Fellas, do me a favor and slide your hand down your pants. Do you feel that? They are called kahunas. It means you are a man and men should be masculine. Masculinity has a magnetic effect on women.

I am not referring to masculinity with all its nuances and complexities as it exists in a patriarchal oppressive culture. I am talking about the type of masculinity which women love, admire and respect.

Growing up, I got the message loud and clear from the men around me that emotions are inconvenient, irrational and messy.

For most of my young adult life, I was conditioned to live in my head and use my brain to solve problems, not my heart. Then again, I acquired my secondary school education at an all boys institution so such conditioning was expected.

Unlike me, my twin brother attended to a mixed secondary school and he always related better with women. He is married for over 10 years now and a proud father of 3 lovely kids. He is probably home right now having a family night while I’m sitting in a coffee shop on a Monday night drinking chai tea lattes and writing a blog about my relationship messes. I wonder why I turned out so differently given the fact that we chilled in the same womb for 9 months. Oh well, such is life.

Over time, I came to see every woman I dated as a problem to solve, not a partner to navigate life with. In my worldview, using just my brain in a relationship was the very definition of masculinity. Boy, was I totally misguided?! My relationships often suffered horribly as a result.

Today, I subscribe to a new kind of masculinity. One which encourages men to be independent by taking control of their lives and finances; encourages men to take care of their health by hitting the gym; encourages men to be wise by reading books and traveling the world; encourages men to allow both their emotions and brain to guide their decision making.

Along my journey, I picked up three masculine traits and habits women love and admire in men.

1. Honesty rules

A woman interested in you will ask the most important questions when she first meets you. She will inquire about your current relationship status.

Should you lie to a woman about your relationship status at the very beginning, she will question everything you said to her after she uncovers the truth. If your first action as a man is to lie to a woman, you lose your masculinity rights immediately.

Honesty is who you are and what you are about. Be honest with women even if you know the truth will hurt them. If you are honest, a woman will view you as a real masculine man and she may never waver in that belief. I chose the word “may” carefully because not every woman will appreciate your honesty.

2. Talk less about yourself, listen to her more

Confidence is a masculine feature most women admire in a man. However, you have to be able to balance your interest in her with that confidence. If you do not take an interest in asking her about herself, you can come across as narcissistic.

Sure, try your best to impress her but women will notice quickly your level of interest based on the questions you ask or do not ask her. Do not rely on social media as a study guide for a woman. That approach will turn off smart and independent women plus, you will appear less masculine to them.

We have two eyes, two ears, and one mouth. Use your eyes and ears to pay more attention and listen versus doing all the talking. You are always better off getting to know her first. There are real benefits in allowing a woman to talk more about herself.

3. She is not yours after she says yes

I recently put up a post which read; “the best time to chase a woman is after she is yours.” Some men who were not happy with the post commented with statements like; “Have you seen a political candidate campaign after he or she wins an election?” Almost all who disagreed echoed a similar sentiment.

How does a politician win an election? He or she wins by appealing to the hearts and minds of people. They win by promising to make your life better; by promising to never abandon you but to work every day to make sure your needs are met.

It is certainly true that you no longer need to campaign after a win, however, you have to fulfill all the promises you made which got you elected in the first place.

It is very easy to fall into the trap of believing that once a woman agrees to be in a relationship, that she’s yours. Think about all the work it took to get her. You had to court her, impress her, be sweet to her all the time and treat her with affection. Guess what, she expects the same type of treatment after you win her over.

A masculine man will know and understand that a woman deserves the same level of attention she was paid at the beginning after she becomes yours.

These three traits are lessons which have served me well and much good has come out of it when I practiced them. The problem is, I do not always learn from my own lessons so I break these rules sometimes and pay a hefty price for that. I am still a working progress I should mention.

Fellas, I have made terrible mistakes in life but you do not have to end up like me. Practice the type of masculinity where emotions, respect, and vulnerability replaces dominance and a need to control everything.

Time to go home now. My wife and kids are waiting for me and the house should smell like warm cinnamon rolls fresh from the oven when I walk in.

Shoot! For a second I thought I was my twin brother!

By Kwadjo Panyin