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Opinions of Saturday, 28 November 2015

Columnist: Cameron Duodu

Good roads bad, bad roads good!

K1: EI KOO, have you heard about the new knowledge the John Mahama government has imported into Ghana?

K2: New knowledge? Imported? Do they know how to import? Then why haven’t they imported expertise to solve dumsor?

But they have ordered barges from Turkey to solve dumsor?

When are the barges showing up?

Ok, ok! They are also thinking of importing coal?

That’s new knowledge all right. The next thing you know, the World Bank will be fining Ghana millions of dollars for creating carbon, while other countries are being rewarded for using solar!

But back to the so-called new knowledge….

Ah, I see that these days you don’t read the papers!

But I do!!

And you haven’t heard about what the deputy minister for the Northern Region said?

Well, I can’t read everything said by deputy ministers? Even ministers talk rot? How much more junior ministers?

Listen, this one is way beyond rot! From the comfort of a 4 x 4 SUV comes this:

QUOTE: “BAD ROADS ARE GOOD FOR GHANA Alhaji A.B. Fuseini, Deputy Northern Regional Minister, has suggested the most effective way to ensure safety on the roads in the country is to have bad roads. He said bad roads are more lives saving in terms of road accidents than good ones.

“According to him, not even erecting speed ramps was a panacea to the increasing number of deaths on the road. The minister was delivering a speech on behalf of the Regional Minister at Road Safety Awards for Stakeholders. Hon. A.B. Fuseini said ‘There is a serious contradiction I have seen in road traffic management and that contradiction is, sometimes we care about bad roads, but the roads seem, in certain instances, to have better records of protecting lives than even the better ones.’

“The minister recalled that the better the roads, the more accidents that are recorded on it.(sic) He indicated that not too long ago they were travelling on the Fufulso-Sawla road and because of the very bad nature of the road, the speeding was relatively curtailed. He said people were more careful and were all avoiding the potholes. However, the deputy minister said people were now driving at a neck breaking (sic) speed and the number of accidents that were already recorded on those roads appeared to be increasing more than it used to be since government tarred that particular stretch.” UNQUOTE Source: Peacefmonline.com

K2: That’s for real? Absolutely fantastic! So you think this minister has heard of the autobahns in Germany and how they reduce accidents because they are so straight and smooth?

Germany? I don’t think he’s even heard of how safe the Accra-Tema Motorway used to be, until its regular maintenance routine was torn up and the shreds thrown into the Sakumono Lagoon! Do you think this minister ever takes breakfast before he goes to work? I mean, does he allow the cook-steward provided by the government to cook boiled/fried eggs for him? Beefsteak? Kentucky-fried chicken? Goat soup? Grilled guinea fowl? All washed down with tea, milk and sugar? You mean all these foods contain cholesterol which can block the arteries and cause diseases like coronary thrombosis?

Why not just say ”heart attacks”?

Ah, you don’t know the deputy ministers in Mahama’s government, do you? They are all so ”learned” that if you make a mistake and don’t use the exact scientific term when discussing anything they have said, they will write a 40-page tome as a ‘rejoinder’!

Yes, I can see that. I mean, look at this thesis produced by Alhaji A B Fuseini. If you follow it to its logical conclusion, you will say, “Don’t wear shoes because shoes can cause corns to grow on your toes. Shoes can also bend your toes if you are prone to arthritis.”

“Don’t drink pipe-borne water because you might be allergic to the chemicals used to treat it!” ”Don’t drink pitobecause it might make you use a bow and arrows!

Don’t take anti-malaria tablets because they can make some people itch!”

“Don’t take any medicines at all because according to the documentation that accompanies most pills, the potential side-effects are worse than the disease for which you are taking the pills!”

“Don’t use a computer because you might chance upon pornographic material!”

“Don’t use a smart phone because they are a security risk – foreign intelligence agencies can trace your whereabouts from the signals they emit!”

“Don’t go to school because you might learn how to use filthy words. Do you remember that when we began to learn English, the first words whose English versions we wanted to know were the genitalia? “Hahhahahahaha!”

“Where would we be if the discoverer of electricity had abandoned the idea because electricity can produce a shock that can kill humans?

”Don’t go to the moon because you might not be able to return to earth!”

“Don’t sit in an aeroplane because it might crash!”

“Don’t play football because you might break your leg!”

“Don’t go to your farm because a snake might bite you on the way!”

Koo, the man has become a laughing stock on the internet. One guy wrote this about the angry reaction to the man’s thesis::

“My Breda, quit fretting and organize a posse to tear up the road from Kwawu Praso to Juaso Nkwanta. Who knows how many lives will be saved? They may even dash you some wives for saving lives! Hehehe!”

Oh that reminds me: I forgot to say that no man should get married because his wife might commit adultery. Or give him disease. Or produce ugly children for him. Or not know how to cook!””

Another guy, replying to the first chap, wrote: “Yêê…..Nice one!! This guy got elected on false pretences. I’m digging for his campaign speeches. Like all these slippery, jelly eel types, they sell you the dream and once elected, we get this sort of thing in return. From Nkawkaw to Kuntunase to Asankare.. You don’t want to know the personal tragedies I have witnessed — from the days of my youth! Every Christmas was ruined by needless Christmas-time road casualties. If you dare look in the ravine at Kuntunase.. the carcasses of many vehicles still lie unclaimed !!… I am taking your advice.. The first road to tear up will be that of the minister..!!”

“Oh leave that to those of his constituents who can only travel on “bone-shaker” roads.. He can fool some of the people some of the time but he can’t fool all the people all of the time!”

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