There is probably nothing in this life more painful than scoring an own goal in a football match, with all the good intentions. That’s the reason I will not even ask the country in which the Russia 2018 World Cup is taking place. I am not really interested bcos so so own goals we dey score against ourselves in Africa. Argentina’s Messi on whom I had my bet was also at the mercy of Croatia. I couldn’t believe it. Any way that is what happens when there are too many ‘professors’ in the same ‘department’. I pray they don’t unleash their anger on Naija in their last group match.

I was just thinking o, if the nationals of Germany are called Germans, how would the nationals of Iceland be called? Could it be ice-cream or ice water or Icelander? The choice is yours. Seriously, the Iceland guys impressed me rof. Could it be because 7 of their players are medical doctors and the goalkeeper is a movie director? Contemporary soccer knows no name or profession any more o! Don’t be surprised if Croatia gets to the finals. Yea!

You remember Ijebu? That my friend who wrote WASSCE Maths for many years without passing? Every year that he wrote Maths, he failed; in fact failing was his hobby! His permanent grade was ‘F’. He gave up eventually. Even the year he gave up and decided not to write again, WAEC still sent him results slip and guess what; it was an ‘F’. WAEC knew he would definitely re-sit and fail so every year they would print his results in advance, much like a bank standing order! You remember him now? He is a university Professor now, oh yea! Throw no human being away o!

You remember how it happened? It was the same thing I dreamt about. ‘Ping pong ping pong’, the wedding bells rang. It was the son of Bawomia getting married to the daughter of Mahamah. I was the MC at the program. Please who is that suggesting that it should have been Mahamah’s son marrying Bawomia’s daughter? Were you in the dream with me? My friend, bring evidence! Hahaaaa. At the wedding, the things I saw er, hmmm! Should I continue the dream or I should wake up? I told you the kind of dreams I have anytime I get drunk!

Some friends deceived me with fruit juice before o. Knowing very well that I don’t drink alcohol, they tricked me into drinking this useless fruit juice. Apparently they’d laced with gin; I didn’t know. After taking the ‘juice’, I became overly excited and the world felt like it was the best place to be. Everything around me was ‘nice’! I didn’t give a damn, mehn! I realised I was walking on one leg. When I moved the right leg, though heavy, it was as if the left one didn’t exist; when I moved the left one, OMG, the right one disappeared! Akpeteshie go kill person ooo! Since then, I have been having dreams!

Seriously, I am just wondering what could happen if one of these two brothers (JM and MB) either by fate or mistake crosses the other in traffic at Abossey Okai roundabout and out of anger they both get down from their vehicles only to realise they are the ones (JM &MB); only God can tell what will happen. Ei! but I pray they have no tools boxes in their vehicles! Basty and Banku sef go jealous the scene!

My friend, if you are expecting anything different from this intro, please stop reading this ‘useless’ stuff as there is nothing here except total abstract!

This is bcos what is going to follow has nothing to do with my two friends who ‘love each other’ so much that the next thing we expect is to attend a wedding of their children. One of them would be an in-law to the other p33333, wait and see! A son of one of them will marry the other’s daughter p33333! It’s only a matter of time! Unless you don’t understand GH politics!

U remember Fatimah? Fatimah and I never saw eye to eye with each other for so long during our childhood days. We disliked each other to the extent we decided to attend different universities. She ended up at Accra Legon and I, Kumasi Legon. I used to write anonymous letters to her insulting her in it. She would do same by replying ‘anonymously’ through my pigeon hole.

Two years after varsity, and the wedding bells rang and it was ‘Mawuli weds Fatimah’. Oh yea! People were shocked. Yes, the irony of life!

At the wedding reception, we shared with our guests how we both used to admire each other since childhood but often used takashi as if we were the worst of enemies. Now we ‘have born’ one naughty baby girl who has been harassing my life since.

Those days when children were born, their eyes remained closed for at least a week before the eyes would start opening small small. But today’s wassap babies open their eyes even before they get out of the womb. They know everything!

At age 1 and half, my wife decided to send her to school all because she wanted to see how Makafui would look like in her school uniform with her lunch bag at her back. Throughout my school days, I never saw a lunch bag. For the where? Is it Anunmle cyto where I was forced to sing unnecessary songs? ‘A lion… a lion… a lion has a tail, (then I hold the head); it has a big head, (then I hold the waist) and a very small waist and then I hold my torn school knicker representing a tail! Ao! Cyto go kill person oo. Even jollof rice, I was in P5 before I saw what it was like during ‘our day’ celebrations whiles in Accra o; only God knows what my friend Samuel Tindanbil went through at Osramani LA school near Kete Krachi.

As I always ask, why name your dog ‘Tiger’ when you can actually get the real tiger and keep it in your house? To be on the safer side, that’s why I named my own dog ‘Puin’, a very useless dog. When there is a problem at home, it waits for me to start backing. Yes o!

As I was saying, at the Bawomia-Mahamah wedding reception, I was sitting right behind these two fathers-in-law and could hear them converse:

Mahamah: Charlie, what’s up?

Bawomia: Ah menua, I dey for you. You too weytin dey happen?

Mahamah: Oh is it not this your economy that is taking so much of my time trying to remind you of what you told people to kick me out as the Chairman in 2016?

Bawomia: You say what? Oh Massa, I beta pass you. The economy is doing fine waaa! The sidi deprecated 4% p3 but your time it was 15%.

Mahamah: Hahahahaa! You must be dreaming. Me sef, like e no be this wedding reception like I no get food chop sef. If your economy dey biii k3k3a, sorry I mean onaapoa, ohhh sorry again. Let me start again: if your economy is doing nyafunyafua, how come I dey hong?

Abi now you sabi say governance no be easy! In 18 months, you have done 4% already. Multiply that by 2, meaning in 36 months you would have done 8%. The 12 months left for you guys to hand over to me will be prorated at 3%. Total sidi depreciation within 4 years =11% by the time you hand over to me in January 2021. Clap for yourself…’ (at this point Bawomia nearly clapped ‘kpakpa kpakpakpa kpaaa’ but he quickly restrained himself and laughed kwaa kwaa kwakwakwa kwaaaaa!

Bawomia: Massa, talk your own talk but me I be the Economist-General and I know it doesn’t work like that. You see yourself? With my Boss, Nana in support, I dey on top. hehehe, you? back in power? we dey lay the economic foundation see say by the next election, we finish you.

Mahamah:On top of what? You watch the video on Mr gram; the time you go yob yob for Central say me I no know tiing about econs?

Bawomia: But e be true, I dey lie?

Mahamah: Hahahahaha! I laugh sneeze sef! How much be fuel and the dollar when you took over and how much is it now?

Bawomia: But you too how much was fuel and the dollar when you took over from Chairman K4 and how much was it at the time you handed over to us?

Mahamah: Ah! Abi you say you be Economist-General. Do am make we see er.

Bawomia: Yes na me talk, but I still beta pass you la ah!

Mahamah: Alakpa! (at this point, they laughed laughed laughed and requested something to chew. Bawomia asked for a stick of atsiglinyi kyinkyinga and asked Mahamah what he wanted to which he indicated he wanted grilled akomf3m.

Mahamah: I like akomf3m because of its low cholesterol level.

Bawomia: Ajeei! I really don’t expect you to enjoy any other delicacy better than akomf3m. Me, for some reasons, elephant khebab works for me. (They both laughed).

Mahamah: You see my infrastructure? The Circle interchange dey bii waa.

Bawomia: Apuu! but you no see the Free SHS? No be interchange we wanted; we wanted money for pocket. See how we dey manage the economy well well. Foli Ata, the guy dey form rof; I dey coach am small small.

Mahamah: Ahan! You coaching Foli Ata? I now understand why.

Bawomia: Understand what? Hehehe! I laugh enter umbrella commot climb elephant. The economic foundation dey ground solid; Johnnie, I say you no know tinnn in econs!

Mahamah: hahahahahaa! but I suwear, if I win the 2020 election, by 2024, you no go get any message for the people so pray hard.

(They both laughed out very loudly to the hearing and amazement of the guests from either side of the political divide).

The conversation continued:

Bawomia: these guys think we don’t share ideas oo and they create the impression that we are enemies. We have good intentions of making life comfortable for Ghanaians o but...

Mahamah: that is what amazes me o!

Bawomia: Ei, see, Daavi Yvonne just sent a wassap message saying they have finished cooking some special wedding dinner and she and Hajia Lordina are waiting for us. Guess what? Daavi Yvonne prepared ampesie and palaver sauce for you and Hajia Lordina together with Hajia Samila prepared TZ for me. Awwwww! Our Special Guest of Honour, Nana, the President is also on his way. Dr Boom and Dr. K4 are also coming for the reception.

Mahamah: alright, let’s get going

Bawomia: No problem but won’t you chew the akomf3m again?

Mahamah: Commot for there, my friend! (As they both laughed it off).

When they stood and walked together, the audience gave them a standing ovation, applauded the two as they hugged each other.

My dream was rudely truncated by a rude phone call I received from Ablavi, my side eyi all bcos of mobile money. It pained me o like I would have seen more things but don’t worry, I will dream again.

Seriously our leaders are together o; don’t ever be deceived into thinking that they are at each other’s throat o, yoo!

Congratulations on your wedding o, Mr & Mrs Mahamia! They go born plenty pikins rof! Am I still dreaming? Hahaaaaa!