Are These Women Manipulated Daughters or Selfish Wives?

There is a trend among some Ghanaian women that is deemed the height of selfishness – while others perceive the ladies as conformists obliging to expectations. Most Ghanaian women are taught, mainly by their mothers, to bring home “adepa” when they enter into nuptials. These same mothers also teach their lasses that once a lady gets married, her home is where her husband is. So, when a mother advises her daughter to bring home “adepa”, to which abode is she referring? Clarification is needed on the preceding as some wives seem to be confused as to where home is, and with whom they are to build a life.

It’s been alleged that some women keep their salaries in secret bank accounts, while their men are left to solely foot the majority of the household bills. A few men in this forum have made a convincing case that their wives conceal money with the intent to raise mansions in Ghana for themselves, and then spend the remaining to fulfill other self-interests. I initially believed the charges leveled against the ladies and agreed to condemn the practice in a form of an article. But, in the ensuing days, doubts began to set in. My incredulity led me to call a friend of mine, Baffour, who is a gregarious fellow with a large number of friends. The gist of our conversation is reproduced below for all of us to make reasonable assessments.

Most of Baffour’s friends being married Ghanaian men, I asked Baffour whether he would mind if I probed some of them – to ascertain whether their wives hid their earnings while the former alone honored the couple’s monetary commitments. Baffour asked: “Is this a topic for your Ladies Auxiliary to discuss?” “No, it is not for the Auxiliary, I am just curious,” I replied. “But what prompted the curiosity?” Baffour queried. I gave him a narration of what Ghanaian women are being accused of, and concluded: “I am seeking affirmation, if you will.” “I will call you back,” Baffour responded.

Baffour returned my call within ten minutes. No sooner than I had recited the obligatory “Hello!” Baffour declared: “If you are seeking a Ghanaian man’s perspective on the selfishness that consumes your ‘sisters,’ then look no further than your own Baffour.” “What are you talking about; your wife is practically a saint!” I exclaimed. Baffour was silent for what seemed like an eternity, then he sarcastically asked: “She is a saint, is she; why, because she sits in a pew every Friday night and Sunday morning? That woman has fooled all of you!” “Did he just refer to his wife as ‘That woman’?” I thought to myself.

Baffour explained that when I called earlier, he was in the house with his wife. And that he needed to go for a walk to enable him have some privacy to delve into the issue of Ghanaian women and their self-serving ways – his wife being selfishness personified! Baffour brought his then-fiancé to America eight years ago, and they married a year later. Per Baffour, he felt, at the time, that he was the luckiest man alive. His wife was a caring person who could easily be described as the “perfect wife.” But two years later, after she gave birth to their daughter and shortly after his mother-in-law came to visit, Baffour’s missus became a different person altogether.

His wife, who diligently deposited her paychecks into their joint bank account in the past, decided to now open one for herself. The separate account would not have bothered Baffour were it not his wife’s sudden refusal to assist with their financial obligations, with the flimsy excuse that providing for a family was the sole responsibility of a man! Among a slew of irritants, Mrs. Baffour now pestered her husband about the need to build a house in her hometown. Never mind that Baffour’s “roots” were elsewhere! Baffour was not sure what sort of advice his wife’s mother was providing her, but he was certain that the older woman was the culprit behind the drastic change in his wife’s behavior.

One year later, when Baffour’s mother-in-law was to return to Ghana – as had been agreed before she arrived in the U.S.A – the woman said she was not ready to go back. It was not until last year that his mother-in-law finally returned to the former Gold Coast; but, sadly, Baffour’s missus is yet to revert to her former self. He still grapples with how his mother-in-law was able to influence his wife to that degree. Per Baffour, he could talk ad infinitum of the hellish life he has had to live, but suffice him to say that his wife is far from a saint.

The Baffours now have two daughters – one of whom is only two years old. Baffour says but for his little girls, he would have ended his sham of a marriage eons ago; even if that meant losing his worldly possessions to “that woman” in divorce proceedings. Though he intends to be present in his daughters’ lives, Baffour decreed that the demise of his union was inevitable. And he certainly would not entertain the notion of getting involved with a Ghanaian woman thereafter. Baffour further declared that, had his children been boys, he would see to it that their future spouses were not women of Ghanaian descent.

Alarmed, I stated: “Baffour, are you not taking this a bit too far? You cannot fully fault, and write off, all Ghanaian women. You must understand that expectations are high for the ladies to provide ‘adepa’ for their moms once the former get married. And woe unto a daughter who fails to conform – hence the tendency to please their mothers at all costs.” “What?” Baffour shouted, “You are defending the behavior I just recounted?” “Of course, I am not. I am just trying to help you make sense of your wife’s new behavior,” I clarified.

With exasperation in his voice, Baffour stated: “For once, take off your feminist blinders and see these women for what they are – self-seeking individuals who do not understand the institution of matrimony.” I wanted to respond but Baffour did not pause. “They enter into marriage not for the sake of love but to amass wealth for themselves. Altruism is an alien concept to these creatures. Their earnings are kept in iron-clad bank accounts that no one is allowed to even take a whiff of. But when it comes to devouring their husbands’ earnings, their voraciousness is unmatched by any creature known to man!” Baffour added.

I no longer had the words, more aptly the heart, to rebut Baffour’s assertions, but rather tried again to make him see possible reasons why some ladies behaved in such manner. I assured Baffour that he had my empathy, but that he should please bear in mind that some Ghanaian women do have very manipulative mothers. When daughters refuse to kowtow to said mothers, the latter are known to make their progenies feel guilty, with utterances such as, “Me wu a, ensi mayie ase!”, to wit, “Don’t bother coming to my funeral when I am dead”!

I told Baffour I had such mothers in my own family and began to relate a story about one of them, but he interrupted me: “No, I do not want to hear any story that attempts to justify this level of greed! Honestly, affirmation is not what you seek, but rather someone to debunk the repulsive antics of these women. I can let you probe my buddies; I guarantee that they will each tell you varying degrees of what I have revealed to you. If you doubt me, jot down their numbers and call them.” “That will no longer be necessary,” I stated conciliatorily. We talked for some time; I asked Baffour why he had never mentioned the problem and he responded thusly: “Society tells us that ‘boys don’t cry,’ so we suffer in silence.”

I do not refute Baffour as he is not a known liar – and my doubts about what some gentlemen shared in this forum have been allayed. However, I cannot in good faith condemn Ghanaian women for I do not have the resources to scientifically ascertain if these are isolated occurrences, or a prevalent problem. I will say this, however: Some Ghanaian men are on the cusp of misanthropy toward their female counterparts and we must avert it!

So, ladies, if you are among those who are “guilty” of what Baffour and other gentlemen have revealed, are you willing to reform? Also, what is the reason for your behavior? Would we be egregious to deduce that you entered into matrimony as a means to obtain wealth for your personal ambitions? Or is there a deeper reason for your antics? Of course, we would also like to read/hear any views or concerns that our Ghanaian Kings may have.

Lola, Washington, DC