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Opinions of Thursday, 29 March 2018

Columnist: Mawuli Zogbenu

Humor: Jesus’ blood plagiarised

How can you eat fufu GHC10, goat meat GHC20, akrantie GHC12, and drink sugary drink on top? Don’t be deceived into thinking you are enjoying life o. You are only putting pressure on your KIDNEYS. Are you ok? You can continue till doctors give you the estimated cost of dialysis per day! How much be your salary sef? Hmmm!

Anyway, I am looking for the blood of Jesus to buy this Easter but can’t find any oo. I blame the shortage on my wife. Hmmm. So what should I do again about this my wife, Fatimah? Ern? Last Christmas she used all the blood of Jesus on killing wall geckos and cockroaches. This same blood that we are all managing small small, she alone is just wasting it like that. A wall gecko was seen inside her wardrobe and the next thing you would hear is ‘I consume you in and with the blood of Jesus’. Mosquito bites her after leaving the trap door ajar ‘Holy Ghost fire mixed with the blood of Jesus, consume them’. Cockroach is seen inside the lower compartment of the fridge ‘I pour unto you the blood of Jesus now – come out, you witch’. ‘Whoever sent you, tell the person you didn’t meet me’. ‘I am covered with the blood of Jesus and this includes my fridge and every content in it’.

Sadly after all of these, she would still go to Church on Sunday expecting her pastor to prophecy into her life that ‘I saw God telling me you saw a cockroach in your fridge last week and your husband killed it; he killed your wicked witch sister-in-law’. Tell your husband he is blessed’. She will still believe oo. Sometimes the prophets don’t have anything to prophecy about but she would still expect to be told something, usually the bad ones especially if she suspects I am gossiping about her to myself!

The same blood she claims are covering her, she is wasting some and pouring them out on cockroaches. Aoo! Some of our wives and some men believe too much in superstition and everything being evil! Some people become suspicious of everything. Haaba!

Lord God have mercy and help them to economise the use of the blood of Jesus on insects because it could get finished. Leave it for us to manage small small. We know we live in a spiritual world but it is only scientific that when you leave your trap door open after 6pm, mosquitoes are likely to enter your room and this one too, you blame it on some witches and wizards who don’t exist. Awwwww! Me I taya sef! What is it!

If we continue like that by the time a snake enters our bedrooms, we may not have sufficient blood of Jesus to do the work for us oo, yoo! When I confronted my wife about this she told me the blood of Jesus can never get finished and even if it does, she would use anointing oil. See her mind oo, yes o.

Even 37 Military Hospital needs blood. Korle Bu Military sorry Teaching Hospital also needs blood so is Ridge Hospital (Dr Srofenyo’s hospital). Dr. Srof, one of Ghana’s finest Gynecologists. Some people are just gifted in their chosen professions oo. Ei, Gynecologists kraaaa, what do they do? Haaaa! I envy them just because of one thing – the ‘things’ they are licenced to see and be ‘torching torching and torching’! Ajeeeeish!

Please pass by and just donate blood or else you will get blood pressure oo! You may never know when yourself or a close relation will be in dire need of the red substance oo.

My Avey-Dakpaa people koraa, why? I returned from my hometown last Christmas and met some twin babies born of the same blood. Asked what their names were, guess what: One is Avorvuvu (meaning torn cloth) and the other is Avorlekadzi (meaning cloth on the drying line). Ooohhhhh hooooo! I am sure their backborn will be called Dzodopui (kitchen)! Upon all these beautiful names such as Ginseng, Akob3, Adziadon, Kalami, and Kutsiagbe (meaning Death survived), that is all you can use to name your children.

Anyway I understand their parents were having problems with ‘borning’ children and they dying almost instantly hence such names so that ‘death’ will not see them as attractive. With these names, it is believed the children will live their entire lives, fully.

Rev Matthew Kingsford Baidoo aka Uncle Pee of Assemblies of God Church, if you want to tile your house or do P.O.P ceiling at Amrahia, and you are using any other artisan who is not a Togolese-trained or from Aflao, think again. Chances are that you may sooner or later redo the POP or the tiles. Me I talk finish!

Seriously whoever is in charge of the Catholic church in Ghana should not read this oo. It is needless to state that the Catholic institutions have very high standards in almost everything they do. But in recent times the same cannot be said about them by me especially their time management in SOME of their Parishes during weddings. Gone were the days when you rushed to attend a wedding in a Catholic Parish because the moment you delay one minute, you were likely to get there and the programme was going to be over. Maximum of 2 hours and everything is over. Fantastic time management standards and this was observed religiously.

I can recall attending at least 4 programmes in the last few years and I must confess, I was disappointed. The very last one was a wedding at OLA Parish at New Achimota scheduled for 1pm. We closed at about 4.22pm! why? There was one I attended at St Theresa’s near Awudome cemetery and oh God, forgive me! Time wasting be what! It was either due to an overloaded programme or delays by the couple. I can’t tell which one was the case.

Ei, did I ever hear this allegory that when couples delay for the commencement of their wedding programmes, it spiritually guarantees successful marriages and that could account for common incidents of delays in some churches? Hmmm!

Please, Roman people, with all due respect, what has changed especially in times when we have multiples of social activities including plenty weddings and funerals every Saturday? The OLA Parish wedding I am making reference to ended at 4.22pm and the reception was expected to be on the University of Ghana campus. Just do the calculation: Driving or boarding a taxi from New Achimota through Achimota, to Dzorwulu, Tetteh Quarshie, Okponglo and then the Ivory City for a wedding reception and what time would the couple have to take pictures and what time would be left to do all the other things at the reception ground and eat at what time for the food to digest before late? No please!

Contrary to this unfortunate development, some other churches seem to be more disciplined with their time for such social events. I stand to be prayed against but please the Catholic Church, you blaze the trail when it comes to standards and discipline and please check this otherwise I won’t attend your weddings again oo, yoo!

It’s just an observation because nowadays time is of the essence oo. Fast fast fast and everything is over and everybody goes away to attend to other social and personal stuff wai! I beg you, my humble appeal. Forgive me if I have not offended you oo, members of the Catholic fraternity!

Yes o, I just heard it is the couple who are causing the delays oo. It could be true oo.

Shhhhh! Silence! this whole narration could be a hoax oo! Just ignore!

No gari and beans this Easter for me o; why? Na me bring povarty? ‘Happy Easter’ (plagiarized because I don’t know who first said it)!