Feature Article of Monday, 19 November 2012

Columnist: Sarpong, Justice

The NDC Created 1.6 Million Jobs, This Is Where You Can Get One

President Mahama is campaigning to be elected as the President of Ghana based on the good record his NDC Party has achieved. One of the achievements he is campaigning on is that, his party created 1.6 million jobs. Where are these jobs since Ghanaians are walking the streets like zombies looking for these 1.6 million jobs. I sent my Investigative Reporters to the field to find out where these jobs are and for those looking for work, below are where the jobs are.

Breaking News!!!!

BALLOT BOX STEALING JOBS.100,000 PEOPLE NEEDED. This is a security Confidential jobs and must have an iron-clad NDC credentials. With moles running around, no chances will be taken. We have learnt our lessons from the Boateng Gyan episode and we are not going to take any chances. You have to be recommended for this job by two upstanding NDC officials not below the rank of Vice Chairman. There is a very good chance you might be killed so the pay scale is very good. AZORKA BOYS are urged to apply.If you are an upstanding citizen with good moral character like NPP foot soldiers, you need not apply, your application will be shredded.

These jobs can be had without filling a long application with strigent qualifications. All you need is to be an NDC member with a name difficult to pronounce. First names like Prosper, Edem, Courage and Wisdom are an advantage.If you are from the North and can prove that you had a free secondary school education, you need not apply because your education was inferior not the same like the ones your Southern counterparts had.These jobs are:

1. DEMONSTRATING JOBS-800,000: -Qualification: Young men and women with NDC destructive background able to consume a jorum of Akpeteshie and apio and strong hands to hurl shitbombs. Send Appliication to the Castle. Application deadline, December 07, 2012

2.SEIZING TOILET JOBS. 100,000- . Qualification. NDC background and ability to wield cutlass and other destructive missiles. Application should be sent and addressed to Koku Anyidoho at the Castle not later than December 07, 2012

3.SEIZING NHIS, NYEP offices JOBS-100,000 Qualification. This is the creme of the crop jobs so one should have at least a Middle School Leaving Certificate or a letter of drop-out from their JSS Headmaster. Application deadline: 12/07/2012

4.CAR STEALING JOBS-100,000. Must be an NDC registered member with an ability to drive and a Passport to drive across Ghana-Togo border. Contact Alex Segbefia at the Castle or phone Carl Wilson at his hideout, 024911-CAR JOBS. Application deadline: Till NDC is voted out of office.

5.SETTING FIRE JOBS-100,000 Must be as smart as a fox to elude authorities. Able to tell petrol from kerosene. Mostly night work with darkness as a companion. Training can be provided at Rawlings School of Torching buildings. Contact Murderer Rawlings or Yaa Beauty, aka Akwele Wang Yu, aka Yaa Konadu Agyeman Rawlings. Application deadline. ONGOING. Pays really good. Steal house contents before burning house.

6.RAPING&ARMED ROBBERY JOBS-200,000 Qualification- Young men with NDC background, ability to go many rounds with young women after robbing houses. Older men can be accepted if they can take Viagra or Cialis in large quantities. Contact Captain Mfodjoh of NDC at Parliament house or send your Application to Alan Bagbin or Doe Adjaho at Parliament house. You can also contact Alan Bagbin during Cabinet meetings Pays really well 'sexing' young women and keeping everything you can steal.

7.COCOA SMUGGLING JOBS-100,000 Qualifications- Must be an NDC member with working knowledge about Aflao. Citizens of Aflao are encouraged to apply. Knowledge of Togo languages are an advantage. Contact President Mahama at the Castle or beaver teeth Ablakwa Okudzeto at the Information Ministry. Ability to earn depends on how much cocoa sacks you can haul on your back. Pay is really good. You will be paid in pounds sterling since the smuggling company has given President Mahama cash in pounds sterling.

8.SEIZING MCE'S AND DCE'S-50,000 Qualification. SEE QUALIFICATIONS FOR Toilet seizing jobs. Send application to the Mr Newman at the Castle.

9.SEIZING LORRY PARK JOBS-25,000 SEE QUALIFICATIONS FOR Toilet seizing jobs. Send application to the Mr Newman at the Castle.

10.ADOMI BRIDGE TOLLING BOOTH JOBS-25,000 Qualification. Must be an NDC registered member from Asuogyaman constituency in Eastern Region. No qualification needed as long as you can breathe and remember what your name is. You must have a cargo pants with a lot of pockets to hide a load of coins. FOR ADOMI BRDIGE JOBS, VICTOR SMITH, NDC EASTERN REGIONAL MINISTER.

New jobs in the pipeline coming up are CHINCHINGA EATING ABILITY. All those who are very good at eating chin-chinga and sending their girl friends abroad with state money should start getting their RESUME(CV)ready. This will depend on the outcome of the elections on December 07, 2012.

There is a very good chance we will have a lot of jobs in SLAPPING so if you have big hands with razor sharp palms you stand a good chance of earning good money but this will depend on us winning the December 07, 2012. We have a lot of our political opponents(NPP) Supporters that will need a lot of slapping around. Good experience as a Machoman is an advantage. AZORKA BOYS are urged to apply. Prepare your RESUME(CV) to be sent to National Security Capo, GBEVLO LARTEY.

"Thursday, 15 April 2010 Chairman of the ruling National Democratic Congress (NDC) in the Asuogyaman constituency of the Eastern region, Love Joy Dusi, together with some of his executive members and NDC youth in the area, yesterday took over the toll booths at the popular Adomi Bridge at Atimpoku in a military fashion.

When DAILY GUIDE spoke to the constituency chairman, he said it was the district assembly which was taking over the running of the toll booths and as the chairman of the sub-committee on finance and administration at the assembly, he organized about 20 men from his party to take over. “We did not use any force. We just told the operators to leave the place because they are thieves and cannot be trusted,” According to him, the people working there were causing serious financial loss to the NDC government and needed to be booted out. “Monies being collected here are going into private pockets and we will not sit down to allow this to continue. The bridge is weak and the NDC government needs money to rehabilitate it so we are taking over to manage it properly”.

This is what we call job creation. You throw legitimate well qualified employees to the street and let your illiterate armed robbing Party foot soldiers to line their pockets with state money and it is called job creation, NDC style. Folks, we need to pray hard for 2012 to come and boot these armed robbers from office before they dismantle the country beyond repairs.

Justice Sarpong

Houston, Texas