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Opinions of Wednesday, 19 April 2017

Columnist: Alhassan Andani

Assembling complete! Here are the keys, your Excellency

The entire government machinery of the erstwhile administration ground to a halt. Ex-president, H.E John Mahama, met his waterloo over the failure on his part to convince the Ghanaian electors why they should keep the machinery running.

He lost the election last year with his retinue and subsequently ‘expired’ on the midnight of 6th January this year. He wanted to continue driving but the vehicle owners thought otherwise. Perhaps he would have collapsed the engine beyond the repairing skills of the engineer at Suame Magazine.

Or better still, the owners were unhappy about how the vehicle was maintained by those he had employed to do so. They were unhappy with the state of the vehicle.

Many of them alleged that some of the employees were illegally and compassionlessly removing the parts of the vehicle little by little.

President Mahama had passion for driving, especially the Ghanaian vehicle but the Driving and Vehicle Licensing Authority refused to renew his license because his vehicle performed abysmally during the road worthy test conducted on 7th December, 2016 through the imprimatur of the owners which led to the confiscation of the vehicle.

The owners didn’t confiscate the vehicle from Driver Mahama to waste away and increase cost as the vehicle would have broken down but it was handed over to another Driver.

Before the confiscation, this driver had entered the house of every owner of the vehicle to adduce sufficient facts as to why he can be more of a qualified and competent driver.

He had nicknamed Driver Mahama and his Co-driver as two “incompetent Drivers” because to him, the former and the latter were unable to interpret road signs correctly.

Whenever they were supposed to turn left, they switched on the right traffic indicator. Where they were not supposed to buy fuel either on credit or cash, they went. At a point, he became furious because instead of the vehicle recording profits, it was rather incurring more debts for maintenance.

His Co-Prospective Driver, whom he has described as a brainy engineer and that he had fixed vehicles, elsewhere, in deplorable state than the state of Ghana said that Driver Mahama was spending a lot in maintaining the vehicle and even lamented that the resources that were kept at home ab initio for the vehicle’s maintenance were now woefully insufficient.

The money became a pittance to continue financing its purpose. But “incompetent Driver Mahama” and his Co-Driver wanted to proof that they were competent by running to an institution called Bretton Woods somewhere in Mr. Trump’s land for “Mahama paper”, regardless of the strings that were attached in order to keep the vehicle alive.

Please I only know the name of the place as Bretton Woods Institution but those who are in ties and suits and have acquainted themselves with terminologies like “Gross Domestic Product” and “Public debt” professionally called it the International Monetary Fund, IMF for short.

Driver Akufo-Addo became the new driver. But there was the need to give the vehicle to him on a particular day according to some excerpts of one book that the owners use in governing themselves as they were not in an Oligarchy replete with impunity.

On that day, the Driver and his Co-driver would swear that they would keep the vehicle in good state and that they would at all times defend the vehicle from looters.

They would swear an oath of office under the supervision of someone who is equally an owner of this vehicle but has distinguished himself or herself after having read, read, and in fact, apprehend the articles and clauses in our law books.

Not left out are some supporters of his party who helped him snatched the vehicle. Drivers of different vehicles from different parts of the world were also present at the ceremony.

We were lucky in Ghana because Driver Mahama was not ‘driving-drunk’ like in the case of one tiny mainland country in West Africa, the Gambia, where the Driver had said he will drive for “billion years, if Allah wills”.

Driver Mahama was on record to have said that ‘violence will not consume the vehicle under his watch,’ maybe, he will still develop appetite for the driving job in the offing or mayhap he was compassionate to Ghanaians like he was to the Guantanamo Bay detainees.

The new driver spoke a lot from a long sheet of sentences to the point of choking on the handing over day. He mentioned a lot of people who were dead but whose contribution in building the vehicle he is coming to drive was immortal. He told us we were the owners of the vehicle and that we should not develop lukewarm attitude towards its upkeep.

Many owners who wanted to drive this vehicle but were denied access said he copied that from one late Driver somewhere but I am unable to authenticate that.

In fact, this revelation according to the gospel of “babies with sharp brains” besmirched and impugned him! As the new driver sat on the dais with his traditional regalia, the day passed after the heaping of encomiums accompanied by handshakes from different Drivers from elsewhere and even drivers who drove the vehicle before him including Driver Mahama.

From that day onwards, Driver Akuffo-Addo started disassembling the vehicle in order to reassemble it with new parts. After assembling, what’s next?

Recruitment of mates was necessary as lone maintenance of this minefield would have been disastrous. He employed one mate and named him senior mate whose role many said was going to conflict with the role of the Co-Driver.

Subsequently, the senior mate said he was going to be part of the team who will make sure that the vehicle was in admirable shape and above all keep an eye on his colleagues.

In fact, he employed a lot of mates much to the chagrin of some hopeful drivers. They disagreed with some of the roles he entrusted under the care of some mates as they were difficult to comprehend and a complete duplicates of roles which I also demurred.

For example, ‘why should you have one mate to monitor others when already one mate has been assigned this role.’? they quizzed! Because they are fluent with the Queen’s language more than I do, they summarily posited that the Driver was employing “cronies” as mates.

With even more vocabulary in stock, they asserted that those duties assigned by the Driver was “job for the boys”. But Because the Driver was in this driving competition business ever since his heydays, he didn’t pay heed.

He continued to employ more mates to even new areas of the vehicle because he promised to give the vehicle a first class treat.

After all, said and done, the vehicle was assembled with even new parts and new mates as staff. The vehicle is now ready for driving but there is a caveat; You must make sure that there is always engine oil to serve as a lubricant to prevent the collapse of the engine because you have told the owners that your nickname is “Competent Driver Akufo Addo”.

Besides, you promised a lot and a lot of owners expect you to deliver the lot. The owners are at far but with binoculars and telescopes. If there is no value for money in your employment as the new Driver, don’t ever think they will aid you financially in renewing your license at the Driver and Vehicle Licensing Authority come December 7th, 2020.

Please this one is needful and can cost you if you think it is needless; Don’t let the mates steal any part of the vehicle, be it the valve of the tyres or the engine of the vehicle. Be alert! Your Excellency.

The owners are onboard with fastened seat-belts. Here are your keys, step on the accelerator and drive them safe!

The Writer is a Friend of Politics and a Confused Student Studying BSc Computing-With-Accounting at UDS, Navrongo Campus.