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Opinions of Tuesday, 5 February 2013

Columnist: Achacha, Charles

My Third Coup D’ Etat That Never Happened

We live in a country that was in the past inundated with many coups. One of these coups propelled our President to write a must read classic book entitled “My First coup d’ etat”. With this precedence, writing on “My third coup d’ etat that never happened” would not be a crime. It all began the day that I found myself in the Armed forces; I thought it was an oasis of equality. But the early part of my days in this new jungle was bleak and full of frustrations as our superiors lived the best of life at our expense. We saw them owned many beautiful things; from ladies to properties. Most of us felt sad about this and worked towards series of actions to make life uncomfortable for them.

It was so difficult then to break through the ranks to stage a successful coup. And I felt initially that I was embarking on “Mission impossible”. But it was a must then, because it was very risky aborting the mission of series of coups than staging them. My first coup was in the last quarter of the nineteen hundreds, so was the second one. And as a chain coups Marshal, I had no other choice than to embark on another one in the first quarter of the twenty hundreds. This was my third coup’dtat that never happened. It was foiled by the almighty God and I now fell flat with my back on the ground. In fact, I have learnt my lesson and can say proudly that coups can no longer happen in the land of my birth. Be it a military or a civilian-democratic coup.

My first coup that I cunningly claimed responsibility for actually happened when I was behind bars awaiting execution after been found guilty of mutiny by the military court marshal. But because history was twisted in my favour, most people in the land of my birth believe that I staged that particular coup. It is important for me to admit that, I am still in agony today because, all those who were practically involved in this coup are now my archenemies. Meanwhile, they saved my life from been executed by the blood thirsty senior officers of the Armed forces. Sometimes at my sober moments, I feel I am ungrateful to them. But my pride and commitment to principles will not permit me to apologize to them. I sincerely regretted that I allow my weakness to rule my life, to the extent that, I saw all those who challenge my views as the seekers of my fall.

My second coup was very successful and bloodless. Even the president at the time was very much aware of this coup, but he was not able to put any stringent measures in place to prevent it. He surrendered without putting in a fight just at the bang of my military boot. This was the sweetest coup in the history of my mother land. I staged my second coming in a very innovative way that, the citizens saw me as a saviour sent from heaven than a mortal. I love my people and I descended in the gutters and worked with them to express this love. My great nation, which I prefer to call “G-land” is blessed. My life is never the same as I tested power as the head of state.

I was very lucky to meet very clever young men who helped me to succeed. But unfortunately, I today refer to them as “Glutton bastards”. These men worked extremely well and creditably, but today I see them as enemies. Frankly, this should not pull any surprises because, that is my character. Even sometimes, I am tempted to admit with pity that is my destiny. Tears flow down my cheek anytime I recall my good moments with them. But my personae will not allow me to reconcile with them. The best I could is to go ballistic on them, including my chosen one, because I am hurt by some of their actions.

Oh God!! when will I also have a permanent friend? I perpetually swim in fear, because I do not know which of my best friends today will become my enemy tomorrow. One of my chosen ones who I trusted so much and through whom I felt I could rule mother “G-land” again disappointed me. I was peeved by his actions and this marked the beginning of the end of my long standing friendship with him. I lambasted him at any least chance in order to make him unpopular because of my secret agendum to stage my third coup that never happened.

In this my third coup d’ etat, I knew convincingly how impossible it is for anybody to stage a coup by the barrel of the gun in the land of my birth. So I innovatively tried to stage a civil and democratic coup that never happened. I planned this coup with my cohort who also share in my vision. But unfortunately, my clever college mates who helped me in my previous successful coups are now my foes. So the only one to fall on was my romantic better half, we discussed this issue at length. And finally, we decided to lunge our missiles by throwing verbal bullets at our targeted victims. We plotted spies who could easily feed us with information without any trace of espionage.

In fact, on the eve of this coup d’ etat, we hurriedly loaded our mixer launcher, with the help of many experts who assured us of a successful coup. And with the democratic wind blowing, we also allowed the press men to telecast our actions to the good people of G-land. To my astonishment, my third coup d’ etat was foiled by just a civilian who had no weapon but ordinary “Bic pen” and his space tackle”. I was very flabbergasted, because with my experience I was sure of staging a very successful coup. Now I have no other option than to shamefully admit that it is now impossible for any individual or group of persons to stage a coup in G-land. For, the good people of G-land are now discerning and can make their own choices. It is now clear that, no mortal can change the anointing of God.

But my fellow countrymen, I am just the voice of the voiceless. I speak in order to articulate their views and grieve. For this reason, know that my talks are always fueled by my principles, not any ill fate. I love the poor and the vulnerable and I will forever speak for them. However, I am strategically quiet for now.

I know that I stand accuse and I am in a state of ambivalent, because is likely that all my privileges will be stripped off me and I will be reduced to an ordinary man again. In case this happens, I will not be bothered much, rather make sure I lash mercilessly at the “Babies with hard teethes and the senior Evil Dwarfs”. But let me quickly add that, “the down fall of a man is not the end of his life”. I will be back. I still remain General Karl Yewe, the commander in Chief of the erstwhile G-Land Armed forces.

God bless G-land. Thank you.


Member: Supreme Liberation Movement of Anlo. Amalgamation of Youths in Politics.