They say, “A well-fed lady goes to bed naked!” As to how true this may be, it only sounds logical because my wife will wear jeans and ‘come to bed’ wearing jeans trousers with a thick zip in front.

To be fair to her, it is only when I don’t take my bath, smell of alcohol and jot, and have unbrushed teeth. I want to stop these habits o, but people keep dying on our roads through reckless driving, and anytime I hear news like that, I want to mourn even if I don’t know the deceased.

Please, let’s take it easy on the roads o, people. One dead man on the road is not really the problem, but the number of dependants who would lose a breadwinner. Have you checked whether the insurance on your car has expired? Just dial 92057#. Driving an uninsured car makes the matter even worse.

Stay alive; let’s continue to have fun every weekend with the ‘Useless Column’, but remember: ‘don’t read’!

Sammy ey, tell me the truth; do you still bathe in the morning in this our cold Ghana weather when you are on leave or when it is a weekend, especially Saturday mornings? Abeg, don’t tell me I am the only one o. Hahaaaaaa! Bath? For where? Extremely unconstitutional!

Marriage comes with many expectations, and intimacy is certainly one of them. But like everything else in marriage, it requires understanding, communication and consideration from both partners. At 55 years old, you have divorced your wife and want to remarry? Ei! To do exactly what with the new woman, Kwamiga?

When I was young, I used to think that every whiteman was a rich man until I travelled up north of Africa, only to realise that some of us, black people, are also richer than some ‘whitemen’. Forget the skin colour; poverty is a private matter and personal choice.

It is only poverty that can drive 39,000-plus people to cross the Mediterranean in search of greener pastures. I can understand them because they don’t see green, green things like that in their part of the world on the African map.

What surprises those ‘whitemen’ is the fact that West Africans also go in search of greener pastures. Yesterday, I ate kenkey without tomatoes just because the seller said tomatoes had become expensive because we are no longer getting supplies from a desert country.

Ei, Ghana! See the vast greenery that one sees travelling from Kumasi to Accra alone, yet we are unable to cultivate common tomatoes. Living by the river bank and persistently complaining of thirst!

Good morning, Central, Eastern and Western Africans. We are the best because we possess the best in terms of green vegetation yet… puin!

I am planning evil o. I am trying to see how much investment I have made into her life since I met her. In my head, this relationship must end in the next ten days. I don’t last long in casual relationships like that.

Three months of lying to each other that ‘I love you’, ‘I love you’ without meaning it? I am tired already and will end it p333 because I have repented. She is not even aware of what is in my head. Her birthday is next month; I have to be strategic and jump out quickly.

I hate birthday celebrations. They are just reminders that one is getting ‘closer’. The reason I hate it is that when people wish me ‘happy birthday’, they remind me that I should be getting ready for pension in ten years’ time.

Last three months, I went to buy bread at GH¢5 at her shop and gave her a ten-cedi note. I asked her to keep the change. She kept it.

Two months ago, I bought biscuits from her which I didn’t need anyway. I gave her a GH¢20 note, expecting a change of 15 cedis. I asked her to keep it. After all, kindness is my hobby.

Yesterday, I bought toffee at GH¢4 for her two-year-old son, Junior.

It is weekend and my wife has travelled with the family; what should I do with all the available bedrooms in my house? It is time to ‘cash out’ on all the change I have been foregoing and the toffees I always buy for Junior.

They were baits; she didn’t know, or maybe pretended she had no idea I was on a ‘mission’.

As for Junior, I would carry him and throw him up into the air and catch him, and he would smile and I would be happy. His mum would be like, ‘As for this boy, he can worry o.’

When I am leaving, I wave at Junior and, when Junior is not waving back, Mummy will say, ‘Uncle says bye-bye.’

Uncle for where? We are not related by blood. It is only an evil mind that is making me appear like an uncle. Azaan uncle.

So, after singing all the unnecessary songs to Junior and buying him toffees and cunningly telling him, ‘Junior, be a good boy, okay’, his mum cannot see through my evil intentions?

Ei, Ablavi. Men are bad o. Subterfuge! Men o, men! We don’t show kindness for nothing. We call it ‘settings’.

Unfortunately, Suzie lost her husband three years ago and I am here planning evil against her. God forgive me my sins.

There are many Juniors, most of whom were fathered by irresponsible men who are still alive and still on rampage, causing harm. Are those guys able to sleep? Ei!

I am beginning to feel the heavy weight of guilt all over me when I just remembered my favourite phrase: ‘Sin fascinates and assassinates.’

Did you know that if the police were to check everybody’s phone to see if they had sexually explicit videos on their phones, many of us would be culpable? Please delete all those things from your phones la.

I embarrassed myself last Sunday when my mother-in-law visited with some church members. The kids were playing with my phone in their presence and accidentally pressed one of such useless videos. OMG!

As fate would have it, the volume was up and, when I panicked and ran to take the phone from them, I ended up increasing the volume.

Matter closed. Lesson well learnt!

Certain things should not be entertained in our lives. These ‘blue-blue’ things are not good, no matter what.

That reminds me of the first confusion life taught me as a kid. I wondered why blue powder was used in washing white shirts. My late father, who was a wash-man, told me it makes the white shirt look whiter!

Blue powder to make a white shirt whiter? Ei!

Anyway, I am sure it is the reason some people buy dogs as pets and name them ‘Tiger’. I am now old enough to understand why life is so ironic!

The first time I made a mistake of using a certain balm called ‘abokini’ and accidentally went to urinate with the balm on my fingers, eweeeeeiiiii! That was the day I had to use a whole pack of Omo and King soap and a poritank full of water just to quench the ‘heat’.

Alla! That balm? Herh!

Abeg, before you start insulting me in your head, please note that this is a satire page which must not be read anyway. There is nothing here to learn sef!

They are things that I discuss with myself when I am having management meetings with myself.

But you know, like I said before, when you see a typical Ghana man coming out of a single and available lady’s room in the afternoon and he is holding half a bottle of water in his right hand and pouring the water on his left fingers in order to wash them, please feel free to draw your conclusions wae.

He has done it and is in a hurry to either go back to work or go home. He needs to wash that ‘useless cream’ before he is caught at home.

We are like that. At least, many of us do it, even me. It just could be what your mind is telling you. Don’t assume anything else.

Abeg, when you know your problem with weakness that comes with age, alcohol and unprescribed medications, and you are trying to impress people, sometimes it is better to know your limits and preserve your dignity.

No bi your fault; age catches up with everybody! Weytin concern me with trying to prove a point when the body itself has decided to hold a management meeting?

Remember, we are no longer 25 years!

Did you know that the sweetest part of palm oil (zomi) is when you dip the spoon deeper into the bowl to scoop ‘zomiba’ used for gari and beans?

Some of you don’t know how to eat gorb3. Go deeper; the sweetness is down there.

Any man who comes to boast about how well he ‘punished’ that lady probably didn’t do anything. Listen to them carefully. They often say so to prove how strong they are.

It’s a lie.

I am a witness.

Hahaaaaa!