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Opinions of Sunday, 30 October 2016

Columnist: Kwarteng, Francis

Mr. President, Kalyppo stakes a claim to the Flagstaff House 1

“I don't know which party my wife belongs to, but she belongs to my kitchen and my living room and the other room” (Nigerian President Muhammadu Buhari).

Some say in one fell swoop President Buhari makes arrant nonsense of President Obama’s “This is What A Feminist Looks like” and Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie’s “We Should All Be Feminists” speeches.

Where is Rebecca Akufo-Addo?

Perhaps she is in Akufo-Addo’s kitchen, living room and the other room.

If not, then where is she?

It is so hard trying to work out her charming ubiquity in his kitchen, living room and the other room.

With bloated grotesque caricature Sam George chasing her away, we have not heard from her since! It also turns out that, her husband, Mr. President Kalyppo could not care less about her whereabouts, let alone her contributions to his electioneering strategies.

Yet, Akufo-Addo’s supporters, some say, is cast in the same mold as President Buhari. This is comparing the color of charcoal and a set of milky white teeth. More so, President Buhari is not Mr. President Kalyppo.

With that said, if she were in Mr. President Kalyppo’s kitchen, living room and the other room, then it goes without saying she is not breast-feeding him well. It explains his public infatuation with Kalyppo—to the extent that Mr. President Kalyppo has gone public suckling Kalyppo straw-tits.

The word “suckling” brings back memories of Bob Marley’s “Forever Loving Jah”:

“‘Cause only a fool lean upon…

“Lean upon his own misunderstanding…

“And then what has been hidden…

“From the wise and the prudent…

“Been revealed to the babe and the suckling…

“In everything, in every way…

The question then is:

Who has Mrs. President Kalyppo been giving her womanhood to thereby starving him, Mr. President Kalyppo, of potent sexual breast-milk and causing him to grope, fondle the derrière—Kalyppo straw-tits—of women in public?

This denial of sexual gratification to Mr. President Kalyppo is the cause of Kennedy Agyapong and Nana Obiri Boahen’s political hypermasculinity and male chauvinism. They feel Madam Charllote Osei’s gracious derriere should have gone to their boss, Mr. President Kalyppo.

Yet somehow they, particularly Kennedy, also feel Madam Osei’s gracious derriere had been the property of President Mahama, Mr. Youthful President, so-called.

Indeed, there is an emotional fire of apprehension among the supports of Mr. President Kalyppo that he is suffering from Oedipus complex, Kennedy and Boahen from Electra complex.

These complexes are the sole cause of the political rustication of Paul Afoko, Kwabena Agyapong, and Sammy Crabbe from Mr. President Kalyppo’s harem, bearing in mind that they are considered illegitimate political children of the latter, though many observers see this political alibi as an escapist convenience for sustaining or perpetuating Mr. President Kalyppo’s sexual dictatorship within his harem.

Notwithstanding, if President Buhari’s wife Madam Aisha Buhari is in the kitchen, the bedroom and the other room as everyone including the president is saying, then where exactly is the wife of Mr. President Kalyppo, for God’s sake?

So, cross-dressing culicid Asiedu Nketia comes across Mr. President Kalyppo’s photographic and telegenic profiles sucking on those weird-looking Kalyppo straw-tits and then goes haywire, claiming quite provocatively that Mr. President Kalyppo is too old to be president.

Clearly, culicid Nketia hates Mr. President Kalyppo’s guts. But, even more ironically, Mr. President Kalyppo is already the de facto president of this Kalyppo Republic—post-Nkrumah Ghana.

Cross-dresser Nketia says Junior Jesus is also too old to campaign. Not only him, though, as Junior Jesus’ other sons and daughters are also saying he [Junior Jesus] cannot campaign because he is too old, and because he took the Cup of Poison from Sani Abacha, the Cup of Poison meant to save Ken Saro-Wiwa, the Ogoni People and their land from the destructive conflagration of the Abacha dictatorship, a gesture which instead led to the timely deaths of Saro-Wiwa, the Ogoni People and their once-fecund land.

Since when did Jesus’ life asymptotically approach the existential infinity of mortal longevity? It is as if the sons and daughters of Junior Jesus will never get “too old” some day. Was Methuselah not doing active politics at 969? Was Sarah not doing active sexual politics at 90?

Same goes for Queen Elizabeth, Robert Mugabe, Felix Houphouet-Boigny…though Mr. President Kalyppo is more Queen Elizabeth than a Robert Mugabe. Queen Elizabeth loves Kalyppo which represents an aesthetic monument of feminine beauty, so too is Mr. President Kalyppo.

The latter, Mr. President Kalyppo, sings one version of the Song of Solomon as he patiently suckles the straw-tits of a Kalyppo by flicking out his salamander tongue about them, the straw-tits:

“I said, I will go up to the palm tree, I will take hold of the boughs thereof: now also thy breasts shall be as clusters of the vine, and the smell of thy nose like apples.”

He “will go up the palm tree” for palm-wine drink and palm-wine music then he can, henceforth, grope and fondle the “breasts” of Madam Osei as “clusters of the vine.” All these “clusters of the vine” of political and prurient insults aimed at her person, at her curvaceous political independence, from the camp—“will go up the palm tree —of Mr. President Kalyppo are blamed on the binge drinking of palm-wine.

Binge-drinking palm-wine aesthetically packaged in Kalyppo boxes meant exclusively for children is the height of political hypocrisy, an unhealthy lifestyle choice.

Mr. President Kalyppo’s detractors have every reason to feel he, a 70-plus, is in danger of developing Type 1 Diabetes, child diabetes.

In other words, his detractors do not want a child for a president.

WONDERS SHALL NEVER END

The non-credentialed Donald Trump, an unschooled jurisconsult has suddenly become a magical doctrinaire on account of politics in Kalyppo Republic, in this way losing every single cell of thoughtful pragmatism in his political bone marrow. Besides, unlike his concubine-wife whose public feint of transcendental ubiquity is unquestioned, Mr. President Kalyppo’s is neither here nor there, there and still not there, a scenario comparable to the sharp contrast between the presence of mind and doddery at the tapering end of mortal longevity.

There is, therefore, no case to be made that senility has set in in Mr. President Kalyppo’s profile of tactical mentation, this coming as it is from the viewpoint of a lack of diagnostic indictment of his executive functions, for he is diagnostically neither dyslexic nor does he suffer from dangerous bouts of cognitive inflexibility. Among other things, this means essentially that anyone is free to do with him as he or she wishes.

Recently there was a mock investiture of sorts, during which a certain ungainly villager of a Man of God imposed him on the people of Kalyppo Republic as the “Putative Presidential Pharaoh of Kalyppo Republic,” in the likeness of Alexander the Small, of Ancient Macedonia, being imposed on the people of Ancient Egypt.

Mr. President Kalyppo sat in the mock presidential chair as a ventriloquist dummy, unabashedly looking visibly desperate, childishly incognizant of his surroundings, and emotionally exhausted during his comical mock investiture for a presidency that seems beyond his grasp. This unattractive perennial President-In-Waiting has turned himself into an evergreen forest of desert promising the citizens of Kalyppo Republic every conceivable plant species under the sun.

A Janus-faced philanthropic deity, Mr. President Kalyppo has promised to turn every tear of pain and suffering into oceans of joy and material success, a land of milk, honey and manna. The irony is that he does not have anything to show for his tenure as a Minister of Justice/Attorney General and Foreign Minister. His record is even comparably worse during his tenure as a Member of Parliament.

Mr. President Kalyppo says dumsor will be a thing of the past under his political caliphate, because every citizen will have an Akosombo Dam in his or her home with unlimited supply of water, and in addition even going as far as promising to position the sun in the heavenly expanse in such a way as to make it virtually impossible for it to evaporate his promised unlimited supply of water.

Though he is mortal, and likely to remain so for the rest of his existence, Mr. President Kalyppo has promised immortality to every citizen in Kalyppo Republic, to convert every graveyard in Kalyppo Republic into the Garden of Eden and Heaven, to restore fifth columnists and terrorists and subverters and other political criminals from the past of Kalyppo Republic to national prominence, and to crown his yet-to-be-fulfilled achievements by turning Kalyppo Republic into an asylum of jokers.

He has also said under his paradigm of political nirvana grinding privation will be a thing of the past, yet, though he served in a previous government, this government of which he was a respected member failed to extirpate privation. In fact, some of this government’s policy interventions are part of the major causes of widespread privation in the body politic of Kalyppo Republic today.

We all know the truth, however. Mr. President Kalyppo is not going to usher in anything new. The Kalyppo Republic’s politics is the same old circular or cyclical nonsense—the practice of schadenfreude insults, wanton kleptomaniacal pillaging and plundering of the national coffers for the exclusive enrichment of a few, cronyism and nepotism, Fanonian dependency complex, failed promises, collective bovarism and double consciousness, political ethnocentrism, elitist buffoonery, misanthropy, vile propaganda, and intellectual de-centeredness.

All the romantic political phrases and words he and his ethnocentric cabal of useful and village idiots throw about, such as “democracy” “and freedom” and “winning the hearts and minds of the people,” during public discourse are merely calculating acts in sophism, nothing more than their waiting for a golden opportunity to impose their nihilistic and fideistic kleptomania on the citizens of Kalyppo Republic, eventually culminating in societal blight and privation.

Technocratic agency and political vision are beyond their reach for that matter. We now know why his parents christened him Nana President Kalyppo and why he thinks the presidency is a royal entitlement.

Mr. Youthful President, on the other hand, also thinks the presidency is an entitlement to a certain extent, although at the same time is subject to the rational choice of popular sovereignty, which is why he has been traveling around Kalyppo Republic asking for citizens to extend his tenure of political office.

The truth, however, is that both political characters are spitting images of each other in terms of political philosophy, hence our call for a third political force to come in and to throw out the entrenched duopoly of Kalyppo Republic.

But Mr. Youthful President appears to be the lesser of two evils. As a matter of fact they are all nation-wreckers, all of them!

CLOSING REMARKS

Notwithstanding the obvious similarities between them, some claim there still may exist important contrasts between the subversive alarmist Mr. President Kalyppo and the dangerously reserved face of incumbent mandate, Mr. Youthful President. These observers of the political landscape point to the outrageous, irresponsible profligacy of Mr. Youthful President in his first term of political office.

For his having reportedly put the economy into a state of chronic anemia, namely, almost brought to a screeching halt according to these doomsday observing prophesiers, Mr. Youthful President inevitably becomes the Prodigal Son of the politics of Kalyppo Republic.

That Kalyppo Republic’s declining height of material and development prosperity is the unmanaged—and seemingly unmanageable—result of an encroaching osteoporosis of mounting national debt, which is reportedly growing at the rate of exponential madness, is nothing new of course.

On the other hand this alarming rate of exponential madness, it is feared, will grow into an oversized elephant in the shrinking room of Kalyppo Republic and consequently prove impossible to ride into the bush by Mr. President Kalyppo. But Mr. Youthful President and his team of advisors have consistently explained to ideological Luddites, such as Mr. President Kalyppo, that the so-called mounting debt has found a welcoming home in the sprawling public capital raised across the country.

Mr. President Kalyppo’s policy advisors of village and useful idiots, serial callers, and town criers on the other hand think Mr. Youthful President is burying Kalyppo Republic under the sagging jowls of Mr. President Kalyppo’s mock coffin.

In fact they, their elephant party, and their frigidly wicked Luddite ancestors passionately hated the sprawling public capital which Osagyefo Kwame Nkrumah, the Founding Father of Ghana, now Kalyppo Republic, put up across the country during his tenurial dispensation of progressive rulership.

However, these policy positions on excessive government borrowing and overspending do not, when considered from the standpoint of the sagging jowls of Mr. President Kalyppo’s mock coffin, appear to make practical sense because, as the citizens of Kalyppo Republic may know, Mr. Youthful President also has sagging jowls that put a lot of undue pressure on Mr. President Kalyppo’s mock coffin.

All these policy arguments and counter-arguments are made possible by the philandering political dentures of Mr. President Kalyppo—political dentures with their cunning smiles of water snakes.

Mr. Youthful President may be hiding his own philandering political dentures from public view.

Eventually we will certainly come to know about this, this fact of philandering ambiguities when the actual contents of Mr. President Kalyppo’s mock coffin are unsealed at the crossroads of his emotional cul-de-sac, an impressionable augury we look forward to! This is long overdue nonetheless!

We shall return with Par 2, the concluding segment.

References

BBC Africa. (October 14, 2016). “Nigeria's President Buhari: My Wife Belongs in Kitchen.” Retrieved from http://www.bbc.com/news/world-africa-37659863

Connor Gaffey. (October 14, 2016). “Nigeria’s First Lady: I May Not Back Husband Buhari At Next Election.” Retrieved from.