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Opinions of Wednesday, 7 February 2018

Columnist: Humour Mebob

Ace Ankomah finally succumbs to Dela Goldheart: a factual humourous commentary

It appears the renowned legal mogul, Ace Anan Ankomah, who was seriously rattled by Dela Goldheart over the weekend, finally got what the lady was saying. Yes, he got her. Totally!

HOW IT STARTED

Earlier last week, Ace Ankomah whilst giving some marriage tips got a little carried away and got a bit male chauvinistic and thus declared:
“A woman, even when she works (every woman must work, if she can)… she is in charge of everything else that has to do with the home. Yes, it is her kitchen, not mine. That’s why she chooses everything in there. My only space in the house is my basement.”

Then, in a typical alpha male tone, he pressed on:
“I expect dinner when I get home; and meals when I’m home. Just make sure the system I provided for produces and delivers the food”

“In the same vein, I don’t wash, clean, sweep, vacuum, dust or do any house work. I am ‘DADDY’. That is why I live in Ghana and not in the US.” He rested his case.

DELA GOLDHEART BROUGHT HERSELF

To be fair, he didn’t mention anybody’s name nor did he invite Dela Goldheart. But somehow, Dela brought herself in and “put her mouth inside DADDY’s matter.”

Dela thought that Ankomah may be a great lawyer but his thought on feminism was a dinosaur (very old and extinct). So she took her time to explore the flaws in his reasoning;

“I never thought I will say this about you but I guess career excellence and knowledge in law doesn’t make you exceptional when it comes to issues affecting women. You grew up in a patriarchal society. The system is designed to favour you. You had no education on gender equality when growing up. But you know what? That can be changed.”

She was so frustrated that the learned Ace Lawyer had no idea what MDG3 (PROMOTE GENDER EQUALITY AND EMPOWER WOMEN) was about. So, to the defense of women in general and his wife (the former Managing Director of Ecobank Gambia, who was called upon this year to become the Second Deputy Governor of Bank of Ghana – a big woman!) in particular, Dela jabbed:

“You have everything your wife has. I know you are smart enough to see that your wife doesn’t use her vagina to cook or order food. And when it comes to strength, you even have more. So if anyone should [come back from] work and cook, it should be you. And one more thing, the meaning of Daddy and Mommy as never been static. Those who improve the world understand change is one of the factors of progress.” She used the ‘V’ word, below belt.

THE PROVERBIAL 900 TONNE GORILLA

And that was it! Big DADDY, obviously never challenged by a woman, talk less of a small girl, got fire furious. It was time to put Dela (and woman) in her right place. Like a wounded lion on a hunt, (u’re surely gonna need a dictionary for this)
he roared…

“Dela Goldheart, it is poorly educated clowns with sawdust for brains like you who give feminism a bad name… When they teach you their experience in America, don’t be a clueless sponge of a lapdog to them. Think. Ask how this applies home.”
he chased…

“Are you stupid or just deranged?... Take your personal frustrations and bitterness with life elsewhere and get the heck off my page with your angry, rabid and misdirected feminism… You are a young woman with serious psyche issues.”
he pounced…

“You would be proud to be associated with my wife for just 5 minutes in your life. Twit!!” Maybe whilst they cook in the kitchen to server him in his basement.
he finished his kill…

Then he blocked Dela on facebook, together with anyone who dared disagree with him or chastised him. He ranted a bit more and thus bludgeoned every female on his page into submission. A few giving him excruciating praises and agonizing approval for his bravado. Satisfied, Big DADDY smiled and retired to bed. or rather his basement?

THE LYNCHING OF BIG DADDY

The Assaults…
Little did he know that danger was looming. Elsewhere at news sites where his muscular words were posted (and where his macho couldn’t help block those enlightened men and women who dared disagreed with him), rained spirit crushing comments.

“Mr. ankomah is less tolerant of critiques even when it is largely constructive. Like the proverbial 900 tonne gorilla, he creates a picture that he is beyond critique… The intellect arrogance is exceeding toxic limits and needs to be curbed, otherwise, your downfall is imminent. Such misguided arrogance would never survive in academia where eminent academic geniuses have been subject to criticism even from their past and current students. Sometimes, it is mind-boggling to understand this level of intolerance and arrogance.” (K. K. Mensah, swinging his club)

“Ace may have his rules as to how his wife should behave in bed. Guess it must just be how grandma was doing and how great grandma did. Well well. We all have our difficiencies. Nobody should pretend he has the power to answer all questions. No two couples will ever function in the same way.”(Lawyer David James, flashing his machete)

“Wasn’t aware vagina was a vulgar word. We must report it to GES and have them removed from all the biology textbooks. Can’t believe they’ve allowed such a dirty word to be taught to millions of students.” (Test, breaking taboo to use the ‘V’ word).

Big DADDY was clearly flat on his face but they keep striking, drawing blood with every hit. Some thought he was stack in the 1st century, some said he was too known, they called him monkey, others questioned the codes of conduct of his profession… Enough to make anybody repent!

The defenses…

Others rose, in capital letters, to the learned friend’s defense, hailing him, whilst shredding Dela into pieces.

“ACE GOOD JOB! GOOD JOB FOR SAYING AS IT SHOULD BE SAID.THOSE MEN WHO KEPT INSULTING ACE AND BEHAVING AS SIS (GIRLS) MUST SHUT UP! THE DUTY OF A MARRIED WOMAN IS THE KITCHEN! THE MAN IS THE HEAD OF THE FAMILY AND MUST BEHAVE AS SUCH. IF YOU’RE A AN AND COOKING FOR YOUR WIFE IN YOUR HOUSE THEN IT’S A VOLUNTARY SWAPING OF POSITIONS IN THAT YOUR HOSE. VERY SOOON YOU’LL HAVE TO CARRY HER TO BED GIRLY MAN.” (Eric, hollering in caps)

“This Dela Trashheart foolish homewrecker whatever needs proper training to wash her senseless brain and mind. Go learn from grandparents. YOU THINK EVERYTHING WERSTERN IS WORTHY OF EMULATION!” (Mamaud, ready for action)
“Get Away, you are an orangutan and a sea gherkin to call Ace a monkey. Stop copying blindly and be sensible. Usa and co are not the benchmark. For Ace and some of us our benchmark is the bible. A woman’s primary responsibility is exactly what Ace said. Get the heck outta here.” (Kk, to whoever said said monkey)

LIBATION AND SACRIFICE TO APPEASE THE GIRL, AND THE GODS.

Disappointing the mob…

They MOB raced to the basement of Ace Ankomah’s facebook page to finish him up. But they were all in for a big disappointment! To their dismay, as if somebody had just dragged Big Daddy from the basement into the kitchen and tied him in apron, Mr Ankomah’s subsequent Facebook posts were rather propitiatory sacrifices to Dela Goldheart, enlightened women and men and United Nations’s MDG3.

An Ancient sacrificial lamb…

Within 2 hours, He surprised the angry mob. In order to prove to them beyond reasonable doubt that hasn’t always ignorant about issues affecting women, he looked for a very old fat sacrificial lamb he’s kept since 2013 to post on facebook - a spicy extract from his book, #Rant:
“#Rant, page 99 – Marriage or Slavery

There is a cynical Akan Proverb that ‘when my money was not enough to buy a slave, I got married with it.’

“After doing this job for a while, I think that one main problem in marriages is the mentality of many of the creature called ‘MAN.’ Massa, if you want someone to cook, clean, scrub, wash, iron, take care of your babies, blah di blah, go and employ someone and pay for those services.

“And the only reason that you expect someone to do all that for you under the guise of ‘marriage,’ is simply because GOD made you physiologically different from her? That makes you superior, you think?... So Chief, Boss, Honourable, Massa, you have two options:

(i) Do that work with her, or

(ii) put your money oney where your alleged ‘manhood’ is, and hire a help!
Okay, I am done. Now let’s argue.”

The libation…

Per the rites of libation, he invoked an appellation to the ancestral spirit of Yaa Asatewa,

‘It is a fact that American women (strike that, white American women) only got the right to vote in 1921. Two full decades before that, a woman had led a war against a Superpower in what became known as Ghana.”

The confession…

Then, on his knees with palms clasped together, he laid out his supplications to the gods.

“I an activist, a reluctant one. Didn’t set out to be one. It kinda got thrusted on me by circumstances [Dela Goldheart, and the mob]. Pathetic. But I have learned that Activism isn’t just spouting and shouting slogans and being loud. That’s a part of it. But it is also about rolling your sleeves up and getting to work and showing tangible measureable results. If a person claims to be an activist for or of any course, ask to see what the person has Done or ACHIEVED [I, for one, wrote it long ago in my book] for the cause. We gotta know you by your fruits and not just your noise.”

The Declaration of faith…

Finally, bellowed to his old self and associates…
“We shouldn’t just refuse to be caught up in the senseless war of attrition between MISOGYNISTS [people who dislikes, despises, or are strongly prejudiced against women]… we must be equally hard on each of them [including myself] because they have no place here.”

BEDMATES…

And thus the big DADDY, the old misogynistic learned friend becomes a national feminist within a day… deeply in bed with the pragmatic feminist, Dela Goldheart… championing a cause so ‘modern’.