Secrete Letter From John Kuffour Intended For John Rawlings

His Excellency Mr. Abonsam (Raw-limbs) It is my greatest pleasure to inform you that the politically biased pro-NPP National Awards Committee has, in consultation with the Office of the President at the Slave Castle, nominated your person for a National Awards in the highest Category of the Grand Order of the Star and the Eagles.

This is a new category of Awards that I have created for the Presidency by the powers vested in me by the Constitution of Ghana. Please note that this new Award Category is meant for people who have legitimately ascended to, and occupied the Office of the President of the Republic of Ghana, and I intend to be the first sitting President of the Republic to receive it. I have nominated myself and I shall award myself through a lower subject in the person of that sexy-looking girl at the Supreme Court. Do you like it?

Dear Mr. Abonsam, let me add that personally, you are still the Abonsam I believe you are but as the saying goes, “the devil you know is better than the angel you don’t know” and “better approach a living dog than a dead lion”, my step to award you and your poodle stooge Prof. John E. Atta-Mills is to shore up my support for your National Devils Caucus party in order to curtail and nib right in the bud the frighteningly reactionary and vindictive ambitions of that Dwarf from Akyem. You can’t better understand my deepest desires right now in relations to the outcome of the December 7 2008 elections. This Akuffo-Addo guy has virtually succeeded in turning my presidency and Party into a real den of Narcotics Peddlers and Pimps.

You can’t imagine the comic scene he created when he came begging me indignantly to include him in the original list of Awards nominees. He argued that he needed to score a political point in order to win the elections. I had to clench my teeth to avoid bursting into a hysterical laughter at his chimp-looking skull in front of me. And his arrogance, better if you don’t mention it. But you see, these are family matters, so I couldn’t refuse him lest he sends our dirty sh*t-clad linen into the public square for washing.

There are so many things I’d like to discuss with you that border on National Security and Development but it will be better for you and I to meet secretly, all-alone and away from these toilet-fly types of gonzo journalists who would swarm around us if we make any mistake of sh***ing in public under their nose. About Tsatsu Tsikata, don’t worry at all about him. I’ll free him possibly before I step out of the Slave Castle, that is, if the Cocaine guy wins. But if he does not, I’ll leave Him for your cohort to worry about.

Now tell me, don’t you really think that the hawks around me have succeeded in nominating and courting me to accept some political bigots who parade themselves as lawyers and justices and judges to the High Courts and to the Supreme Court of the Land? That’s why, I think, the Judiciary under the Narcotics Peddlers and Pimps government has suffered and is still suffering from severe forms of diarrhoea and dysentery and needs some functional ‘bentua’ to purge their system when your cohorts form the next government.

To conclude here, I know you as well as your poodle stooge didn’t beg for the Awards as Akuffo-Addo did, but yet still, please write to me indicating you have accepted it and tell us what you have done for Mother Ghana to merit it. Politically and accusatively yours… Johan Adjei-kume Kuffour