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Feature Article of Monday, 10 September 2012

Columnist: ESINAM FEMENSAH

The Church Diaries… Holy House, Unholy Attires

Dear Father,

I had another crotch tickling experience in church today and if this continues, I soon may find myself singing “We shall overcome…, someday” at the Nsawam Prisons. But then, what is a man to do when my sisters in the Lord come to Your House in lingerie-like outfits; outfits that could cause the saintliest of men to forget the words to The Lord’s Prayer?

It’s becoming increasingly difficult concentrating on Pastor Wugagah’s well-rehearsed sermons, when I have pairs of gargantuan, well-oiled and supple breasts vying for my attention, taunting me and making my pulse race almost everywhere I turn in the church auditorium. And if it’s not the breasts, then it’s those fair or dark coloured fleshy thighs which makes me think of all things ungodly and makes my trousers so tight. I’m sure Sister Maame who was by me, might have been wondering why I kept crossing and uncrossing my legs.

Father, I come to church for reprieve from all those scantily clad women I meet in my daily activities, but if the scanty attires are following us to Your House, what are we then to do? You saw what Akweley was wearing- that filmy, strapless and tight lavender dress, exposing those ripe watermelons on her chest and her well- rounded buttocks and she wouldn’t sit still, but was all over the place. As for Dzifa, the least said of her attire, the better. Then there was Mrs. Afful’s daughter, Ewurabena the chorister, who was in this short skirt with a high slit, you could virtually see her underwear each time she moved on the podium. Just when I thought I had seen enough, my friend Kwaku who was a seat behind me, drew my attention to a lady in the middle row, whose G-string was on display. The blouse she was wearing wasn’t long enough to cover her trousers and I think those around her didn’t have the courage to tell her about her exhibition. Her G-string was nice too (I must admit), but I was relieved when the final Amen was said.

Father, what do our sisters see in the mirror before setting off to church? Better still, what informs their choice of outfit? Is it a desperate measure, designed to garner attention or is it a-come-hither to suitors or they simply do not have any respect for You? All this makes one wonder as to the kind of statements our women are trying to make in Your House or is it that the Church has become so liberal, we are losing all sense of propriety?

Please tell them to take it easy oo, because, though I’m a prayer warrior, I’m also a red-blooded young man with a fine sense of appreciation for a woman’s body and I don’t want to incur your wrath by admiring those jiggling and wiggling parts of the female anatomy when I should be meditating and expressing my love for You.

Father, I really need to stop here, for I’m in need of a cold shower.

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