Letter from the president: Halt the praise-singing

Countrymen and women, loyalists and opponents, you can’t imagine my sadness as I watch France lose to Italy on penalties in the finals of the football World Cup. To say that I was devastated would be an understatement because not only was I hurt by the defeat to Italy – I felt pain for Zinedine Zidane. I agree with those who say that as one of the greatest players of this generation, he could have ended his career on a more glorious note. That head-butting incident put a dent on his legendary career. But whatever the case is, please, if any of you come into contact with Zizou tell him that Monsieur Chirac is not the only president who sees him as a “virtuoso”. Tell him that the president of an impoverished African country adores him and that if he ever decides to pass through Sikaman, I would gladly give him an order of the star of the Volta. At the very least, I would give him a grand medal. I believe that he deserves it more than members of our national football team – who could not even qualify for the quarter-finals of the World Cup but are being undeservedly hero-worshiped and treated like champions.