid susu account

* Hardware store dealing in cement, iron rods, paints, roofing sheets etc

* Middle School Leaving Certificate

* Ability to sponsor Easter trips back home every year

* Valid visa and work permit in Spain preferably apple plantations

* One drinking spot blaring deafening music

* Valid residence in areas such as Dome, Taifa, Kwabenya, Saint Johns, etc

The Krobos:

* 60 tablets of Mercy Soap/cream (for bleaching)

* 12 cartons of GSMF-approved heavy-duty condoms (for extra protection)

* Ability to perform paternity tests often

* One blue kiosk

* 1 gallon yoomo for the mother-in-law’s grays

* Residence in a compound house

* 1 large asanka for mpotompoto

The Fantis:

* 1 Moulinex blender

* 1 Kenwood food processor

* 6 kg sausage

* 6 tubs salted butter

* 12 kg unsalted butter (for lighting the coalpot)

* 6 kg Cheddar cheese

* 3 kg Cheshire cheese

* 12 jars raspberry jam

* 6 jars guava jelly

* 6 jars mixed citrus marmalade

* 6 cartons Ideal Milk

* 2 cartons Peak condensed milk

* 12 packs Ovaltine (else Tetley tea bags will do)

* 12 boxes turkey tail

* 1 bucket of shrimps

* 2 buckets of octopus

* 6 crates of white eggs

* 6 crates of brown eggs

* 24 cartons of bacon

* 2 crates Queen of the Coast sardines

* 6 cartons Exeter corned beef

* Plenty of luncheon meat

* 24 bottles of Heinz salad cream

* Several cartons of beefi nam for light soup

* 2 barrels imported pig feet

* 1 sea-worthy outboard motor

* 6 sets of large frying pans to fry the bacon, sausage, turkey wings, shrimps and octopus

* A dining table set (with six chairs)

* Required High School - Adisadel College or Mfantsipim

* Participation in Key Soap TV programs especially Cantata

* Diploma in Jokacology

* Connection to work as Postmaster, Director in a ministry or as a newspaper editor-in-chief

* Eligibility to rise to become a Principal Secretary/ Chief Director

* Qualification to live in free government bungalow for life

* Ability to prove ancestral linkage to Kwegyir Aggrey. Otherwise must have roots in Cape Coast, Elmina, T’adi, Essikado, Saltpond, Mankessim or Abora Dunkwa

* A house plan (done by the most renowned architect in the country) which will always be in his back pocket, to show the exquisite house he will never be able to put up (because his wife will literally eat his money)

* Valid residence preferably in Roman Ridge, Airport Residential Area, Ringway or Esikafo Ammantem

The Akwapims:

* A Presby hymn book (Akwapim Twi version)

* Akwapim Bible (hard cover)

* Bass or tenor singer in his church choir

* 2 tubers of yam (for otoh - mashed yam and palm oil meal)

* 1 basket cocoyam (for nyoma - mashed cocoyam in soup, with some palm oil)

* 2 paint buckets of slimy snails

* 6 bunches of apem plantain

* 2 sets of “silver” for making abe-nkwan

* Ability to understand that “osu” means water, not a suburb of Accra

* Ability to say please even when insulting your spouse or mother-in-law

The Northerners:

* 12 Cows

* 6 Guinea fowls

* 6 puppies (for the wedding kebab)

* Scholarship to study in Holland

* Millet farm for pito and TZ

* Valid residence preferably in Nima, Fadama, Madina, Mallam, Kumasi Aboabo or Asawasi

The Brongs:

* 1 sack of ofrikiti (for making kontomire stew)

* 12 bush rats (for abenkwan)

* 6 smoked bats (for abenkwan)

* 12 akranties

* 6 tins DDT (for fishing

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