Letter From President Kufuor To J. J. Rawlings

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Osu Castle
September 1 2005

Onua Jerry John,

Since we are not on talking terms, I?ve decided to use this most public media to get in touch.

How are you, the kids and my Asante beauty queen, Nana? I hope you are all doing well, despite my futile endeavor to make life uncomfortable for you. Are the kids still abroad? You?ve still not explained how you got money to send them abroad to study?well I guess that is none of my business.

JJ, life is bittersweet here at the castle. On one hand, I?ve been able to enrich myself beyond my wildest immaginaion, but the people are beginning to figure out that my No Plan Party (NPP) failed to plan, and so we planned to fail.

Anyway, I measure my success by pointing to your failures, so I may eventually pull a fast one on the people. Or should I rather blame my ministers? See, I have too many of them; 50% are clueless and not even fit to run a simple brick factory, 20% are school dropouts (OK the dog ate their certificates) and 20% are damaged goods (Anane) or expired commodities (JH). The 10%, who are capable, spend most of thier time chasing women & bribes. But I can?t fire them, because most are relatives or old time gutter-to-gutter friends. However, I am the one who will be rememberd for all the mistakes and positives in this adminsitation. Do I favour people over my own principles. See my dilemma? What?s your advice?

Have you heard those Needy Dirty Criminals (NDC) accusing me of killing the Ya Na and Mobillah? To God, I was never a part of that despicable act. I know you?ve been in a similar situation, so how do I fend off such accusations ? or did you really do it?

Onua JJ, I?ve been able to amass quite a substantial amount already. But unlike you, it was legit. E.g. my per diem for foreign trips is $3000-a-day and for domestic trips $500. So, my 12-day-trip to the G8 meeting, Jamaica & UK netted me a cool $36,000. You see why I never stay home ? Oh Oh I let the cat out of the bag. Secondly, I?ve used state funds to repair my private house, which was in a dilapidated state when I took office. How can I make Ghanaians forget about this? The ?Poor-Old-Farmer-Donating -?43million? trick is not an option!

How much were you able to ?steal? during the 20 years and where did you hide it? I can?t seem to find it after all these years. Wu ye wild papaaaaaaaaapa.

Hmmmm ? there is this woman who claims I have twins with her. The truth is I did the honky-panky with her, but I don?t think she got pregnant. I did not use a condom, because as a catholic, it will be an abomination. I think she?s blowing hot air. What do you think? I hear you also did the dirty with some foreigners while in office. How were you able to keep it under wraps? Silencing the media is not an option. They have become a lot smarter these days.

? and the hotel ? Yes, it?s for my son. Case closed!

My futile, pathetic and expensive attempt to Nail Rawlings Completely (NRC) did not work. I realized the harder I tried to bring you down, the more popular you got. So, I promise that the witch-hunt report will gather dust at the national archives. What should I do to be as popular as you? Bleaching my skin is not an option!

JJ, why did you compare me to a notorious armed robber, Atta Ayi? That was ludicrous and illogical. See, while he is in jail, I?m still free. While I use non-voilent means, Ayi prefers violence. And last but not the least, he goes for hard-earned salaries, while I go for tax money (which most Ghanaians refuse to pay anyway).

I?ll end here by advising you to stop the boom speeches, because if they come for me, they will go for you too. We are in this mismanagement business together, so please Shut up and let me enjoy my last years in peace. OK?

Hope you have time to reply
Yours Mr. President

PS: I just heard Obasanjo has agreed to be investigated by the country's anti-corruption body after a governor accused him of taking bribes. I will only go his path if you JJ take the lead.