We have gone past the 7th week of January 2024 but I am still yet to see any vehicle on the road bearing the 2024 registration number. Could this be because I use the Kasoa road mostly? East Legon people, please I am sure you have seen some but on the Kasoa road? Chai! Registration numbers ending in B, V, W, R, 2009, 2011, are all I see. If you are lucky you will see 2017! Kasoa? Hmmm! There are things I assume I understand but trust, I don’t know tiiin! One of such is ‘government white paper’, So what at all is it? I have heard people using the term but honestly I don’t know what it is o; I only pretend I know, or it is A4 sheets?

There is nothing as annoying as being on the same whatsapp platform with someone and the person side bars you and asks: ‘what’s happening on the platform? Please update me!’ Some people don’t read things on group platforms kraa o. Ah! Don’t insult me in your head o; I have this bad hobby of offering lift to beautiful ladies until last Wednesday when I developed severe flu after offering one such lady who wore a very strong and pungent perfume, It smelt quite expensive but it was not ood for me at all.

Instead of she getting down at Kaneshie, I dropped her off at Sakaman junction. All the ‘evil thoughts’ of ‘can I have your number’ ftom her vanished! I heard someone offered a stranger lift and the stranger collapsed in his car.

Be warned! You are not the only good Samaritan in the world. Mr Nice Man, you would put yourself into trouble by giving strangers lift o because should anything bad happen to the person in your car, some young constable will first of all ‘push you inside’ and start asking you questions you cannot answer albeit your good intentions.

‘Is he or she your relation?’ ‘where do you know him or her from?’ ‘Are you a commercial driver?’ If you cannot answer any of these questions, please be careful how you offer strangers lift. You remember the guy who ate my koose when I offered him lift? Even him koraa, I know him but see what he did t my koose! Do we ‘sparking’ car or we ‘start’ car? As for our English di33333….ooooo!

The last time I lost concentration while looking at ‘something thick in skirt’ and still driving slowly after sparking my car; a car from the other lane just came to fill in the space in front of me. Azey, dema-adzi ory3 yawo brutal! Herh! That thing can be painful er especially if your intention is to feed your eyes with nice views from the other gender balance.

Remember ‘The thoughts of the wicked are an abomination to the Lord, but the words of the poor are pleasant. He who is greedy for gain troubles his own house, but he who hates bribes will live….’ I don’t remember which part of the Bible this can be found but it is there! Remember ‘Sin Fascinates and Assassinates’. Don’t take or give bribe o, yooo.

This Corruption canker has become a societal canker o. I sent a small boy to buy me fufu with light soup and before he got back, he had drunk half the soup from the fufu before bringing it to me la!

Abeg, if this is the first time you are reading this ‘Useless Column’ and getting confused and emotional, then I have achieved my objective – to scatter your mind with abstract things. So much non-fa! Please go and read other important things here and stop harassing yourself by reading this.

Why is it that when you want to buy a ‘Ghana used-car’ from someone, he would tell you: ‘this car, even though registered in 2012 was used by a woman? Often the woman is either a nurse or a banker. Don’t female nurses and bankers use the same roads the men drive on? Or the fact that women are generally more careful with vehicle use? There is an Efua I know, buy her car registered in 2020 now and you would regret for the rest of your life. Reckless driving is her hobby. You people should stop that o. A ‘Ghana-used car’ is an alatsa car whether used by a woman or a man.

I just bought a car registered in 2015 and said to be driven by a woman who works at the seminary! I see! All were lies because the things I later saw under the carpet er, all things being equal, that car was used by a very baaaad man! It doesn’t really make any marked difference whether it is a man who drove it or not o. Sell your car at a forced-sale value when you are broke and stop that ‘useless’ car selling trick that it was a woman who used it.

For the where? You have no idea that some of the many accident cars you see around resulted from me, ‘my wife’s driving’. So what’s the big deal about ‘it was a woman who used it’? ah! One such middleman who is used to telling people that ‘this vehicle was used by a nurse’ found himself in an embarrassing situation recently. He was called by a prospective buyer that he was selling his vehicle.

He started marketing the vehicle without having seen it yet. And as to be expected, ‘I called out of curiosity and he said it is a very good car used by a woman nurse’. Upon inspection, it turned out that the vehicle in question was…right hand drive moved to left hand drive! When I switched the traffic indicator to the right, the light will go the left.

Come to think of it, why do we call imported used cars ‘home-use’? Car dealers will tell you it’s because it is coming from ‘home’. Really? So now Europe and America are our home? Be there and call Ghana, ‘abroad’ while you are ‘home’.

For me, ideally, ‘Home-use’ should be a more appropriate word to describe vehicles used in Ghana because this is our home or? I know some of you are already insulting me in your heads ooo bcos of my ‘useless’ wisdom! Hahaaa! I wish to call on the FDA to check on those medications believed are used in growing beard and hair on ‘motorways’ and ‘asphalts heads o’.

I bought one recently with the view to be scaring my wife small small…and the effects? Hmmmm!

It is one of the reasons I have stopped growing beard. But the main reason was that one of those girls I had been pursuing on a nearby campus saw me and screamed ‘ei Mawuli Abotsi’! Me, Abotsi? You see those men from only God knows where with long beards who sell some funny perfumes, two-yards pieces of cloth, wrist watches, compact discs and stuff like that? Are they not the guys we call ‘Abotsi’.

All of them have one name ‘Abotsi’ to which they would respond. I later got to know ‘Abotsi’ means ‘friend’ in Hawusa but anytime I hear the word being used, I associate it with men with long pointed beards selling perfumes!

Those were the days my stomach was not even in existence; the bones and ribs represented my stomach. Surprisingly now my stomach is now like a medium size akpeteshie drom! My mother was full of praise for my wife for being the best wife ever. Guess what: the praises were in respect of her taking good care of me because of my pot belly.

That is what has given me the feeling that if you have been married for at least 2 years and you don’t have a pot belly, two things: it is either your wife is stressing you or you are stressing her to stress you. Treat her well and you would see the magic in developing a pot belly. A pot belly also gives you access to loans with ease because the banks see you as a well-to-do man and therefore loan repayment risk factor is low because they see a pot belly as a collateral.

That is the only advantage I have over those with flat stomachs. Come on, develop some pot belly and let’s fall sick small, together. Should that happen, we would spend more money to treat ourselves and that money would be used to develop the pills and syrups sector at the expense of our families and our children’s education.

Let’s keep eating late at night and we should not exercise at all; it is ‘very good’ for us but as to whether it is good for our families or not, I don’t know oo. Let’s go on la, no problem. Eat anything, meat with a lot of fat and 4 eggs put together and fry them and eat nyafunyafu. God forgive you if you don’t see the sarcasm in this advice. By the way, how did the Black Stars fare yesterday? I am still asleep hoping for any outcome. God dey!

Enjoy the weekend as we proceed into the 8th week of January. Remember to eat anything but be reminded that ‘not every sweet thing must be eaten with the mouth’!