What our children took from us

I hadn’t looked at my wife for a very long time. I didn’t know how long since I drifted away but that afternoon when she walked right in front of me at the hall, wearing only a panty and bra, I was forced to look at her. I stopped what I was watching on the tv and took a long deep look at her; her eyes, her nose, her face and when she asked me, “What?” I couldn’t help but look at her lips and how it twirls whenever she was shy and confused. She asked again, “What? What are you looking at?” In my mind, I said, “You’re still that pretty girl,” but I couldn’t bring my dumb self to say what was on my mind so I just responded; “Now I can’t look at my own wife again?”

She only smiled and walked away.

We’ve been together for ten years and married for six years. We’ve had a boy, (five years old) and we’ve had a girl (almost four years old). We had another boy who died just six months after birth. I remember how it broke her heart and I remember how she spent many nights crying for the loss of our baby. She was inconsolable but time did what it does best on her and she got healed. People heal but are always left with scars. Physical scars are ugly but don’t hurt again. Emotional scars leave you searching for what you’ll never find and that hurts you and hurts those around you.

My wife carried the emotional scars around and became very distant. I tried my best to always be there and provide her a shoulder but the cut was too deep. I left her in the hands of time to heal the rest of the lingering pain. I want to believe that’s where we both started drifting apart. She wasn’t there emotionally and I let her go.

Our life became routine. She goes to work and I leave home with the kids, drop them at school before I continue to work. She comes home before I come home with the kids. We eat, we bath the kids, we help with their homework and put them to sleep. She will watch TV for some time. I will be on my laptop working on things that bring home money. Sex was far and few. Conversation didn’t happen until it was about a fight or some issues that had to do with the kids. We were passive at best and live life just to raise our kids. Everything was about them and nothing for us.

But I remember when she was a girl.

The first time I proposed to her and the conversation that ensued;

“What do you like about me?”

“Your nose and your eyes. They are pretty”

“Don’t be silly. I mean what about me makes you want to have me as your girlfriend?”

“You’re beautiful and you are down to earth. I like how you’re plain-plain, it makes me feel you have nothing to hide.”

“And you think what you have for me has a future?”

“Oh yes! If you say yes to me, that’s it. We are doing this till we get married.” (I didn’t know for sure)

“Give me some time. Let’s be sure if we both want this.”

A few weeks later, she said yes to me and the journey to who we are now started.

Those days I used to look at her. She was like a trophy I’ve hung on my wall. I knew where her curves started and where it ended. I counted all the birthmarks on her skin and knew exactly where all the six birthmarks were located on her skin. Maybe I was obsessed with her but a man in love with the right woman has a different heartbeat. I was ok when she was with me so I did everything possible to keep her close.

I met her parents just three months into our relationship. That way, I could go to her house at any time and her parents wouldn’t be worried and ask why I was looking for their daughter. Later when I introduced her to my parents, my mother said, “You better keep this one for good. We don’t want to know anyone again.”

Getting married wasn’t easy for us. I lost three jobs in two years and she stayed unemployed for three years before getting a job. That delayed our marriage but looking back, we had the best days of our lives during those periods. Kisses could last as long as we hadn’t run out of breath and sex was divine. We could do it at any time and anywhere. It was the only thing we had that we could share with each other.

We got married not too long after we both had a job. Ours was just a small wedding that ended without anyone knowing. We didn’t have much to spend on guests so we kept it on the low. Married life was on another level. I didn’t go where she didn’t follow and she didn’t stay where I wasn’t there. It was just the two of us, enjoying each other’s presence and making silly jokes out of our existence.

And then the kids started coming.

I was no longer the center of attention for my wife. Our boy took over everything and dictated our lives like the mini-god that he was. I must admit it hurt a little. You’re the cock of the walk for many days and one day you wake up and you’re only a feather duster. That hurts and that took away most of the time we could share together as a husband and a wife. The second one made things worse for us. When my wife was taking care of the girl, I was in charge of the boy. We almost always had our hands full. And when they finally go to sleep, we would be too tired to even see each other.

We became the dawn couple.

If I had to touch my wife, it had to be at dawn when the little gods were asleep. I remember one time. We had gone on for so long without s€x. I was edgy so I woke up and started getting closer to my wife. Just before I was about stepping down on the accelerator, the boy woke up. My wife also wanted it so we tried to put this boy to sleep. Just when he started dozing off, the girl also woke up. She woke up with a bang. Just hearing her scream, we both lost our edge.

I lost my wife to my babies and the death of the last one made things worse.

So that afternoon when she walked past me at the hall in a panty that covers very little of her underpart, something stirred up in me. We had been home for some days due to the lockdown. We had little to do. Kids are now not so reliant on us. They mostly play together and leave us alone. For a While.

I just responded; “Now I can’t look at my own wife again?” She only smiled and walked away…

but I wasn’t going to just stay there like deadwood so I followed her to the bedroom where she was lying face down with her two legs up and lowered backward toward her butt. I cleared my throat and she looked back at me; “What do you want? You’re behaving weirdly.” I didn’t answer. I just walked to the bed, sat at the edge and spanked her. She got the message. Just within some seconds, we were entangled in bed trying to consume each other. We missed each other and it was obvious in the ways we touched and the strength in our kisses. Not too long after, we were done and lying on our backs panting. That was when our boy ran into the room. We quickly dashed under the sheet and pretended we were busy doing something very important. He looked at my face and looked at the mother’s face and asked, “Mommy are you ok?”

Obviously he didn’t care about me. Silly boy.

That day sparked a different vibe between us. It was like we had each other and still wanted more of each other. We were young again and it was heartwarming. We wake up each morning finding new ways to outwit the kids so we could be us again. It’s not easy but there is fun in the team effort. For once, we both are on the same page looking for the same thing. It’s like a revival of some sort. Now I look at my wife and I see her. She’s not the same as she used to be when I found her ten years ago. She’s better. She had aged like a fine wine.

So last afternoon the boy was out playing with a neighbors kid and the girl was in her cot sleeping. We both raised our heads to see how far those two were. She said, “It doesn’t look like he’s coming back any moment from now.” I said, “Let’s do it quickly before he returns.”

We were about getting there when he started screaming and running in; “Mommy mommy, have you seen bla bla bla bla…” He opened the door and rushed to the hall. We were seated on the sofa like two strangers waiting to board the same bus. Innocent.

—Fiifi, Ghana