In what White House aides are calling "the most medically dubious diplomatic incident since the Obama tan suit controversy," President Donald Trump has announced his legs mysteriously ballooned to "unpresidented proportions" following his May 2025 meeting with South African President Cyril Ramaphosa.

"The moment I shook his hand, I felt the swelling begin," Trump told reporters while dramatically rolling up his trousers to reveal what appeared to be normally-proportioned ankles. "These used to be the most beautiful ankles in presidential history. Now look at them - though you can't really see the damage because it's more of a... deep tissue swelling. Very subtle. The best people are saying it's the worst case they've ever seen."

The alleged condition, which Trump has dubbed "Ramaphosa's Revenge," reportedly struck immediately after their Oval Office meeting where the two leaders discussed trade relations and watched controversial footage that Trump claimed showed "what's really happening over there." (Fact-checkers later determined the video was actually footage of Australian rugby fans celebrating a championship.)

White House physician Dr. Ronny Jackson III (nephew of the original) issued a statement saying, "While I can't medically confirm that handshakes cause edema, I can confirm the President has the most resilient lymphatic system I've ever seen. Tremendous drainage. The best."

Meanwhile in Pretoria, Ramaphosa's office released a terse statement: "President Ramaphosa wishes his American counterpart a speedy recovery from whatever condition he believes he has contracted. We can confirm the only transferable effects of their meeting were some awkward small talk and a complimentary 'Make South Africa Great Again' hat left behind in the Situation Room."

Trump has reportedly implemented new security protocols, including:

Mandatory ankle inspections for all African diplomats

A 21-foot "no-handshake zone" around the Resolute Desk

Replacement of all Oval Office chairs with elevated stools "to promote proper circulation"

At press time, Melania Trump was seen discreetly removing all compression socks from the White House residence while muttering, "Not again..."