When did you last encounter a smiling Russian?

When I was a kid and Russia was part of the Soviet Union (UNION OF THE SOVIET SOCIALIST REPUBLICS) the overwhelming number of images I came into contact with portrayed severe-looking, extremely disciplined and well drilled soldiers on parade and heavy-browed politicians who were ready at a moment's notice to press the nuclear button. The cold-war rhetoric was at its peak and nothing ever was as it seemed.

But I also recall seeing some very sweet and svelt cheerleader-type Russian ladies smiling invitingly in the official propaganda magazine called GRANMA. Quite ironic eh??

Russia gave my young mind the impression of a kaakamotobi in one breadth and an alluring damsel in another breadth. Charley that confusing split-image, what my learned friend Gbagbladza calls a DICHOTOMY gave me migraines la!!

Let me speak the truth and shame the devil; I secretly yearned a soft-skinned Russian Damsel with shy, doey eyes in my loving arms.... But Joe, even as an adolescent, and especially as an adolescent, the possibility of the left pair of those shiny jackboots of those kankpe faces marching to rigid military music making full contact with my face or brokos quickly soured my appetite and ambitions. Those were the days!!! LOL. Ah! You say wetin? Me?? fear man???

My guy, I had a whole life ahead of me ooo... I can't go and jeopardize it with semi-wet dreams. But you koraa were you there some??? Don't bring yourself.
I am told that Russian couples also suffer from that DICHOTOMY disease; one minute, couples look like they have just had a huge fight then suddenly they might joke and laugh at something whole-heartedly, only to put on their gloomy expressions again. Why do Russians and Russia seem so intimidating and alluring at the same time???

Imagine a Ghanaian guy being shown love by a Russian lady. Hehehehehe! They are generally stunningly beautiful and sweet. Honestly, for me, it could be a fine opportunity to have a half caste son from Russia by name Mirovsky Bullet Zogbenu Jnr - a Russian-Ghanaian and groom him to play for the Black Stars some day.
My only fear is that when he passes the ball to his team mates, they may not be sure whether its leather coated with a roshia bomb! Look at you ooo...why don't you know roshia bomb?? Aaahh....as for you Gen-Z foɔ deɛ. Ask your grandmother what roshia bomb made in Ghana is wai.

Mtsseww..you people have derailed my train of thought.... where were we even going??? Yes! My hafCo son! The situation for the opponents may be worse. The opponent’s goalkeeper would do everything possible to avoid shots coming his way from my Russo-Ghanaian son and the Black Stars would win the match. Who wants to risk a drone dive just when you catch the ball??

Even his own teammates would probably be giving him bombastic side-eyes. Nobody likes that "come-with-me" hypnotic confidence of a Russian gentleman. It collapses relationships, shames families and brings a nation's repute into disrepute. Efo Korshie, your girl dey inside?? Or you're still scrolling up and down??? Hahahahahaha.

As for me, that is the kind of half caste son I would love to have with a Russian lady. Sometimes people must fear you small for shegey reasons and the Russians are experts!

Russians are masters at spy craft. If you think I'm lying let's call Putin and ask him his thoughts on the matter. Hahahahaha....why you dey fear??

In Russia, men as a rule, do not kiss ladies ‘by heart’ because of trust issues but I don’t know how this Russian guy came to Ghana and succeeded in going beyond even kissing! Anyway, risk-takers fear no risk!

For a Russian man to say ‘I love you’ alone in their language to our ladies, the commonest phrase is 'Ya tebya lyublyu'. Have you noticed how ‘vawulent’ it even sounds in the Russian language? And our affected ladies were not scared of this? Eish! You are courageous o, Aunties! Hahahahaha! And this is a man ooo..!

Can you imagine the royal chaos we shall experience in this town if a contingent of KGB honeypots descended on our government institutions??? I didn't say anywhere that our appointees are weak ooo.... don't go and misquote me oooo..yoooo!!

Oh you don't know who a honey pot is??? Aaaah but you paaa??? Goggle is your fiend la!! (you think you hear English more than me?? No I didn't say FRIEND) Hahahahaha I can't stop laughing!

Back in my varsity days in the late 1990s, one of my favourite lecturers who taught me advanced grammar was called Prof. Alonzo Kuzunikzy – a Russian-trained English scholar. Solid guy. Prof. Alonzo of blessed memory had a style of teaching that would make you learn grammar in a very humorous manner and still become very knowledgeable. He shared some of the most interesting jokes during lectures but never smiled. For the records, he was Ghanaian.

I sincerely don’t remember when Prof. Alonzo smiled. He was my friend. I once asked him why he hardly smiled – he attributed it to his Russian training.
Prof. Alonzo intimated that Russians don't smile without reason and don't want to pretend and simulate feelings they don't experience.

But Russians are not the only ones with this posture, he advised as he believed many people do that even in Africa if they don’t have any reason to smile. He hinted that some Africans also put on stern face as a form of protection as too much smiling attracts disrespect – I personally agree with this one.

Many people don’t smile for nothing but the Russians are the torch-bearers of the stony, emotionless, poker face. Smile for what? Dem dey pay me?? Hahahahaha!
I can’t imagine undergoing surgery carried out by Russian surgeons. That grave look full of foreboding alone will kill me before the procedure itself begins. On a serious note, I am told some of the best medical professionals are Russians. True? True!

But there could be something else; I am told when they are children, they are taught in school that ‘Laughter without a reason’ is a sign of f**lishness which somehow infers on smiles as well; nobody wants to look like a f**l, anaa?.SPAAAARTAAAANS!!!!

Imagine a Russian man telling a Ghanaian lady: “I love you” and the Ghanaian lady does not take that as a THREAT! Ignorance is bliss la.. But ignorance of history can finish your family tree ooo Hehehehe! Eish! Come with me sɛn??!!! No be juju be dat???

Prof. Alonzo once shared a private Russian experience with me while he was in church while studying in Moscow with some other foreign nationals.

A Russian liturgist came to read the famous John 3:16 scripture:
For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.

Soon after reading this scripture, some congregants looked around in apprehension and quickly exited the church premises. The man read the scripture as if it was a THREAT! Spoken Russian has character and is-awe-inspiring. It must not be mistaken for a threat, veiled or otherwise. Hhahahaha! If you like say phim!

I once spotted one ordering waakye at Labone. By the time he was done mentioning his preferred accompaniments, the waakye seller fainted from shock, gained consciousness and re-fainted! Hahahaha! Abeg, if you're a Russian reading this for the first time, you're warmly welcome to the ‘useless column’ where we make it our duty to make no sense and bring you tears of satirical laughter. Спасибо, thank you very much!

But let’s be real - Our ladies are not naive. Many factors might have led to what happened to them – poverty number one. Adventure number 2. The opportunity to change the ancestoral poverty through marriage to a whiteman is number 3.
For some, it is pure ‘bad girl-ism’! For these ones, in weighing the pros and the cons, the condition of nymphomaniac treated by a whiteman is better than one treated by a black poor Kasowa boy whose nickname is likely to be – ‘Killa no dey pay’ after eating at the restaurant!

Then the Russian man gets to eat at the restaurant and pays and even gives tips, who no like? Haba! Abeg, we all have our sins and we choose and commit them carefully with abandon. We are all managing our sins hoping not to be caught one day. Some of us probably cheated on Valentine’s Day and went to church on Sunday and still gossiped about the pastor’s son who made a school girl pregnant and even concluded by saying: ‘it is serious o’; what is serious? Maybe because my mechanic over-pricing spare parts has not been uncovered yet.

So you think the fire from a Russian man into the kropot of a Ghana girl is sin? Susuka!

But truth dier it is only one...They were not coerced, they consented and it was mutually agreed. It was a win-win situation.....until it was not.

Maybe some of our affected ladies wanted citizenship through marital unions. In Russia, I heard one can obtain citizenship in a simplified order through marriage in five years, but you still have to go through all the stages. This can only be done in Russia, not in Ghana o, yaanom!

So how did the man end the relationship with each one of the ladies he ‘enjoyed’? There are different cultures to end a relationship and I am sure that of the Russians may differ obviously influenced by various jurisdictional cultures.

In Ghana, there is an excuse used by men if they want to dump a woman they have finished ‘eating’: ‘My Uncle says your tribe is a problem for him so let us stop’. With this one, the most emotionally strong lady would advise herself and back out neatly.

A Russian man is likely to say “woman, I am sorry, we can’t get married because I have a bomb and a grenade which I normally keep under my pillow before I sleep and I don’t think you can live the rest of your life with that; let’s end it; I am done with you’. Russians are not cowards and don’t pretend!

Where they may need to be careful and advised is how to end their relationships with ladies of some Ghanaian tribes. He may not get away with it that easy. He should tell an Ewe lady about a break-up and she won’t say anything. If he survives a heart attack the following day, then he too, he dey form.

Similarly the Russian gigolo should not go telling a zongo girl that he wants to end a relationship with her just like that. Then the famous expression ‘vawulence begets vawulence’ would make more meaning at this point.

Have a nice day and this is just an abstract to make us de-stress, not any serious business; it is the reason the column is called ‘Useless Column; don’t read’. Abeg, leave the Russian man alone – after all, weytin concern dog with family planning?

Enjoy your weekend and note that “the world is full of good and bad people – we are both!”

P.S. It's a shame our ladies who handed it over free bonto did not do their home work. Next time Google RUSSIAN ROULETTE (sorry, I meant goggle la aaajeeiii). Sɛ You have met your META. Eye clear!! Ray Banger!!