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Opinions of Sunday, 22 August 2021

Columnist: Mawuli Zogbenu

Useless Column: 'She wanted padlock'

Mawuli Zogbenu Mawuli Zogbenu

I was at a programme last month and buoy; the program was awesome because I sang a song and people fainted! Ao! Why is it that we always want to force people to say something nice about us when it is clear they have none? Does that not explain the reason we are mostly not told the truth because we want to hear what is nice?

There was an Obroni at the programme too. Being the ‘Useless’ MC, I ‘forced’ this whiteman to say something nice about Ghana and guess his response after hesitating for a while because he didn’t really know what to say: ‘I like your trees; they are standing’.

Seriously, this did not annoy me more than the fact that there was a spontaneous applause that followed his response and how I f**lishly climaxed it with ‘Halleluuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuyaaaaaaaaaaaaaa’. To start with, are trees not supposed to be standing? Ei! People!

Why is it that it is only in the church that first names become surnames? Pastor Dan, Pastor Kingsley, Pastor Ben, Pastor Kofi, Pastor Toffee, Pastor Mawuli. Ei, years back my landlord used to call me ‘Pastor Mawuli’. Hahahaha!

The biggest deceit ever experienced. I have just been laughing in my head anytime he did. Anyway, like I saw on social media recently, most of the men in the Bible don’t have surnames. What is David’s surname? What of Adam?

When I became a ‘born-again’ after having been a saint till I completed uni, anytime my girlfriend visited me, I would lock the door and the two of us would be in the room and I will be playing Beenie Man’s 1999 hit Gospel ‘Move to the right in the name of Jesus, move to the left in the name of the Lord’ and this I set on ‘Replay, Replay, Replay’ mode saaaaa.

By this deception, my landlord thought I was extremely pious hence my love for Gospel music. He didn’t know what I was moving from and into what. God forgive me oo because I didn’t know what I was doing. Now I know but still….
hahahahahaha! Something must kill a man.

Greetings o, Mr. Abubakar. I will sure visit Baatsona Tottal for the ticket for the show. Every serious event in Ghana without the ticket being sold at Baatsona Tottal is some kan way, anaa?

Accidents are shattering families and making them sorrowful o. Why can’t we be careful on the roads small? Looks like the more the education, the higher the numbers.

Weytin dey happen? I met this nice lady recently at the washing bay. Pretty young lady about 29 years who said her fiancé was going to buy pizza for her last year and died in an accident. That is over a year now and she has been continuously mourning him.

She is currently living in a rented apartment sponsored by the late fiancé and the rent is due for renewal in October for another 2 years at GHC500 per month. This is where I often lose interest instantly. Upon this information, I immediately blocked her on wassap and voice calls.

Two days ago, she managed to use a different line to call me. I responded nicely but she complained about my line not going through.

She wanted to see me after work; I agreed! On my way to her Awudome residence following her direction, I called to find out what she would like as gift from me. Her answer dazed me – padlock. All she wanted was a padlock. Padlock??? Hmmm.

I made a U-turn and my clutch got burnt and timing belt got torn. I am still finding it difficult to come to terms with what she wanted a padlock for. Don’t ask me why I didn’t find out from her.

It is safer that way or you don’t know? If some ladies tell you ‘Hmmm, I don’t know how I am going to solve this problem oo’, the biggest mistake any man can make at this point probably out of unnecessary care is to ask ‘what problem’? Hahaaaa! My brother, make no comment; just pretend you didn’t hear what she said, fake a phone call and run away. Chai!

That reminds me of some interesting character of a girl who chopped my money at Lashibi for 4 months without me ‘eating anything’. The day we agreed to ‘eat’, she said ‘Kotorkor is playing and so no show.

For four months, I put you on my payroll and give you GHC30 every month without withholding tax and you think it is small money? This same girl is the girl who ate my Chinese restaurant fried rice while I ate kenkey and pepper. Anytime she asked why I wasn’t eating fried rice, my excuse was that I wanted to avoid cholesterol. It’s a lie. Poverty ooo!

Foolishly enough, after eating she left the rice pack in my car before I drove home. My wife ‘accidentally’ saw it the following day! She asked me what a used pack with chicken bones was doing in my car seat under and I explained I was doing part time job at zoomlion hence collecting used packs has become my hobby. She believed me. Ei, this my wife er, she is very understanding o. God bless her and sustain her level of understanding!

All too soon, the 2020/21 national service year is coming to an end. It just reminds me of my service some 20 years ago when we organized a beach party. My friends knew very well I don’t drink alcohol and so made provision for fruit juice for me. It was poured in a glass and I just gulped it down. Less than a minute, the feeling became that of a super man. I could see the whole world under my feet. I got so excited I’d wanted to swim contrary to my principle of no swimming in the sea.

For a moment, I realized I was walking on only one leg. The other one became very heavy and I could barely move it. I started seeing everybody 2, 2, 2, in my eyes! I then saw them laughing at me. I then realized that they had mixed my fruit juice with gin.

Look, but for the hangover I had that night, I am sure by now, I would have been a drunkard from overindulgence. Whaaat! The feeling was good oo! I was so happy after that drink but in the night, headache be what! I vowed never to be telling people I don’t take in alcohol.

Don’t be telling your friends you don’t like their bad habits oo. Pretend you like everything; they will eventually notice your dislike and may stop their own bad ways. If you make them feel they are the morally corrupt ones and that you are the only holy one, they would find a way of making you one of their own.

I have quarreled with all my girlfriends this week with the intention to make up with them by January 10, 2017. Some of them are refusing to be offended la ah!

Remember, the best way to live is to make certain things useless! Pray for me to be more ‘stupid’ in the coming days or don’t greet me again. You think it is easy to be writing ‘useless’ articles? Hahaaaaaaaa!

May God protect us all, our families and friends because the rate at which even young people are ‘going’, only PRAYERS can help. Say Amen er….Hahahaha!