I Wanna Be President!

This piece has been inspired by the daily announcements of names of people who have decided to run for the Presidency in 2008. Indeed, when I last checked, it seemed like the entire cabinet of President Kuffuor had put themselves up for his position, a clear two years before the man himself will exit. I have therefore proposed to some friends that it will save us a lot of money of we do not put individual names of the Cabinet up as candidates. I want to propose that the ballot box should read “The Cabinet”. In that case, we can guarantee that all of them will get a slice of whatever it is that is making them foist their friends’ on us a long way away from when the whistle blows for real action.

Okay, admit it. You have also been wondering what 'koraa' is there that is making all of them want that seat. I have wondered too. Friends of this, friends of that, enemies of who? I don’t really think I have got any convincing answers yet. All I know now is that there must be something fundamentally life-altering about that post. They make it seem like it is even better than accepting the Lord as your personal saviour. Oh, if you get that post, especially down south, where the announcement effectively truncates the citizen’s rights to question you, your destiny would change. If you don’t believe me, ask him! You will never, ever, be the same. Your wife, kids, friends, hangers on will never ever be the same. Even the stadium will be world-class. A gulf will immediately appear between you and poverty. Though no one holds control over life, you will guarantee yourself the best chance of living than any other citizen of the land and that goes for your family too. You and your family can go to the best hospitals in the world at our expense whilst we introduce new members of our society through the cold floors of Korle Bu. You are guaranteed free access to wherever you want to go, without the hassle of a visa, ticket, money palaver or even the traffic we get stuck in. The incentive is even accentuated by the fact that a spanking new palace is being built. Hei, if you don’t go for it now, daben?

So the NPP will have about 15 names. That will surely include Uncle Aliu, unless Ghana is not in Africa!!!! The NPP will settle for only one candidate as is the rule. I however predict that there is the potential for two or three disgruntled losers who would try to cause trouble. When you just think about what you are going to miss, well, there should be more than incentive to cause a few headaches for your party when you lose. Can you imagine missing out on a ticket to heaven?

Then there is the small question of the NDC. Well, the names have begun rolling in. They will get about eight names and settle for one. I really don’t expect too much wahala from their losers except for the temptation to check whether the ‘heavenly ticket’ will probably land close to the DFP. In that instance, expect, nay, don’t be surprised to see some make the transition. After all, there is only one way to heaven. If it is through DFP, why not? Then the others. Kofi Wayo and the rest will all give it a shot. Expect some diasporans to throw in their hats for good measure. The Presidency is the sweetest thing on offer down south. If you get it, Massa, you will never regret. You just ask him!

So sometimes I can’t help but tell my manager that I wan’ be President. Then I can become an “abodi fofro”, a.k.a. a new creature! I will try to solve some problems until I realize that no one really wants to solve the problems definitively. Then I lose my way and begin to enjoy the post. Mr. President! How sweet the name sounds! Anyone Ghanaian, whether in or out, whether legit or not, who tells you that they don’t want t5hat post is telling you a black lie!!! In Ghana, when you become President, we don’t hold you too much to your promises. You can then enjoy your post and attempt tackling some of the problems. Then you bugger off and let another person attempt top carry the cross!!!

My colleague in Zambia sent me an email when I begun having a discourse on this subject. It sets out the job specifications for the candidates for President. It’s so apt I have just re-jigged it a bit to suit our circumstances. I am offering it here as a guide to all the declared and potential candidates for President in 2008. If you meet the requirements, put in your application!

JOB SPECIFICATIONS FOR PRESIDENCY OF GHANA

ABOUT US:

We are an average size country set in the southern hemisphere of the beautiful African continent. We have spectacular tourist attractions and excellent tropical landscapes, boasting an abundance of natural and human resources. Recently we showed the whole world our mettle in soccer. Our flag is red, gold and green with a black star in the middle. Our premier President was Africa’s personality of the 20th century.

An exciting and challenging position has arisen for a National President to help spear-head and propel the nation's progress in the millennium and beyond...

THE CANDIDATE:

In line with previous holders of this position, you will have at least 4 names and be, ideally, of dubious nationality, suspect character and questionable academic qualifications, from any institution of your choice, even if you have no proof. We accept stories about lost certificates etc as proof of your academic qualifications.

You will be a natural formulator of wild and unworkable policies, working to double standards and the champion of some form of philosophy to declare upon the nation, preferably unexpectedly. You will have no regard for long term ventures, investment in infrastructure, manufacturing or trade. You will in addition, be the parent of rebellious children, with at least one exhibiting clear tendencies towards the use of firearms in public to gun down members of the public and law enforcement officers. There is an ample supply of citizens for this exercise. Transport and ammunition is also supplied.

QUALITIES:

With a natural flare for slogans and amassing wealth, you will also be an efficient collaborator with members of the governing team, handpicked by yourself, and ideally sharing some of your personal attributes mentioned above.

Should one or more of your policies accidentally lead to economic growth or political maturity, you will be expected to exercise corrective action. Evidence of sound economic sense may be a basis for disqualification and at the very least a disadvantage as are any clear departures from previous holders of this position.

REMUNERATION:

In return, the nation will reward you with chants of praise and unlimited media coverage and press conferences, with little comment on your acquisition of wealth or methods used. Public speeches may be of any duration and your talent at spreading propaganda will be considered an added bonus.

Your induction program includes sessions in parliament where you will be able to negotiate your own pay and terminal benefits. If time permits, matters of national interest may also be discussed. You will also be free to use the terms 'democracy/democratic' in any style of leadership you choose and at liberty to interpret them as you please.

Blame on previous leadership for any failures, will be acceptable for up to 20 years. You are free to declare states of emergency at any time and at liberty to close the nation's airports and institutes of learning at will.

The State shall provide the most lavishly decorated property as the residence for your leisure and recreation. A temple is available should the need for prayer arise, usually as a consequence of attempted military coups. Your attempted coup entitlement is commensurate with experience.

TERMS:

The contract is initially for a period of four years, but you will have full access to the constitution and will therefore be able to alter this period if required, or even the interpretation of "four years". In any event, only a maximum of two life presidencies is permissible. Extensions to this period must be preceded by a formal letter of application.

APPLICATIONS:

Candidates are expected to submit their applications by December 2007 in order to qualify for consideration.

Please send all applications to an address of your choice quoting reference: Pres/Gh/001/2k8.

Visionaries need not apply.