So I’ve been thinking a lot about threesomes lately. Some of my closest friends swear by them. Another friend was so insulted when one of her besties asked her to join a threesome with her and her boyfriend that she didn’t speak to the girl again until the day she went to the girl’s funeral when the girl died.

Sometimes I wonder if the girl died of threesome banishment. Then I remember her parents said it was Lupus. Anyhow, I find the idea of a threesome really intriguing. Especially between people who know each other and do it as a one-off thing and then continue with their platonic friendship.

I wonder if the ghost of I’ve-licked-your-pussy-beforeness is always lingering in the air between them? Or if a threesome isn’t like Pringles at all; once you’ve popped you CAN stop. Like, let’s say it is one girl plus her boyfriend fucking her friend. Even if no pussy juice lingers in the air between the girls is it ever vaguely erotic between the guy and his girlfriend’s friend when the three of them are hanging out watching A Bug’s Life on DVD? And if he still wants to fuck the friend again, even if it was supposed to be a one-time thing, does the girlfriend mind?

If I had a threesome my ideal would be to have it with a stranger. For me and my guy to go out one night, for me to spend the night grinding up against some hot guy and for me to eye him at the end of the night and turn around to find my guy with a smirk on his face. He’ll kiss me on my neck and lick the shell of my ear slowly and ask me if my pussy is wet. He’ll tell me how he’ll put my legs over his shoulders when we get home and lick me clean. Then he’ll look at the guy chilling in the corner, still looking shell-shocked from the wine that I wound him, and be like “You want him, huh?” “Yes you do.” “Yes you do.” “Well let’s see if you can have him.”

Then he’ll walk over to the guy and say “My chick is feeling you. Do you want to come home with us?” and the guy will raise his eyebrows, look at me, pinch himself to see if he is dreaming, cock his head to the side, give it some thought and then lick his lips and say “Yeah, I think I do.”

My boyfriend will look at me and give me one of those little nods you see in Mafia movies just before someone gets killed, and I’ll slink over and pull the guy’s face down and moff the hell out of him. Then we’ll take him home and I’ll fuck both of them all night. In this ideal situation my boyfriend will be the least homophobic guy in the world and won’t shy away from contact with the guy and he will make out with him while I watch before they take turns fucking me.

There will of course be all possible variations of this activity: one will be touching me while the other is fucking me, one will be sucking on my nipples while his brother-in-Christ is sucking on my clit, one will be upside-down, licking the top of my pussy while the other slides his dick inside me, I’ll be riding one, reverse-cowgirl, while I have the other guy’s dick in my mouth… like I said we’ll have all possible algebraic equations, you’ll need to solve for x, where x is how many times I come. We’ll fuck until we pass out and then they’ll both spoon me, my boyfriend from the back and the other guy from the front.

And then in the morning we’ll put him in our car and drop him off at his house. He’ll kiss me and tell me it was an unforgettable night and if I ever break up with my boyfriend to give him a call. He’ll try to give me his number and I’ll decline it and he’ll say “Save it for a rainy day” hoping that one day I’ll call him and say “Hey, remember me? It’s raaaaaaaiiiiining.” And that will be that. My boyfriend and I will reminisce about this night very often and he’ll talk dirty about it while he’s fucking me. And we will never do it again. Fini!

You see the thing that bothers me most about all the threesomes I know is that they are all two girls and one guy. The guy gets to fulfill all his lesbian fantasies by watching the two girls fuck and suck each other, then the guy gets to fuck both of the girls and be the center of attention. The one cool thing is that the girls get to fuck each other, and for most of the people I know this works out quite well because whoever asks her friend to join her threesome is probably already attracted to that friend.

But I think it’s ridiculous how most guys I know gag at the idea of having a threesome with another guy. It’s so fucking homophobic. It’s like they are afraid they will somehow touch the other dude and it will unlock some fountain of gaylization that was unknowingly brewing inside them. Or that the other guy will be attracted to them and somehow use the threesome as an excuse to take sexual advantage of them in some way.

Or the other guy will somehow outperform them and make them obsolete. Or the worst, that watching their girlfriend get fucked by some other guy will arouse them and then they will have to spend the rest of their days in an existential crisis wondering if what made their dicks hard was their girl or something about the guy.

My biggest pet peeve about girl-girl-guy threesomes is that it’s somehow always framed with the guy as the nexus. And not just in the actual sex but in the orchestration of the threesome too. It’s articulated as a present for the guy, some special pass he gets to fuck someone else. The underlying position somehow being that it is a man’s basic instinct to want to fuck someone other than their significant other but they are not allowed to do that because of propriety and possessiveness, and so having a threesome is a way to fulfill a man’s fundamental evo psych needs while still exerting control over the situation as the significant other because you get to be there to supervise. Do you see how kinda fucked up that is? A woman feeling like “This is the best way to prevent my guy from cheating? This is the only way I can exert any control over his temptation to dog me out? This is me giving him an outlet so he doesn’t steal it for himself?” Whenever a chick tells me she’s going to have a threesome with her guy as his birthday present I have trouble believing she’s not working from this premise. I might be being judgey but I find it sad.

What I’ve noticed about a lot of threesomes is that one half of the couple usually wants it more than the other. So basically one person is feening for it and the other person wants to make their partner happy and does it for them. Then the more reluctant party develops all this baggage about how the threesome went after they have done it.

They start worrying about their partner continuing to want the other person, they start grading their performance in the threesome, they start wondering if the threesome could be seen as a metaphor for the Holy Trinity and if they were the Father, the Son or the Holy Ghost. It just causes more trouble than it solves.

Now I’m not saying that this is everyone’s premise for a threesome. Like I said, sometimes it’s a wonderful thing for wonderful reasons and everyone gets exactly what they want out of it. Sometimes the couple keeps the third person on retainer and the person becomes part of the regular mix of their exciting and fulfilling sex life. What I find most interesting about threesomes is that there are so many variables that can’t be controlled: what it will unleash, what power dynamics it will expose, what fissures it will make or what bonds it will strengthen, what will be done with the third party after the show is over?

For someone who likes to have a blueprint for things the uncertainty of it makes me kind of nervous. It seems like something that can only be done successfully with lots of rules and communication, and much like with polyamorous relationships sometimes to me it seems like too much project management for too little reward.

But then I think about it again, and see that guy I’ve been grinding on all night giving me goosebumps from the front while my guy gives me shivers from behind, and my rational assessments go out of the window. I want to be one of the pieces in that game of Tetris, fitting one angle into somebody’s corner while I fit another angle into somebody’s space till we form some perfect sexy square.