The Cracks Beneath the Surface
“Why should I be scared of losing someone I never had to begin with? The signs were there, very clear, from day one but I ignored them, hoping that more love, more effort, more patience, more encouragement, more authenticity would win you over. Instead, I lost myself trying to rescue a man who was content in his own chaos, who refused to take responsibility for his actions and who took my devotion as desperation and kept disrespecting me.”
These painful words were spoken by a woman we cared for, who had suffered multiple episodes of sexually transmitted infections(STI), ultimately resulting in tubal blockage and infertility. At the core of her sorrow was a partner who persistently refused STI screening and semen analysis, yet blamed her for their inability to conceive—threatening to abandon the marriage rather than confront his own role.
Reflectintrospection
Sadly, a common but often unspoken dynamic in many relationships: one partner over-functioning, over-giving, over-sacrificing—believing that love, commitment and devotion alone can transform someone who is unwilling to grow. The tragedy lies not only in the failure to change the other, but in the slow erosion of the self.
Foundational Issues That Undermine Marriages
1. Emotional Unavailability
– One partner may be physically present but emotionally distant, creating a void that love alone cannot fill.
2. Lack of Shared Vision
– When two people are not aligned in values, goals, or emotional needs, the relationship becomes a tug-of-war rather than a partnership.
3. Unhealed Personal Wounds
– Past traumas, unresolved insecurities, or toxic, manipulative patterns can sabotage intimacy and trust.
4. Power Imbalance
– When one partner consistently gives more—emotionally, financially, or spiritually—it breeds resentment and burnout.
5. Avoidance of Accountability
– A refusal to take responsibility for one’s actions, choices, or emotional impact is a silent killer of connection.
Consequences of a Marriage in Decline
– Loss of Identity
The over-giving partner often loses touch with their own needs, dreams, and boundaries.
– Emotional Exhaustion
Constantly trying to “fix” or “save” the relationship without reciprocity leads to burnout.
– Erosion of Trust
Inconsistencies, broken promises, lies, deception, secrets and emotional neglect chip away at the foundation of trust.
– Bitterness and Resentment
Love turns into obligation, and affection is replaced by frustration.
– Divorce or Emotional Separation
Even if the marriage remains legally intact, emotional divorce may have already occurred.
🌱 Attitudes That Can Heal or Save a Struggling Marriage
1. Radical Honesty
– Speak the truth with love. Acknowledge the pain, the gaps, and the unmet needs without blame.
2. Mutual Accountability
– Both partners must own their part in the breakdown and commit to growth.
3. Emotional Presence
– Being truly present—listening, empathizing, and validating—is more powerful than grand gestures.
4. Boundaries with Compassion
– Love does not mean self-erasure. Healthy boundaries protect both partners and foster respect.
5. Shared Vision and Values
– Reconnect around common goals, dreams, and principles. Without alignment, love alone is not enough.
6. Therapeutic Support
– Sometimes, healing requires a third voice—a counselor, mentor, or spiritual guide—to help navigate the pain and rebuild trust.
7. Forgiveness and Grace
– Not as a free pass, but as a conscious choice to release bitterness and create space for renewal.
Diving Deeply
Relationships don’t thrive on one-sided effort or sporadic attention. Chaos cannot demand calm without offering it in return. If our energy is all over the place, we can’t expect our partner to be our emotional Wi-Fi.
A marriage cannot thrive on one person’s effort. Love is not a rescue mission. It is a mutual journey of vulnerability, growth, and shared responsibility. If we find ourselves losing ourselves in the name of love, it may be time to pause and ask: Are we loving this person, or are we trying to earn their love by abandoning ourselves?
True love does not require us to lose our soul. It invites both partners to bring their whole selves to the table—flaws, dreams, wounds, and all—and to build something sacred together.
Serenity Prayer
May we not merely be present but truly show up. Amen