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Opinions of Thursday, 27 May 2021

Columnist: Mawuli Zogbenu

Usless Column: Fufu Orgasm

Mawuli Zogbenu Mawuli Zogbenu

Ei! I am beginning to wonder the future of some company professional drivers o. You know why? It looks like because of COVID and other contemporary management practices with the view to reducing costs, a lot of Officers want to drive by themselves, anaa? Companies are now finding ways to reduce their wage bills and I fear for some company drivers.

What worsened my fears the most is the fact that a nephew of mine called me last night that he wants to learn how to drive so that he can become a company driver. ‘I see’ was my response to him!

Some of the drivers too, the least said about them the better. If you have ever been assigned a driver, I am sure you have your own experience too and understand what I am saying. Mostly because some of them are your ‘closest’ colleagues, the tendency to bond with them is very high. You share personal experiences, family, work, girls, jokes, small small office gossips, etc and laugh about them especially if on long journey.

In the human relations theory, I studied before, it is good to bond with every employee but there must be limits and clearly drawn lines. Be nice to them but don’t go beyond a certain limit. A former Boss once told me that he could be driven from Accra to the farthest part of the country but won’t converse with his driver to and from the trip.

I thought he was being wicked but I later got to know why; he did so to ‘protect’ himself and to make the lines conspicuous enough. It is nice to be nice to one’s subordinates but if one is not careful, it is only a matter of time that ‘your house-girl would start watching TV in your bedroom when your husband is on leave and you are gone to work’! Madam Nice Woman nie, ayooo! Very godly! Hehehehehe!

I once had a company driver assigned to me who was so good. Always on point but... hmmmm! I recall a trip with him and we decided to go and eat fufu in a good mood somewhere. I bought fufu 3 cedis and he, my driver bought fufu 4 cedis.

Because he knew I was a ’Nice Man’, I would by all means be the one to pay for the food we ate at the same eating place. I bought a piece of meat at 6 cedis and my driver bought 2 pieces of that costing 12 cedis. So at the end of the day, my total bill was 8 cedis and his was 14 cedis. I happily paid the total amount of 22 cedis but started looking at him some way but how for do! He was my friend on the journey.

He was the first to finish his meal so he went into the car at the time I had also entered the washroom for a ‘minor operation’. Unknown to me, he bought fruit juice and was sipping it small small while waiting for me in the car.

Moments after taking my seat, the seller of the fruit juice walked to me and said my driver says I should pay for the fruit juice. Meanwhile, me myself I drunk only water on the fufu o and still felt okay. To be honest, I made him pay for the fruit juice.

Then that unforeseen time came when it was time for redeployment and Heads of Department were made to recommend who should go. Hehehehehehe.

Anyway, the long and short of it was that I learnt how to drive by myself even if I had to travel to the farthest destination. At least I saved some money which I would have spent on fruit juice that I didn’t drink!

There are somethings that are not taught in the classroom. Imagine you having the privilege of visiting a big man or woman with your Superior. He gives out his or her complimentary card and you too, you give yours out to your Boss’ host. I see! Even if your Boss’ friend or host requests to have your card and you have, tell him or her you are now printing some new copies since you have changed some contact information on the old one. Finish!

‘Followership skills’ is what my home-educated father taught me before he died some 27 years ago, out of poverty. One of such lessons he taught me was never to jump into a conversation my Superior is engaged in with another person. If possible, I should leave a reasonable distance until they are done with their conversation. Perhaps, he had some useful points.

But some subordinates are fond of that; after a function, when their Boss wants to take a group picture with other dignitaries, they would also jump and want to be part of the picture.

Some readers may disagree with this but that is what my late father advised me against o. As to whether it makes sense or not, me di333, I think it does!

Greetings to the Chairman of the International Useless Column Fun Club, Mr Paul Ampadu-Yeboah. Wisdom and home-knowledge di3333, you sabi o. Ha!

Prof, you remember that my experience? One of the most difficult things to do is when travelling on a long journey with my boss and I feel like urinating but cannot tell him or her. Until he or she requests the driver to stop for him or her to urinate, I have to suppress mine till I get to the point of my bladder exploding! It is even more serious if your boss is a female. Kai! You know most of the women are able to suppress the urge for the whole day unlike male bosses and so if you have to wait for her to say ‘driver, stop, I want to urinate, hmmmm!

I travelled with my boss some 8 years back and o my God. I’d drunk three sachets of pure water after a breakfast of one olonka of tea before the trip. Just like a woman in labour, I started having ‘contractions’ to urinate but who am I to tell my boss to stop because I want to urinate? Thankfully, after an additional 18 kilometers into the journey, he requested to urinate. Oosh! The relief! I heaved a sigh of relief bcos it gave me the opportunity to urinate too.

Some 30 kilometers into the journey, I started feeling the urge again. Of course, it was time for the remnants of the tea and pure water to come out. I was dying and compelled to ask my Boss in a very diplomatic way so I went like: ‘Sir, don’t you feel like urinating again?’

Trust his response: ‘my friend, if you feel like urinating say it and stop the political beating about the bush’, he said with some serious look. I just prayed he didn’t change his mind. I then confessed I was dying and after ‘clearing myself’ and pleaded in advance that in another 30 kilometers he should allow me to urinate again. Eish!

The moral of this unnecessary story is that when travelling with your Boss don’t drink too much tea and pure water but feel free to politely ask that you just received an SMS requesting you urgently pay your waterbill or else your ‘tank’ will burst’.

Today is pay dayyyyyyyyyyyy…..all the girls in my life, I’ve blocked them. I don’t want to see any whatsapp message that reads: ‘Ei, it’s been a long time o; just checking on you. Obua! The next message to follow is: ‘I am broke o, Hun”. Be broke er, na me born you? Hahahahahahaha!