LIFESTYLE: 10 funny ways to turn down intimacy

Now, we are certainly not saying that this list is something you should refer back to every single night when you don’t feel like having some intimacy with your partner. The 10 funny ways to turn down lovemaking on this list should be used sparingly, and not all the time. If you use them every day, your partner will certainly start to suspect that something weird is going on!

“Hmm, yesterday she stubbed her toe, this morning the cat scratched her and she thought she had rabies that she didn’t want to give to me, and tonight she says she’s got brain fog.”

This list is instead created for those times when you’re just not in the mood to be bothered making love to your partner. Perhaps you’re tired or feeling a bit down from work. Unfortunately, saying that you just aren’t in the mood doesn’t always work, so let’s take a look at 10 funny ways to turn down physical intimacy when you are not feeling it, and make sure to read it with a drop of humour…

You’re bloated

Yes, you had a big meal and now you’re bloated. In fact, you’re so bloated that you can’t even make love. No, this is not the kind of bloated feeling your partner gets after he eats a mixed grill. This is serious bloating that will last for at least 8 hours. The great thing about bloating as an excuse is that your partner can’t catch you out.

After all, you look physically fine as always. But internally, you feel terrible. See, when you say that you have a cold, your man will be able to detect whether you really have a cold or not. There would be signs, such as a runny nose and a cough. With bloating, you can literally whale-out on the sofa and watch Netflix, because you can’t move.

You’ve now got a lovemaking schedule

You spent all day today getting your life in order and writing up a lovemaking schedule. And he thinks he can come along at 8pm and ruin the schedule already? Who does he think he is?!

“Woman stuff”

Yes, tonight you’ve got that “woman stuff” issues that your man wouldn’t understand, not even if you explained it all to him. You have to be careful with how you use this one, though. Never stray too far from “woman stuff”, because he might get concerned. For example, if you say that you feel on fire down there, he’s going to spend half the night worrying about you. Before you know it, he’ll be on the phone to the hospital arranging an X-ray. Just brush him off with “woman stuff” and reassure him that you’ll be fine tomorrow. He’ll give up trying to make love to you, and he won’t be too concerned.

The waiting turns you off

You could tell your partner that what really gets you in the mood for intimacy is the waiting. The extended foreplay. You could tell him that instead of getting down to it tonight like a pair of animals, you would rather wait another 12 hours, allowing the desire to increase. Of course you’re pretending and nobody likes waiting for anything. But if you whisper in his ear how it will be, if you both deny yourselves pleasure for another few hours, he’ll buy it easily. “Good things come to those who wait.”

You’re not changing clothes again

You’re wearing your fifth outfit today already because of a fashion disaster, and just cannot deal with the idea of getting changed yet again. He’ll have to deal with it and wait another day.

Your back is killing you

If you decide to wheel out the back pain excuse, you need to be convincing. Like bloating, back pain doesn’t really manifest any obvious symptoms. People can walk around the office all day with back pain and no one would know. It’s not as though we look like hunchback’s or anything. Still, you will need to wince and groan every now and then. Tell him that even doing the simple things, such as buttering your toast, is difficult. Remind him throughout the day how much pain you’re in. If he really doesn’t look convinced, you could do the whole hunchback routine.

You think you should both get tested

You’ve been together for a little while now, and you think it’s time that you both got tested. You know, just in case.

Put a face mask on

If you’ve noticed that your partner has returned home from work in a particularly frisky mood and you suspect that making love is on the cards, you could be really sneaky and put a face mask on. So when he comes out of the shower, expecting to kiss you all over, you’ll be lying in bed waiting for your mask to set. This will be really disappointing for him, because he’s been super excited and you’ve basically ruined his night. But no matter how excited he is, there is no way he will want to make it with you, while you look like a dripping swamp. You’re basically free.

You’ve just had your hair done

The thing with this one is that you are going to have had something done to your hair first. Guys might not be the greatest at paying attention, but they will be able to suss out a hair lie. Once you’ve had your hair done, you can use it as your reason not to have physical intimacy. After all, you don’t want to mess it up already! Best wait until tomorrow, or maybe even the week after. Hey, hair takes a long time to set.

You haven’t shaved

Using this excuse comes down to whether the two of you have any issues with body/pubic hair. If you do, you can say that you haven’t shaved for a while and it will stop you from enjoying yourself.

Do you have other ideas on how to turn down physical intimacy when you are not feeling it?