Examining a Failed Exam; Finding the Strength for a Successful Comeback

‘The antidote to frustration is a calm faith, not in your own cleverness, or in hard toil, but in God's guidance.’ - Norman Vincent Peale

Growth is a natural phenomenon in life; hence it is imperative to advance in any sphere of endeavor as it becomes an anomaly to not grow. Imagine a baby that does not grow physically after being fed with all the milk you can think of yet remains the same year after year! That is why transitions are celebrated by all; from childhood to adulthood, bachelorhood to marriage, student or professional graduation all signify a promotion to the next realm. Nonetheless, these transitions are often preceded by a test or trial directly or indirectly. This is more so in our contemporary society where the world is shifting towards a knowledge economy, where stiff competition has translated into regular assessments for choice positions.
Though tests and trials have been part and parcel of life on earth since time immemorial, the Sui Dynasty of ancient China(605 AD), is credited as first to introduce a nationwide standardized test known as the imperial examination to choose suitable candidates for particular governmental positions. England followed suit in 1806 adapting the Chinese imperial examination to find quality candidates for Her Majesty's Civil Service, which later was implemented in the field of education and spread globally.
Consequently, a test or examination is meant to appraise or evaluate a person’s knowledge, skill, aptitude, physical fitness, or classification in a particular field. Simple as this may sound, test-takers regardless of age or geographical location will confess to the anxiety, tension, headache, sleepless nights that the mere mention of the word test can conjure!
It is the desire of any normal student to pass his/her final exam with flying colours and graduate to the next chapter of life, but this is also preceded by an exam. Hence to a student any test is a high-stakes test as it may have serious consequences especially the final or ultimate exams.
Once I was faced with such exam during my first degree. Hitherto I had progressed from first year to final year without any examination hiccups and was confident and hopeful of same during my final exam. I had done all the studies I could think off, burn the midnight candle, held discussions with study groups to make sure there was no stone unturned. But guess what, my last paper in my final year exam came out with an F (fail)! When I finished the last paper I felt so relieved, it was not difficult and I thought that was the best paper in the lot, and even a nice way to crown an exam with a cool paper! I was confident of perhaps making a first class and was in the company of class mates to go check our final grade. Of course if I knew what was waiting for me, I would have quickly excused myself. I was so happy to be amongst the latest graduates and could not wait to hear my high scores. We were in the office of one of the lecturers and he mentioned each person who had graduated, it got to my turn and his face changed, I was anxious. He asked ‘..what happened to you?’ I began to look left and right hoping he was not talking to me! Then he made it clear he was referring to me: I did not make it. I wanted the earth to open and swallow me up quickly. Amidst the jubilation of successful candidates there was a small opening by the door, I vanished from the office! I was in pain, feeling some really heavy weight over my shoulders. I did not know what to do nor what to say, nor where to go. Then my phone began to ring: my auntie asking me what meat I would like for the food she was preparing for me to celebrate my successful completion of the first degree. She wanted to know whether I wanted goat meat or grasscutter! I did not know what to say I said both! Then other friends were calling to ask of the date of graduation so they can join me. Ei, I said..’ please call later, I am in a meeting!’ ( Afterall I was in deep meeting with my thoughts and next line of possible actions! Ha ha). I wanted to cry but co tears came! I felt like a living-dead. My body was there alright but inside I was lifeless.
Then all sorts of thoughts were rushing through my mind: maybe there is no future for me that is why I have failed early so I do not waste time living anymore: just commit suicide and avoid this shame and humiliation; you have already wasted four years of your life: where is this so-called God of your that you serve and could not help you?: turn to alcohol and drugs so you can escape all these drama; forget Christianity it is for some people and you are not part of that select group that is why this happened…I just felt so betrayed by God. Then I began to think of what I will tell people. I was a member of the organizing wing of the Student’s Chaplaincy Council that cleaned the church arranged chairs and prepared the venue for church service so I was thinking of what people might say..’oh he pretends he is serving God but is doing secret things that is why God has punished and forsaken him’. I was also into student governance and was known in my college so I was thinking of what I will tell my juniors when they see me in their class the following year again! At that time if you fail a final year exam you have to join the graduation class of the following year! A year of hell that felt like an albatross hanging over my head. I was really mad at God so I also gave Him my piece of mind! Yes I mean I told him my piece of mind. I can see how itchy your ears are…I told Him he must be a really lazy God to be up there and see my toil and hard work yet let me go through something like this, especially given all my prayers to Him for His assistance before the exams and my service in the church. I wanted to simply quit church cause I felt Christianity does not work for me. But God did not promise a smooth sail in life, come to think of it, He would have been unfair if Christians are to have everything easy without challenges whilst unbelievers’ struggle yet He being Father to us all. He is fair to everyone, His grace and mercies are what see us through the challenging times so life.
I was prompted to write this piece after reading of a young person who committed suicide after going through the same situation as mine. Then I wished I could have had a minute to talk to this person. But it also made me realize that though I felt let down by God and did not have any strength of my own, God indeed saw me through. After all, I am not more human than this person.
I was also at the graduation ceremony to congratulate and celebrate with my mates who passed. I looked through the graduation booklet over and over hoping to this would be a mistake so my name would be on the graduation list but it was not to be. I congratulated my colleagues but I was in pain, jealous and felt so sorry for myself. I remember the anger I felt towards the lecturer whose paper I failed. But managed to call him at Christmas to wish him a merry Christmas and similar send him greetings on father’s day which came to mind as suggestions to cancel the anger towards him. My natural demeanor would be to sulk and curse but here I was doing the opposite which was still painful for me! Looking back it looks like a case of ‘….though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death..thy rod and thy staff they comfort me!’. I remember thinking, if I cannot pass first degree exams, it means I am not capable of doing masters nor even imagine a doctorate. But here again God saw me through to masters and to doctorate level in prestigious universities across the globe! Wow how the tides of life can change by God’s grace!
So I had to dust myself, do the class assignments and travel from Accra to Kumasi (about 4-5 hours drive, 256 km)to do mid-semester exams and again for the final exams whilst doing my National Service. This time I graduated but it felt like a pyrrhic victory the toll it had on me was such that though I was happy to be done it was hollow. After all, hope deferred makes the heart sick. Whew! What a sigh of relief!
It is said that all things work for the good of them that love Christ. But I really could not find the good in this, and concluded that God simply does not love me or does not have me in His plans although the bible also says that before we were born God already knew of us and had a plan for us hence He does not make a mistake. I felt I must be the exception to this, a complete mistake.
So if you are experiencing a similar situation, first I empathize with you and would like you to know that ‘There's hope for your future, declares the LORD (Jeremiah 31.17).’ and that ‘‘ He has made everything beautiful in His time (Ecclesiastes 3.11)”. Is anything too hard for the Lord? Definitely not, so hang on to your hopes and dreams: do not give up on God because He has not and will not give up on you. His mercies are new every morning, just take things one day at a time.
‘Faith isn't the ability to believe long and far into the misty future. It's simply taking God at His Word and taking the next step.’
- Joni Erickson Tada