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Opinions of Sunday, 18 October 2015

Columnist: Gyimah, Gilbert Adu

Kofi Dubai : I am a Chief and I am Bouncing Back

Dear Country Folks,

Just when I thought my stars could not dim any weaker, one star suddenly shone rather very brightly from Kasoa.

As your President, I have had my share of rather embarrassing accolades, mostly self-inflicted. What with “bohye ba”, dumsor-hene, Dead-Goat, Mr. CNN. Then there was “Ghana’s Obama” which I actually liked as it lulled a few simple folks into thinking that if I had that nick name, then I could not be that inept. The name “Ghana’s Obama” coupled with “e dey bee ker ker” helped me in no small measure to clinch the Presidency in 2012.

I had been in deep thought wondering how I was going to pull off Election 2016 having exhausted the magic in “Ghana’s Obama” and “ e dey bee ker ker”. Besides you country folks are suddenly realizing that I have a gift of the garb and can talk my way out of most tricky situations. So I needed a new kind of accolade, not the empty sloganeering type.

Guess where that presidential life-line came from. Kasoa of all places. Well, the Chiefs and people of Odupong Traditional Area at Kasoa in the Central Region have enstooled me as a Chief. I am now the Asumfohene (King of Worthy Servants) of the traditional area. And the honour comes with an impressive stool name to boot: Nana Asomfo Dramani Atopi. So who says I have not served you country folks well over the last 3 years as your President? At least the folks at Kasoa acknowledge me as having served them admirably. As for some of you country folks, I can only say that “no matter how beautifully the chicken dances, the hawk will never be impressed”.

But truth be told, dear country folks, on the few occasions that I have given serious thought to how I have handled cash running into billions of dollars as your Excellent One, even I get depressed at how only a fraction of the cash has gone into development projects. My new subjects at Odupong Traditional Area may find some of the projects impressive but I wonder if they have an inkling as to their true cost and their opportunity cost. Perhaps if they did, the stool name they would have given me would not have been a very flattering one. My consolation is in what is said about ignorance being bliss. Perhaps future generations of Oduponians may understand the cost implications better when the Bretton Woods institutions tell them that as a result of some serious reckless spending and borrowing by a certain Asumfohene, social services like NHIS, LEAP, School Feeding, free Maternal Healthcare, Affordable Housing Projects, should go onto the chopping block. They are as good as dead anyway.

But that is in the future tense. For now the present tense is Election 2016.

I have pushed a few things into motion for Election 2016. The first of these is that we clean (not replace) the Voters Register. “Cleaning” sounds logical to most people who don’t bother to ask themselves “what does ‘clean’ entail”? If only they knew that “clean” is an euphemism for “do nothing”. Again, ignorance is bliss.

Cash is the lifeline of any Presidential Campaign. But on that score, I have no worries…”e dey bee ker ker”.

Finally, I need a few more traditional chieftaincy names and accolades. A Nana here, a Togbe there, a Mantse here, a Naa there and the Presidency is mine for another 4 years of “the bone is down to nothing”.

Your Asumfohene and Commander In Chief.

Gilbert Adu Gyimah
Edmonton, AB, Canada