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Opinions of Wednesday, 30 December 2020

Columnist: Mawuli Zogbenu

Watermelon’s sweetness is red

Mawuli Zogbenu Mawuli Zogbenu

How is the feeling like if you… if you… if you….if you what? Ah! You see I can’t even talk! How is the feeling like if you give a soft loan to a very close friend of yours and he thinks it is a gift or a dash? Ei! Usually, the ananse feeling starts ‘filling you up’ when a day after the due date comes and he is still not telling you anything.

You call him on phone to say ‘Hello’ in a subtle manner just to remind him of his indebtedness and he starts talking about Chelsea and Man U? Ei my friends who are still supporting UKK’s Accra Great Olympics, you have heart paa o. I beg, I didn’t say Arsenal o.

‘Oly Pandemic’ has already won the premier league. The most important thing they did was to beat a giant – Kotoko. They don’t mind even if at the end of the premiership, they go home; they would find a way of coming back into the premiership if, God forbid, it so happens that they…they…they…hahahaha!

Oly is just like America going into the 2014 world cup. They didn’t come to play to win the trophy o. All they were interested in was to beat the Black Stars of Ghana who beat them in the 2010 Mundial. After that, any other country that would beat them, they didn’t mind.

Though they didn’t travel far in the tournament, USA went home very happy; after all, they beat Ghana. After all, they beat a ‘short-distance’ giant – Ghana!

Finally, 2020 is about to come to an end and all we need to do is to thank God for our lives and make NO 2021 resolutions. Please stop deceiving yourself and go and rest. It doesn’t work especially if it’s about ‘womanisation’. Last year I told myself 2020 is going to be only fruits and vegetables and I received goats and chicken as gifts. What did you think happened? Abeg, leave me alone o. Hahahahaha!

If you happened to have lived in a compound house with plenty ladies before, you would learn how to control yourself and your appetite for meat. I used to live in a compound house like that at Kisseman. All tenants shared the same bathroom, no toilet, no light.

In case you didn’t know, electricity came to Kisseman only in 1995 when some young university graduates and undergraduates went to ‘shout’ aaaaaa before they brought the light to Kisseman. Imagine a town surrounded by University of Ghana, Achimota School, GIMPA, Atomic Energy and the prestigious Achimota Golf Club not having light for so long a time. Haaba!

When we connected the power from the pole, that night when the light came on, we still left the lantern and candles in jubilation as we were so used to it; in fact we were born into lanterns and studied with lanterns till we finished secondary school and some after university!

These lanterns have given me eye problems sef. Ehern, why is it that when you go to an eye clinic, after the initial tests, the doctors tell you they suspect glaucoma han? Or is it bcos it is the commonest eye disease? Everywhere I went, they say they suspect glaucoma but I know my problem – wassaping in the night in the dark known as wassap-coma! Simple.

Those days in the compound house, there were about 21 chamber and hall rooms, in effect 21 families with an average of 5 members per family. We had a bathroom but no toilet. Every morning, we had to walk at least 2 kilometers or a little longer to go and do the ‘this thing’ depending on how the ventilation and ‘aroma’ there was like. That was when people went to church to purposely pray against running stomach in the night. Where would you go with this thing if it comes knocking at your door at 2am? Anyway for those who the prayers didn’t work for, it led to an increase in sales for those who were selling polythene bags!

About 8pm on independence day 1997, I went to bath. Do you remember there was an earthquake that afternoon during the parades? That reminds me of this cluster of schools called Ashiedu K3t3k3! Their parade commander was some man teacher bi with ‘plenty backside’ and big stomach; he was the toast of independence day march pasts in the early ’90s at the black star square when the late Papa Boom used to be the man at the helm of affairs.

When marching, this Ashiedu K3t3k3 teacher would make a left turn to the presidential dais with a funny way and pushing his buttocks to the back and his stomach almost falling down in front, oh my! He got all the applause from school children, audience and those who watched black and white tv live at home etc. That was between 1992 and 1995. That man, must be on retirement by now or else I will suspect him of using table tennis age! How I wish I could get this man and profile him! The great man from Ashiedu K3t3k3 cluster of schools in the early 1990s!

Those were the days some of us got to know that even though Akkra Aka and Legon Presek were boys’ schools, they also had girls attending school there. Ei so you didn’t know that these two schools had girls who came to do their 6th form there bcos of their strength in the sciences? General Coach Korjo Whytuuuuuus…..bl333oo! Hahahahaha!

Where was I mpo? Yes, this is what happens when a column decides to call itself ‘useless’; everything becomes basaaa!

I was in the bathroom when the Azumah blow soap (nku kportoi) I was using to bath slipped from my hand and fell in the dark. With soap lather on my face, I stretched my hand to pick it. Yes I picked ‘it’ but to my surprise it suddenly became unusually too soft, biger, long and curved. This soap couldn’t have melted immediately like that. I was taken aback. You see how it feels like when you leave soap in water for long, how it becomes very soft? Yes that is how it was.

I used my left hand to wash my face to see how this soap could miraculously become so soft and some stench immediately wafted across my nose. Kai, somebody dropped ‘the thing’. I am sure the one who downloaded it there was under ‘pressure’ while bathing and thought it was timely to drop it there. But he or she was, ei, I nearly said irresponsible; he could have flashed it. It was so disgusting I couldn’t stand it. I used a short broom there to ‘demolish’ and crash it into pieces and flashed it though with an unbearable stench. Two people were my suspects: Bra Seth, a very fat and quiet man and Auntie Korkor, a glutton. May their souls rest in peace!
So this year’s international toilet day, what did it achieve? The annoying thing was that it coincided with ‘international men’s day’!

I will support any local assembly leader who would insist that every household in their communities should convert at least one of their rooms into a toilet facility for occupants. It is as important as the rooms we live in. If that is not done, the black polythene bag sellers would be making a lot of profit oo, yoo!

The story didn’t end there. One hot afternoon, I went to bath. I was wearing a very weak and torn ‘supporter’ what we call ‘pant’ today. On my right hip of the supporter was a big hole - torn.

Usually, I would bath and wear it again before covering myself with a towel and walk to my room with swag. That ‘supporter’ was made in Ghana of khaki fabric. After bathing I left it on top of the bathroom and Esi Gborgborvon brought it running to me in the full glare of everybody that: ‘Hey Bra Mawuli, you have left your kaki supporter here o; come, take it’. I disowned that supporter immediately o. It is not mine la ah! What kind of embarrassment be that? Who send am sef!

So you believed these lies too? Weytin concern watermelon’s sweetness in this whole abstract of lies? After all, who does not know that no other part of the watermelon is sweet apart from the soft red part with some black black seeds as design? Bad mind at work! Hahaaaaa!

Wishing you a very Happy New Year and be positive about it, that’s all!