By Koo Didipreko (The Catalyst)

My people village brother greets you oooooooo! I bring you greetings from the forest. Your brother has been on a hunting expedition in the forest for the past only God knows how many moons where the elephants reign supreme in the art of cacophony. Then your brother was in the capital city too and brings to you special fila from the ‘asomdwe’ ruler of the motherland.
Your brother has been out of sight and hearing range for quite a long time and can imaging how you people have been missing all the fila from the elephants’ fraternity. Sorry I have to keep so long out of the village but it’s for a very good reason.
My people, you can’t believe it. Like always, I, Koo Didipreko, your village brother and hunter of high repute, have brought you so much fila on the elephants from my unusually long hunting expedition that if you turned all the trees in the motherland into a writing stick, all the water in the motherland into writing liquid, and all the land of the motherland as writing sheet, there still will be enough fila left after all these writing accoutrement have been exhausted.
My people, let me whet your appetite just a little bit today. Then we will see what happens at our gatherings from next market day. Something happened within the elephant fraternity in the capital city as your brother went there after last market day.
My people, am sure you still very much remember Elephant ‘Shortingo,’ the wannabe-ruler-of-the-motherland who is the new chief elephant.
O, you can’t forget the shortingo elephant who tangoed with the asomdwee umbrella ruler for the fortress of power in the last ruler selection exercise of the motherland.
Eh, my people, we are seeing things in the hands of the elephants in this motherland of ours pa-apa!
Your brother can vividly remember how Elephant Shortingo used to dance the moving-forward kangaroo dance enacted by the elephants in the last ruler selection exercise. ‘Enye’ small ooo, my people!
How can one possibly forget Elephant Shortingo on the campaign platform with his lower lip tucked-in like a rowdy little class one boy who is engaged in a fight that is bigger than him, stretching his hands forward like an amateur karatist at the Olympic Games and swing his neck back and forth like a male duck that has been denied mating by a female duck? Hahahahahaha, agyeeeeiiii! Your brother doesn’t want to laugh ooo!
My people, how can your village brother ever forget Elephant Shortingo’s bragging about his iron rod ‘langalanga’ that dangles in front of him like a furious python in full swing to catch a prey? And also his claim that the elephant daughters of Eve are so proud of his ‘langalanga’ due to the whipping he gives them in bed and therefore the elephant daughters of Eve were the best placed to testify about his physical strength and capability to lead the elephants and not the elephant sons of Adam critics of his?
My people, your brother thought Elephant Shortingo wannabe-ruler was joking all along with this ‘langalanga’ thing until just after last market day, he dropped another bombshell. This happened at the farewell ceremony of Ameelee Taygo, one of the leading elephant daughters of Eve who just became a departed soul and went to be with the ancestors of the elephants. This happened in the forest but the elephants decided to send her to the capital city for the final farewell ceremony. Your brother was there and saw everything live and coloured.
Listen to the shortingo elephant in a special farewell message to the departed elephant soul: “Ao, my dearest of dearest, you and me have a special secret about your backside which we have never shared with the rest of the elephant family. Even as you are gone away from me to be with our ancestors, am still not ready to share that secret with them.”
Elephant Shortingo continued: “Bottoms, your bottoms, that is where our secret is, you remember? Something happens to my system when I think about the sheer size and nomenclature of your bottoms at the time you and other elephant daughters of Eve were the centre of attraction in the place of residence named after the ‘akple’ and okro soup-eating people at the institution of higher learning in the motherland situated at La Mountaintop.”
My people, Elephant Shortingo concluded that it was because of that that all healthy sons of Adam at La Mountaintop at the time, trooped to this particular place of residence to test the power of their ‘langalanga.
Elephant Shortingo said now that Elephant Ameelee Taygo has carried her bottoms away he has lost everything.”
My people, as we meet right now at this gathering, the capital city is boiling gura-gura-gura like horse meet on fire. The daughters of Eve in the motherland are causing Elephant Shortingo so much ‘wahala’ over her ‘bottom power’ farewell message that he has run quickly back to the forest in his shame.
Well my people, like always, your village brother is monitoring the situation and will update you on any new development if need be when we meet next market day.
Till then, its cheerio from your village brother.