I have given up on exercising; my knees are hurting and I am still gaining weight. Weytin be this? Ah! My stomach has now replaced my airbag. Apart from other culprits, I am told it is because of my frequent abuse of sugar and sugary things, excluding the other ‘sweet thing’ which I don’t eat with my mouth!

Sugar is sugar, whether brown sugar or white sugar. Let’s stop the discrimination and also stop abusing sugar, as I see it as another form of substance abuse. I am not too sure if akpeteshie is even better than sugar, but I know there are risks with overindulging in sweet things. Most sweet things give us problems, especially when we sin against the human body.

Did you know that when the devil is not finding it easy to get at you, the easiest strategy is to make you develop an appetite for doing simple sinful things, including small-small corruption? And you feel proud about it as an achievement in life.

Ei! As for corruption, it has become so endemic that if you are doing the wrong thing, you are the best! One may not see it clearly because it is akin to ‘a pee in the sea’! The energy with which we like to do the wrong things amazes the devil himself. Don’t drive on the shoulders of the road and you will surely get to your destination late.

Similarly, if you tell people that there hasn’t been a point in your life when you regretted marrying your spouse, you are corrupt, like me.

For the energy, if in doubt, try opening the washroom door when someone is inside or standing behind the door. Try again and let’s see the renewed energy from within. Don’t assume some people are weak o, especially those we have traditionally referred to as the weaker vessels. Maybe you have never seen a soldier woman descending on her teacher husband before. It’s a delight to watch.

It’s Fridaaayyyyyyyy and the worms are back inside my useless head. Nothing dey inside this head o, apart from water; in fact, dirty water from galamsey sites.

I asked my uncle recently why there is no galamsey in the Volta Region. According to him, it is not because there are no minerals, but because some people tried it many years ago and the gods dealt with them directly and instantly. The illegal miners returned home alright but didn’t wake up the next day.

I don’t know how true this may be, but I am convinced that every water body is a god on its own. Good evening, River Jordan. You remember what happened a few weeks ago? Those who displaced water bodies and built houses in their path. What happened next? The water came back and displaced them.

Respect the gods, including water bodies. Ignore the above and give me the bottle of water there for me to drink.

Kofi eeeyi, how far with your eye problem? If you have been diagnosed with an eye problem and they give you spectacles, please wear them. At least, they protect your eyes from pepper soup splashing into them when you try to bite a stubborn wele from a chop bar meal.

Don’t wait until you are told to go under the knife to solve the problem. This reminds me of Sewah, who started wearing glasses from age 11.

I met her last month, and her nickname is Kasoa V8. So long as I am still active at the waist, why not! She came across as good ‘food for thought’! Heavy at the back. That should suffice, whether the face is fine or not.

The very day we met, I started with my useless ‘I miss you, I miss you’ unnecessary choral music! How can I just be missing somebody I barely knew? Oh God! Please exorcise that spirit of ‘promise-security’ out of me oo and some other men! Eish!

Two days later, she sent a message asking for help. She urgently needed GH¢500 to top up to pay her school registration fee. I started shrinking down there. The only thing that shrinks a man’s fifth limb with relative ease is when a demand from this department comes up.

SIN FASCINATES AND ASSASSINATES, and HIV is still there, invisible but ‘solid’.

In fact, I was bold enough to call her and ask why so soon. In her response, she explained that the GH¢500 was actually for registration. She also wondered how come we barely knew each other and I kept saying, ‘I miss you, I miss you’ by ‘hat’?

“YOU MISS ME, I WANT GH¢500. Simple!”

The GH¢500 is pre-paid; give it to her and get your post-paid later, my brother! I blocked her line.

My beloved Ablavi is the smartest I have ever met. When I first met her, I gave her GH¢100 and she complained that it was too much. In my head, I said, this girl must be modest.

Then subsequently, she would ask for GH¢35 or GH¢23! You won’t believe that Ablavi once asked me to send her GH¢4!

As we speak, she has never asked for anything above GH¢35, but the interesting thing is that by the end of the month, put together, I spend not less than GH¢600 on her!

This village girl is smarter than many of the city girls whose eye-phone screens can buy a plot of land near Kasoa!

Whenever my wife wants to use my phone to call somebody, I start panicking with fear, as I don’t know how long it would take her to talk on my phone. The call duration has the propensity to lead to certain undisclose-able discoveries of things her eyes should have a problem seeing. Only God should know. Yes!

If you know you have a problem, don’t go asking to marry a woman who is good in bed just because of your desire to be seen. Wahala dey!

Those of us nearing 50 have started some medical self-evaluation to be sure we are fine. Thank you, and you?

The strategy we use includes watching ladies with good bombom crossing the road when the traffic lights turn red at Kaneshie First Light or around Lapaz.

I disgraced myself last week when, midway through the ‘distin’, I went ‘half clutch’. Surprised at what was happening and panting heavily, I pleaded with her while asking my wife questions that were irrelevant. For example, who invented climate change?

All of this was in a bid to buy time to regain ‘consciousness’. She was talking, talking, and before I knew it, the ‘thing’ dropped mood again as it ‘bowed down’, provoked.

At this stage of provocation, no amount of negotiations with the mind works.

Here comes the statistics of the execution plan: hotel bill, condom, food for the two of you, including a large bottle of water, chewing gum (I STILL HAVE NO IDEA WHY I STILL BUY CHEWING GUM ON OCCASIONS LIKE THIS), and T&T for her, especially if externally imported from the regions.

This is how some people (not me o) spend on girls for ‘useless’ fun at least twice every month. If you are not lucky and you meet the wrong one from the beginning, you go celebrate her birthdays every day.

Sometimes it is some of our wives who drive us there o. Is it not a truism that hardly would any wife like the child of another woman? That is the reason I am my wife’s first son—the reason she is in charge, not me.

Na joke I dey joke o, Ama!

Sometimes, you see how much you’ve spent on a side chic and think that if you have to use a condom, it will be a ‘waste’. Then you think that this ‘meat’ must be eaten raw, and you end up spreading diseases around.

God forgive you and me.

So, what about Kasoa V8? Have you ever seen anybody in Kasoa owning a V8 before? Those you see drive past; they don’t live there.

My neighbours who drive 8 will finish me today.

What a ‘country’ where everything negative that happens, we dey inside.

Kasoa? Hmmmm!

Have a nice weekend oooo…. Mapon!