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Opinions of Monday, 3 October 2016

Columnist: Gyimah, Gilbert Adu

Kofi Dubai on gifts and strategy

By Gyimah Gilbert Adu

Dear Country-Folks,

I have been enjoying the campaign immensely. Which Presidential Candidate wouldn’t if his worry is not about lack of cash but rather how to spend lots of cash (apologies to General Yakubu Gowon who is reported to have said when he was a Military Ruler that “Nigeria’s problem was not with money but how to spend it”).

I am having so much problem spending cash that I am no longer using the “usual channels”. So I have resorted to the unorthodox. These days, I make sure that while on the Campaign trail, I have a hefty stash of cash not far behind.

I keep the cash in a suitcase not unlike the Abacha-Guazo suitcase in size and content that was delivered to Kofi Boom nearly 2 decades ago. The suitcase is kept in my Presidential Ford Vehicle and is conveniently within arm’s reach.

To show my usual compassion to regular country folks like yourselves while out and about on the campaign circuit, I reach down into my Ford and pull some notes. To show “compassion” to the high and mighty however, that calls for more than a few notes. In fact, it often calls for hauling the suitcase itself along.

There is only one refrain I hear after these acts of compassion and “compassion”. And it is: “KD (Kofi Dubai), to’aso”. And continue I shall. The only thing that will not continue is my use of the Ford. I don’t like American cars.

I hear the Opana Party is cash-strapped. I shall think about offering them a bail-out in the form of some of the gifts I receive from my Contractor friends. You know that I have been cleared to pass on gifts I receive from Contractor-friends to any person or organization of my choice that I can show is truly in need. That keeps me clear of any bribery allegation. One can’t be too careful in these days of charged Campaign activities, you know.

I am happy with my Campaign. Only two things are critical for successful campaigning: Cash and Strategy. Both are on course. My strategy, which I shall explain some more in my next Presidential letter is anchored on a 3:1 formula.

That formula calls for 3-years of dumsor and austerity, and 1 year of sod-cutting, commissioning, Stadium fun-fairs, and gifts. And so far, so good. Come next year, and the cycle will repeat itself: 3 years of austerity (remember “the meat is down to the bone?”) and 1 year of “e dey bee ker ker”.

KD, to’aso.

Your Incompetency, President Kofi Dubai

Writer's e-mail: Gilly.gyimah@gmail.com