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Opinions of Saturday, 16 October 2021

Columnist: Mawuli Zogbenu

Useless Column: 'You're not man enough if not caught yet'

Mawuli Zogbenu Mawuli Zogbenu

This my wife caught me yesterday again oo. Ei! I was just lucky she believed my lie. I got home late and while removing my boxer shorts, she saw tissue around my ‘this thing’.

I wanted to lie spontaneously and, yes I did. Surprised, she asked what the tissue was doing there and guess my response, as usual: ‘I want to change my religion so I am practising how to pray at the eyi so after urinating, I washed my ‘this thing’ and used tissue to wipe the water hence the remnants of the tissue’. Dasorrr! Heeeei! Though she doubted me, she had no reason but to believe my defence! If you don’t use your head, your body will suffer.

Ajeeeeeei! Let your wife catch you red-handed inside the ‘thing’. She would still insist: ‘don’t tell me it is true’. My friend, lie, just lie…it will not stress her but some of our wives don’t like the truth o. You keep going round preaching to couples that communication is key in every successful relationship. Yooo!

Go ahead and tell your wife: ‘Ablavi, my side chic said she needed money to do her hair and since I could not get her the money, she said she won’t give it to me again’. Give what to you? Abi it’s communication you want? Go ahead! hahaaa! It’s Fridayyyyy and we go booze tomorrow p333 especially when it is raining and there is water in abundance to drink.

‘The day you begin to see yourself as a hero in whatever you do, that will be the beginning of the end of whoever you think you are’. True or False, I have chosen ‘True’! This was one of the best advices I will never forget from the Veteran Actor and a former President of the Ghana Actors’ Guild, Uncle Fred Amugi! You don’t know Fred Amugi? Ah! In spite of all the great movies he’d featured in as a lead character, none beats my favourite in the mid 1990’s: ‘WHO KILLED NANCY?’

You remember that fim? One of the best Ghanaian movies ever, according to me o. I had the opportunity of becoming his friend about a decade ago and he pumped a lot of wisdom into this my coconut head. Make friends with the elderly o; they are able to see things you can never see even though you may appear taller than them in height!

Uncle, I had wanted to visit you last week but last week I went to write exam. Old age schooling no bi joke o. When studying that is when you receive a call that: ‘Daddy, prepaid is finished’, ‘Daddy, the corn dough you bought last week is about to get finished’, ‘Honey, looks like we need to change the fridge guard and I prefer soratek this time round’. How can one concentrate when all these come your way even though James 1:2 says ‘My brothers [sic] consider yourself fortunate when all kinds of trials come your’? It is difficult to be an ‘adult education’.

The reason I always advise the young ones to get at least a professional qualification before age 30! And it came to pass that I will pass. That exam bi that I wrote er, even if I will fail, the examiner will go through a lot of stress to mark my script. Garbage be what.

You see, examinations are a different thing altogether o unlike reading newspapers and being asked questions about what you read in the papers and you can answer but exams is serious business.

The most annoying part of any exams is when you chew baba and want to go and pour and then the definition that you’ve spent days or hours to cram forms part of the question that the examiner has put there. Ah! Ohhh for me the last time, I didn’t waste time at all. I still reproduced what he put there to define it. Chew and pour has never been easy. Ah why?

Another annoying one is when that student, usually one in a thick pair of spectacles would remind the lecturer about the submission of assignments.

Meanwhile, you are yet to start and praying for the lecturer to forget that the deadline is that day. They would remind the lecturer and put you the procrastinative one in trouble, for nothing. Ah!

Writing a difficult exams actually tells you that oh yes, you have to suffer to gain. All the points and acronyms vanish at some point. Everything jams up in your mind and only organize themselves back when the invigilator says ‘stop work, pens down’.

That is why I often organize my points in acronyms such as ‘MOTHER IN LORS PYJAMAS’ ‘DR MR MR PULPO, AEITA’ ‘ANTI SERWA, SHY NO’ with each letter here representing a major point that can guide you to answer questions well. It is a very effective tool for those of us old and semi old men who still want to go to school. Woe unto you if you forget one letter representing a major point.

It will only drop back in your mind as soon as you have handed over your answer sheet by that time, it’s too late. It is akin to the situation where that day in your marriage, you start contemplating to quit.

It signifies the day you have really qualified to be called a married person! You’ve never gotten to that point where you think you have some regret for getting married to that special one er? I guess you don’t like telling yourself the truth. You are probably yet to get married because that is the only way to build resistance before you take off. I dey lie, Sowavi? Hahahahahahaha!

So what led us to sleep soundly and early on Monday night of October 4, 2021? Who forced us? I just learnt one lesson; sometimes let’s stay away from our mobile phones and we would have some inner peace.

The brain and body would be busy during the day and in the night that we should be resting, wife is on whatsapp chatting, husband same and children are not left out. The brain becomes hotter as so much energy is needed to continue engaging ourselves with the ‘world’ chatting mostly about nothing especially those of us with ‘video calls’ in mind.

Don’t be tired of using the face masks because the virus is not tired of causing havoc o! The fact that you have not been tested does not mean you are negative o, yooo. Like senior man, HIV, everyone seems to have COVID; it is either one is positive or negative. Until you get tested you will never know.

Though not excited by it, it is rather unfortunate that some of my friends who got it and nearly died were those who never believed in the existence of COVID and gave it names like ‘Bra Coro’! Just wear your face masks religiously to protect others and yourself! Heytien! I just sneezed!