Have you noticed that in Umofia land, political people, legal people, and writers often want the easy way out? If in doubt, check the profiles of most of us – we hated and avoided Maths and Science. I am one of them. Weytin concern me with especially mathematics and physics when I can 'solve my country’s problems’! Hahaaa! Welcome to the useless column o. Here, we can be satiric and sarcastic…sometimes, but it’s all for the fun of it, anaa? The most abstract of writings can be found here, so please – don’t read!

Did you know that a mouse that relies on entering ‘other holes’ instead of digging and remaining in its own holes will one day, one day, encounter a snake? Sin fascinates and assassinates! Be smarter than your body; you have control over your body than you think; as for me, I don’t.

That is why it is important that you ‘eat’ only what you feed and feed what you ‘eat’. Similarly, dress what you undress and undress what you dress only. That is the reason I don’t know how sugar entered watermelon, whose inside is so red.. with seeds. I am still doing the research.

Okay, so in primary school, everyone wanted to be a pilot, lawyer, engineer, or doctor. I really don’t remember anyone saying he or she wanted to be an insurance expert or a satirical writer like myself. In my case, air hostess was what I wanted to be in future, even though Anunmle 3 primary school didn’t teach me that the word ‘hostess’ was for ladies. After JSS, I found myself holding a trowel, plastering walls as a mason apprentice. Carrying 6-inch blocks became my hobby, and I asked myself where the air hostess dream has vanished to. I saw a mate of mine in the stone quarry recently and asked myself if he was the same person bent on becoming a journalist. I met another one 4 years ago who is now a Ghanaian millionaire entrepreneur, though his childhood dream was to become a police officer. Hmmm! This life!

The truth is that most of us don’t know what God’s plan is for us, especially in our part of the world. My nephew Sonnie, when asked what he wanted to be a politician just because his mother always told him that he is consistently inconsistent with whatever he says. But Sonnie is on course as he is learning masonry after his WASSCE. Sonnie has made a good decision. Imagine a mason who is an SHS graduate. I should have continued myself because by now I would have been a billionaire. Masons and other artisans are so scarce these days. Hardly would you find the youth showing interest in learning an artisanal trade. They are interested in bets and shortcuts like MoMo scammers. Meanwhile, it’s the technical education that really builds nations o, anaa? Anyway, we like talking, that is why I am also talking.

I used to be very worried about little but important things at home until I changed, since she won’t change, or rather continues changing! Do you remember some time back when I mentioned how my wife keeps changing and refused to change?

She would only lie at par with me whenever she wanted ‘to collect’. Last week, I noticed she slept in the corridor where the akpasa or lazy chair was. I came back from work, brought a metal ladder, and gave it to her as a gift. She didn’t know what kind of gift this was.

The story, therefore, has it that, for some time now, she has stopped sleeping in my bedroom. She sleeps in her room. When she needs it, she would come in the middle of the night to come and ‘collect’ and go back. Please don’t ask me ‘to collect’ what? Hahaha! Then, recently, she resumed sleeping in my room again. I didn’t say anything. Later, even though she sleeps in my room, she does so on the floor. Still…I didn’t say anything. Then last month, she started sleeping on our bed, or is it rather my bed again, but this time round, her head goes down and her feet up, where my head is. You see that kind of arrangement where anyone can ‘fire’ after eating gari and beans, and the other one can hear the sound and often the pungent odour – ehern! Later, I noticed that she would sleep in this position, but in the middle of the night, she would turn to sleep head to head with me. It is only with this that I now understand the principle of head-to-head in the game of football. Just last night, she was the first to go to bed, and guess what – she slept across the bed, denying me access and compelling me to sleep across the bed too – I slept on the floor! Life goes on, peace is prevailing.

Around the Easter holidays, she kept ‘mutating’. When it was 2 am, she was not in bed. I woke up suddenly and went out to look for her, only for me to see her lying on a student mattress in the corridor. So this morning, I went to buy a ladder. She came to query me about the purchase. I explained to her that the way things were going, I won’t be surprised if one night, I find her trying to climb and sleep on the rooftop, the reason I made provision for the ladder, just in case. She vex!

I don’t know what to do again sef. Good morning to all those who are getting ready to get married this weekend. Hurrayyyyyy! You are welcome; you need shock absorbers – men have an equal responsibility to ensure the success of a marital union, so do women!

You can’t please each other in marriage – just do your best and be grateful to God for giving you such an ‘incorrect’ partner like me. Hahaaaa!

But can anyone actually graduate while trying to understand their spouses? It’s a biiiiig NO!

If people say you are a wizard, please show your teeth in black and red because no matter what, you can’t please people! People won’t like you just because you are nice to them o, they told me before, so I am telling you, Gbevu. The truth is that nobody really values nice people. Trust me, the people seen as rude and arrogant are better respected than those who call themselves Mr Nice Man or Ms Nice Woman! Don’t think about it; just be a nice person!

I am not a nice person, so I am going to post religious quotations on my WhatsApp status and still do the opposite o. Fear me. Hahaaaa!