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LifeStyle of Friday, 30 April 2021


The 6 sex ‘rules’

A young couple holding each other firmly in bed A young couple holding each other firmly in bed

Sex according to many is seen as the main components that complement relationships in recent times. It is also seen as the language many couples or people in a relationship understand mostly with just a blink of an eye or a touch which is often called body chemistry.

The body chemistry of people varies and this triggers certain actions which could result in serious emotions. People are moved by certain things they see and experience, but what many do not know is the rule of sex in relationships.

Many people ask what can I do to keep my partner all to myself? Others also ask what do I do to stimulate my sexual life to suit my partner's desire?

Many people often say “I do not like sex or I hate sex” but is that the issue? Obviously no, many actually do not understand the sex language. They actually don’t know that there are rules of sex in every relationship.

GhanaWeb’s Amos Ekow Coffie has been researching from various sources and has come up with this report.

Here are the rules;

1. Practice the platinum rule

The number one rule is the platinum rule. This is what you do unto your partner what you expect them to do to you. It is about treating them right and respecting them in every aspect. You have to know the body language of your partner, once you get to know about it, make sure to do something extraordinary that will wow her or him always.

For example, surprise her by buying her lunch once a week and make sure it is delivered to him or her in their various offices. According to Megan Fleming, a New York City-based sex therapist and the author of Invisible Divorce: Finding Your Way Back to Connection, it is important to treat partner in a way you expect them to treat you. When you disrespect your partner, they will also disrespect you but when you treat them right, they will also treat you right.

2. Don’t compare your sex lives to others

This is one of the many mistakes people make in their relationships across the world especially in Africa. Many people think others are better than them in bed. This could be as a result of being exposed to sexual or pornographic content or maybe due to the idea that, other couples or people in a relationship have more sex than them. People also have the perception that, they have a small penis or very loose vagina and that they can’t have better sex as others do but that is actually a wrong perception.

No matter how small or loose your private part is, you will still have good sex based on the mindset. It is based on how you tune your mind towards it. I have heard many people say, “I fuck her well, I give him all the sex he wants” but yet he or she goes out to cheat. When your partner starts to compare your sexual life to others then it means you are not doing something right, but also it is not advisable to compare your sexual life with others because it could be the tool that can cause your breakup.

According to Keeley Rankin, a sex therapist in San Francisco, California, when we begin to compare ourselves to other people, we often find a way to either make ourselves seem better or seem less than. A long-term sexual connection is not about who is doing it the best or who’s having it the most often. Over time, your sexual connection with your partner will change, grow and if you’re open, take you places you never knew you could go. You’ll have moments of extreme highs and pleasurable connectedness, as well as moments of lows, feeling bored and disconnected. Remember, this is normal in a long-term sexual relationship.

3. Focus on what turns you on about your partner, not the turn-offs

Just as discussed in rule number one, knowing your partner very well is key in every relationship. Most men are attracted to certain things they see the same as women. When you can know what turns you on when you see your partner it helps you know get attracted to them every day. You have to be intentional about when you find your partner(s) attractive or sexually appealing. It’s so easy to dwell on the things that turn us off, but we don’t spend enough time focusing on what turns us on. You need to know what turns you on about your partner, if your fail to know what turns you on about your partner, then you are still living in ‘what have you done for me lately?’ culture.

You need to know what attracted you to your partner in the first place and try to create interactions that are conducive to replicate those feelings. Think about when you find your partner particularly attractive. Most people are turned on when they are showered with gifts or when their partners call to check upon them. But I have people say “Some Ghanaian ladies get turned on when they receive a Momo alert, lol” that’s just by the way. Some people are also turned on by the dress their partners put on, this could even trigger instant sex which could happen in the call, the washrooms of malls and many other places. Kimberly Resnick Anderson, a sex therapist in Los Angeles, California, said being aware of the context and situations in which you experience your partner as sexy or appealing and celebrating that energy is a great way to keep things fresh.

4. Have sex at least once a week

Having sex in a relationship these days is very normal but others still see it as a sacred thing and must not be practised. People have been in relationships for over six years without even seeing the underwear of their partners. Studies show that people in relationship or couples who have sex once a week have a higher level of relational satisfaction than people in a relationship or couples who have sex less than once a week. Sex also produces a physiological and psychological afterglow that can last for days. And remember, it’s not just how often you have sex, but also how you engage with each other. Different types of sex produce different benefits.

There’s sex that reinforces a sense of emotional connection (lovemaking), sex that expands our sense of creativity and fantasy, there’s sex that appeals directly to our senses (sight, sound, touch, taste and smell) and there’s sex that occurs just for the sake of sex or getting rid of some stress (like a quickie or even taking the time to masturbate). So, try to be consistent in frequency and varied in approach and keep your ‘sexpectations high. Ian Kerner, a sex therapist and author of She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman said sometimes if you’re not in the mood you have to put your body through the motions and trust the mind will follow.

5. Schedule date night

You always have sex at home either at your partner's place or your place, have you ever tried having sex outside your home? People do not know that you can have sex at the beach or even at the pool but it must be late in the night depending on the society you find yourself in. If you find yourself in some parts of Africa, society will criticize you for having sex in broad daylight at the beach or pool. Once in a month or a year, splurge on a hotel so you can have hotel sex. The novelty of having sex in a new and unfamiliar place will activate dopamine in your brain. Dopamine is the same neurochemical that is responsible for the rush of pleasure. Any novel activity (trying a new sport, new food, visiting a new place) activates dopamine, this is according to Kimberly Resnick Anderson.

6. Have ‘outercourse’

People always have intercourse every time but have never thought of having an outercourse. All they do is to go directly and jump on their partners and have sex but have you tried doing something beyond just the intercourse? For most of us, intercourse is often the main entree on the sex menu. Outercourse is also known as oral sex, manual stimulation, and other forms of touch and direct clitoral stimulation that are put on as the backburner. Taking intercourse off the menu is like the equivalent of going vegan and realizing how much other healthy, pleasurable options are out there outside of the meat.

Recent studies show that most women prefer a high degree of clitoral stimulation in order to orgasm. Ian Kerner explains that prioritizing outercourse allows you to discover new paths to pleasure that are sometimes off the beaten path. You need to make your partner feel good in bed and satisfy them to reach the sexual desire. In Ghana, many girls pretend to have satisfied their sexual even if they haven’t but are unable to tell their partners they did not enjoy the sex. This is because their partners failed to stimulate them with the outercourse formula before starting the intercourse. It is very important to try and outercourse in every relationship because it makes the relationship healthy.