Humour: Valentine stool lands | Opinions 2018-02-14
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Opinions of Wednesday, 14 February 2018

Columnist: Mawuli Zogbenu

Humour: Valentine stool lands

How many of us remember that a little over a decade ago, the landline telephone code for Accra was 021, Tema 022, Kumasi 051 and Tamale 071?

The first time Dr Sogbordjor of blessed memory asked me to bring my stool for lab test at Achimota Hospital in 1984, hmmmm…I went with a kitchen stool.

I was nearly ‘lynched’ for being an idiot. Then they taught me what they meant by ‘stool’. They just wasted their own time because I sent a whole kaka kola bottle filled with the early morning ‘this thing’ and the moment I sent it to the hospital lab, I was immediately picked up by the hospital security and shoved into an ambulance and straight to Pantang!

The traffic jam from the airport residential area towards every part of Accra was dense! After 7pm, ‘night’ was to announce its nature: evil thrives under darkness. All the guest houses and lodges were fully booked. I earlier told my wife that that particular week my church all night service had been moved to Tuesday because my pastor was going to travel on Wednesday. Apparently, she had secretly installed a vehicle tracking device on my car. I was supposed to be in Dansoman but she could track my car in Adenta. Ei!

I called Ablavi to make a date; she simply refused to pick the call. My heart was broken. Could it be that of all the days, Ablavi decided not to pick my calls? Or perhaps some man bi has booked her already? Noo. Ablavi is not the type but how can one be sure?

I needed a substitute to ‘celebrate’. Angela of Adenta came to mind. She also had me as a substitute because from her tone, I could tell someone disappointed her too and she needed to fill in the space; I needed to fill in the space too. I switched my 022 off because what if Ablavi calls back after I had agreed to meet Angela?

I switched it on again in anticipation of Ablavi returning my earlier call. I like Ablavi because she is ‘affordable’. A wassap message dropped; it was Akuwa of Sakaman wishing me happy Vals Day. Akuwa of Sakaman prefers teddy bears as Val’s day gift. Angela of Adenta prefers iphone 7. I was still waiting for Ablavi’s call because for her, anything goes. Give her ‘roasted plantain and she would love you forever – very modest. Last year I bought a toilet roll for her on Val’s day and she is still thanking me. I wonder what she uses it for.

This year, I am sure getting her ‘Kofi brokeman’ will suffice. Portia of Awudome Estates was calling. I won’t pick this call. I knew she was going to ask me for mobile money as if I am a telco. She is the lady who asked me for a padlock for a gift last year o. Only God knows what she would use it for.

I became the most confused man last year Vals Day. Wifee called reminding me to buy Nan 1 for Makafui. I had enough money to spend that night but complained I didn’t have GHC30 to buy Nan 1. Oh Lord God have mercy oo. Angela and I agreed to meet at a guest house on the Dodowa road. I got a flat tyre at Ritz junction; the devil is a liar! I managed to fix it timeously. I reached the guest house before Angela did. The rooms were fully booked.

Why are some people so immoral, I bemoaned; only reminding myself that I was immoral too. Surprisingly, not a single vehicle could be seen in the premises of the guest house and the vehicle owners were nowhere to be found either. It was obvious where they were hiding, perhaps ‘praying’ in the small guest rooms. It was past 8pm. Driving out to pick Angela at Ashiye junction, I saw more than 15 cars scatteredly hiding around. All I wanted was a place I could ‘pray’ with Angie! Vehicles were packed one million miles away from the guest house. Everybody was coming to ‘pray’ for ‘forgiveness’ or is it enjoyment. I went back to the guest house ostensibly looking for the guest house manager to provide fire insurance for the facility (at this time?)

I spoke with the ‘boy’. Oh yes, most guest houses have at least one young boy. He assured me 2 rooms were going to be available in 25minutes. He had a timer in hand and a piece of paper showing the room numbers and the time the occupants checked in. Angie was calling. I refused to pick the call initially but I did eventually.

I had to pick her up. She hugged me and planted something sweet on my lips and it was chocolate, the red one. I froze though I was so used to her ‘spent force’ touches. I gave her a parcel – an eye phone battery! Yes, the price of only the battery was enough to buy 50 yam phones.

I managed to wait in a distance of about 200 meters away awaiting ‘emptying’ of the rooms. I didn’t want anybody to see me around as holyy as I had always presented myself. I called ‘the boy’. His response was that even though 2 rooms were ready for ‘takeover’, the occupants paid an extra GHC45 for extension. Aaaaooooo! Wey kan ‘prayers’ be this?

Eventually, Angie and I checked in at about 9.12pm. Angie was in the mood. I was losing the mood. I reluctantly said the ‘opening’ prayer. The second ‘session’ required some deliverance because it looks like my age was taking a toll on me. 41 years after 25th December 1975 is not a joke oo. I started telling stories she would not listen to. One of such stories made her nearly visiting my cheeks with the inner part of her palm – I was repeatedly asking ‘ei so where was your mother born – Accra or Kumasi? Just to fill in the space. She only concentrated on playing with my ‘fleshy bible’ and ‘prayed’ for me but my ‘power bank’ needed recharging! What an embarrassment! I didn’t enjoy ‘the prayers’. Worst of all, Angie forced me to do it ‘just like that’ and in no time piaaaaaa – no ‘cover’! I didn’t think twice because with that the ‘power bank’ sometimes recharges automatically albeit temporarily at a ‘half clutch’ position. I managed it. Immediately I realized how much I dey fear HIV! Kai! God, why me?

I dropped Angie off and gave her GHC40 with the eyephone charger that cost me so much. She nearly slapped me and asked whether the GHC40 was meant for credit. Ablavi would never do this. I swerved the question and the slap. Indeed the solution to my second fear actually led me to the trouble later at home – a used pack of ‘Lidya’ was found in my car that had already been tracked!

My innocent wife’s argument was that at least it should have been ‘Phiesta’ but ‘Lidya? Oh my God, forgive me wai! Then it occurred to me that if I transfer the dreaded disease to her, the future of our children is doomed!

Only God knows who is going to heaven. Some of us are deceiving ourselves.

Next week Wednesday, I am scheduled to do a compulsory HIV test and I am already scared. Scared of what?

You won’t believe this. Angela, the Angel called me to say she is 6 weeks pregnant between last Tuesday and today o. How come? Why have I thrown the fear of God to the dogs? God should forgive me and any other person like me ooo, ei!

So why do you keep accepting my lies about myself ? Hahahaaaaa!

So now I ask: ‘must Valentine’s Day be all about s3x?’ If the thoughts of HIV test comes to mind and you miss a heartbeat p3, that is an indication that the slightest mistake can get you there! AIDS is real.

As we observe Vals Day this Wednesday, please be careful about the demands of the flesh and peer pressure from people like me. Once in a while, not bad though; after all, man must die of something! – It’s your choice - choose your ‘stool’ wisely! Happy Valentine’s Day!