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Opinions of Thursday, 29 April 2021

Columnist: Mawuli Zogbenu

Useless Column: Woman hair!

No woman in labour starts discussing when to have the next baby or? The pains they go through er! After that the real motherhood begins especially the initial changing of diapers of babies who start eating meat and eggs in their early stages. The stench? Lord God have mercy! God bless our Mothers!

One of things I was taught early in life is that when you are learning how to speak a new language, don’t talk too much. This is similar to saying ‘you don’t try to overtake when learning how to drive’. No be so? Hello? Am I talking to myself? Hahahahahahaha! If that is the case, then it is normal.

When responsibilities start piling up on you, you can be in your suit and be talking to yourself without knowing. I believe that is what is happening right now. If you don’t know, you may think you di333, you can never talk to yourself when walking alone. You lie; it happens unconsciously CCTV camera no catch you before talking to yourself er? Hmmm!

The problems plentey! Wifee calls to say corn dough is finished and the gas cylinder is empty. Then you have a lady friend you have been enjoying with and she calls to tell you her rent is due! Whom are you going to talk to apart from yourself, Yaovi?

Some people say it is cheaper to go in for the ladies whose eyes no open too much and with them, GH¢30 cedis should be okay. GH¢30 Ghana for a lady? Why? And you call yourself sugar daddy with such low sugar level? So how is she going to rent that single-room-self-contained with porch? Haaba! Look sharp, Brother man!

If you like, you can go in for a used clothes seller and think she won’t make heavy demands on you. It is only a matter of time and she will start asking you for money to buy container to sell human hair! Yeso, the human hair some of our Ghanaian women crave for, can’t they grow their own hair to grow into what they want to buy from certain unknown human beings, whether alive or eyi? Human hair? From where? Hmmmm! And they are so expensive too. I learnt human hair from some country in Southern America where they play football can cost as high as GH¢6,000!

Whaat! How many bags of cement can this buy? I think I want a lady friend like that. Like hunger alone would kill her! 6,000 for hair alone, no shoes, no hostel rent, no momo? Ha! Besides I don’t know if some of our women who buy these types of human hair know the owners of such hair.

Is there an industry abroad that all they do is to grow hair, cut and export to Africa for sale at such exorbitant prices? Where are they? My Alma Mata is missing out on some multi-million dollar business where hair would be grown, cut and exported o, hahahahahaha! My guy, wosop? How far with Motown and things?

You keep buying those human hairs even though you don’t know where they are coming from. Put them on and one day you would start talking to yourself. Maybe the original owner sef no correct…. who knows!

Has your wife ever asked you to hold the baby while she attends to something else at home? I have devised a very nice trick that is working for me. Please don’t take a cue from me o.

To babysit a child under one year is no joke. Three years ago I got back from work very tired and my mother-in-law’s daughter ‘clamped’ me by asking me to hold and be singing for Maka. You know at this point you can’t do anything again especially having a super- hyper baby like Maka. Me too I had some important reports to write.

After only 40 minutes of ‘hard work’ i.e carrying a baby, my wife seemed to be comfortable somewhere writing her ‘Lesson Notes’. Women dey try o. Respect mothers o. An idea came to mind: pinch this babygirl small so that when she cries out loud, her mother will come for her.

It worked o. Heerrrrrrhhhh! I became free to do other things now. Kw33333! If you don’t use your head, your body will suffer! I just pinched the baby a little but hard enough to make her cry and the mother would come for her la.

You don’t even need to tell wifee the usual excuse: ‘your baby is crying’ as if you have no stake in that child. The next time you say that, I will ask you to go and do DNA test! ‘Your child is crying’? I see!

Anytime I see mothers with babies strapped to their backs sitting in the back of some rickety truck coming from Kpassa, at the vagaries of the weather rain or shine, I weep. My brother, women suffer too much especially the under-privileged.

Ei, the last time I went to Israel, I saw the sycamore tree there and an Israeli lady was there looking at my face as if to tell me something. The tree is still there o. I’ve been asking you to travel and see yet…always Aflao, Kukurantumi, Sege! Always Begoro, Oyibi, Obomeng, Danfa and Wenchi.

Why? Travel outside the country small and see things for yourself. Ah! So you believe I actually went to Israel? What is the one near Tabora-Alhaji doing? You can go there too…on tour but not in these days of COVID 19!

Please let me ask oo. All the men who keep shouting on radio and television and all over the place advocating more leadership roles for women, do they really mean it from the bottom of their hearts? Just asking oo bcos I don’t trust in the sincerity of the way they say it o. Men o men! Ayoooo! I don’t want to sound misogynistic, but I just want to know how many of such men and women voted for women in the last erections to become NPs?

Many women too have no idea how most of us, men feel threatened when they want to take over o! Yeso! Our egos no go gree! Even at home, when your wife is the one in charge with higher salary, won’t you feel some kan way? Ask your husband to give you an honest answer and swear under oath and you would understand my position on this! The swearing sef won’t come and he would quote the Bible saying ‘thou shall not swear’.

Obua! Men, we are first class enemies of progress o due to our egos; we only pretend. If even 60% of the women who stood as NPs had won, don’t you think Parliament would be sweet paa. Just imagine them in their kaba and sleet going to work! Awwwwww! It would be so nice papa!

Let me ask you o, Mr Francis, no vex o. What would you do if you have only GH¢130 on you, you get to a guest house on Friday night with your ‘guest’ to go and ‘pray’ and your budget for the room is GH¢60 and you are told all the GH¢60 rooms are full and that the only available room is GH¢170 and your girlfriend is walking by your side too looking into your face and smiling? I don’t need your advice for anything; after all, I sorted myself out last Friday wae. I wasn’t easy! I spoil o! It’s pay dayyyyyy!

Hahaaaaaa!