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Opinions of Friday, 7 July 2017

Columnist: Mohammed Kamaldeen

My quest to understanding her

It is often said true love is like a unicorn, it is beautiful, blissful, immaculate and a desire of every creature but sadly, it is just a myth.

Throughout humanity, people get hurt when they fall in love but yet some persist and others harden their hearts making it impervious to love, the optimist postulates that we let love lead, and the pessimist contends that love is blind, how then do we follow the blind instead of the other way round, if love leads, it is definitely to our doom.

Human dishonesty, evasiveness and blemish have led to our loss of hope and inspiration in the best act of life, love. Most people fancy their whole lives of a kind of love their never willing to give for the fear of it not been returned and them getting their hearts blasted, nay, you have to sow before you reap.

I admired her truthful, benevolent and shy personality in our Junior High days but I never gave her much attention to let her know I crushed on her, for I had my pride, but I did all I could to always keep her by my side because it always made my day. I used to engage her in various quiz sessions, but that was just a disguise to keep her by my side. Every blessed morning I came to class with my eyes glued to the door to see her enter the class before I look forward to a blissful day in school.

All my fancies and admirations for her came to a halt as I lost contact with her when we completed Junior High and we went to different Senior High Schools, but as they say, what is fated is inevitable.

One fateful day, a colleague told me “we went for sports and a girl said I should extend her greetings to you”, immediately, I wished it was her for she attended that school, and asked of the name and behold my wish came true. That day was a joyous day for me in the school but that was it, for I never heard from her throughout my Senior High days.

One consecrated and fateful day after completion of Senior High, I received a call and to my greatest surprise it was her, I was perplexed with delight and happiness as we chat that day.

Day after day we called each other and talked about all our daily encounters, she showed me care and attention I had never received before, so the love I had for her escalated into a kind of love that seemed out of this world.

I was diffident to tell her I love her, but I kept thinking, what if I wait for a time when it becomes too late. So one night after we were done with the usual phone call, I gathered all the momentum and courage I could and texted her of my feeling for her but I didn’t get any reply.

I couldn’t sleep that night for it was like hell had been relocated into my body, it was like I now harboured hell, I felt a severe heat and pressure within my body as I waited throughout the night for her reply which never came.

The next day, I called her and she talked as if she hadn’t seen the message, so I asked her and she claimed she was still thinking about it. That statement kept me thinking; we have known each other for a while so if she loved me or otherwise, she would have known by now, so what possible is there to think about again, then I thought maybe she is just being feminist.

Day after day, and month after month, we talked like nothing happened and I went with the flow though it hurt me within. I was now enrolled in my first year of university education, when one night as I was just on the verge of giving up, she gave in to be with me, and that is where my quest began.

I sought to defy what I refer to as the ladies anthem which goes; all men are the same, they’re cheats, liars, uncaring, selfish and so on. I made her a promise never to make her cry, to love only her wholeheartedly.

I endeavoured to be different, to be the change ladies wish to see in men, I loved her to the extent that, I got jealous of my love for her. I wished she loved me the way I loved her or even close, and that was the commencement of our problems.

The caring girl I had fallen for was no more, she merely called me, and if I called, scarcely did she answer. Meeting up with her seemed to irritate her, she gave me myriad excuses for her actions, but for every action there are reasons and excuses and individuals have to decide to find a reason for doing it or an excuse for not. I guess she was just the kind who likes to play safe.

It was a mammoth trauma to me knowing the girl I have loved my whole life and wish I could spend every second of my life with, can’t stand me for few minutes. I sought out on a quest to understand why and how I could make her care for me and respect me like she did before. I read all the books written on love, inspirations, watched movies on love, sought advice from friends whom I thought had experience in love, all my friends told me she was not more into me and that I should forget her and move on. We had been together for three years and I was immersed in love.

Prepared to move on with my life, I asked her whether she still loved me or not but she said she still did, which made things more perplexed as she merely told me she loved me, neither did her actions show she did throughout our relationship.

I was in a blind love folktale but I had hope for our future, which therefore killed my doubt for a while and she became the caring girl I had fallen in love with, but sadly it was just for a short time and she was back to the girl I’m in a relationship with.

I endeavoured to always be there for her, spend more time with her on the phone, meet up with her and chat, make jokes to make her laugh so that I won’t lose her. Nothing seemed to work, it rather annoyed her more, so I thought maybe she wanted something else I couldn’t give now but I could sure give in the future.

My efforts to get closer to her sprang up a fight that changed the feeling I thought I could never change, truly, as they say, three things teaches and changes man the best, a broken heart, an empty pocket and a hungry stomach.

She told me she was fed up with me for I was nagging her and she needed her own space, that if she wasn’t what I expected I could find another girl who meets my expectations. Logically I thought of it as a break-up but she said it wasn’t; perhaps she didn’t want to hurt me much, but surprisingly I cared less all of a sudden.

I realized one thing, some ladies are the orchestrators of their own doom, no man was born a cheat, trickster or a slicker for sure, every cheater once gave his heart to only one lady but he had his heart blown up into million pieces thus when he gathered all the pieces he decided not to give it to one single lady. Yet not all ladies abide by this, some actually adore and appreciate guys who give their hearts wholly to them.

I was now in a dilemma as to whether I should be like most guys or different as I had contrived, but I saw no good in being like most guys nor being different, so I decided to be a guy, but differently.

I realised all along I might have gotten things wrong, I might have judged her without ample evidence, thus I learnt to delay my judgment. I realised I could never change her, I could only change myself. I realised you can’t be in a relationship without expectations yet I expected so much from her, I expected her to care and love me like I did.

I realised she was never meant to be understood neither is any lady; if ladies were meant to be understood, I believe they would have come with a manuscript or natural laws governing them, so I thought perhaps they are meant to be loved without a condition. I realised all along I sought her attention when I should have respected myself to make her respect me for respect last longer than attention.

I realised all along I had left my pride out of the relationship because I thought pride was not needed in a relationship, but my pride came knocking and I answered, for pride is essential if others are to appreciate you.

What she did or did not do bothered me, not because I had my pride and I respected myself, I now expected, if not nothing, less from her, mind you I was not retreating, I was only advancing in another direction.

I appreciated the fact that some lovers are like the seasons, they come and go, you can’t ask them to stay, you can only embrace them as they come and be glad that for once in your life, their love was yours.

Yet others are forever yours unfalteringly, they do not succumb to anything.

Be grateful if you get a seasonal lover but never let go the lover who proves to be forever yours, no matter the storms I still hold on unto her, for I have hope that she is my love forever but if she turns out to be a seasonal lover, I will be grateful that for once, her love was mine, with nothing to regret.

This is how far I have come, and I believe the journey ahead may still be far with stumbling blocks, but I persevere to embark on it.