Letter From The President: Joking Presidential Candidates

Countrymen and women, loyalists and opponents,

I hope you had a very good Easter celebration. I had a good time myself ? in spite of the speculations that I had illegally poked my stick in a certain aperture and declined to accept responsibility for the twin products of my libidinous impropriety. I know that you people can be very gullible sometimes and many of you have already been taken in by this overzealous attempt to soil my reputation.