Feature Article of Thursday, 6 December 2012

Columnist: Yeboah, Kwame

An Open Letter To President Mills

- Kwame Yebaoh Writes

Dear Sir,

today marks exactly 133 days since you sadly left us to continue your distinguished service to your maker. We have seen videos and pictures of you ascending into heaven and we have no doubt in our minds that you are in safe hands. I admit that sitting on the right hand of God (where does Jesus sit now?) should be a very busy job, but I thought it necessary to update you on events following your departure. I hope I don’t take too much of your time. On the other hand, I am sure you are yearning to read something from your children. Since the previous letters, notably by James Agyenim Boateng was wrongly addressed to the ‘Asomdwe Park’ when indeed your permanent residential address according to the videos I have seen is in heaven. Anyway let me not bother you with side issues.

Upon your departure, as you may have been aware before your passing on, John Mahama was sworn in as president. I am sure you will struggle to recognize your little boy if you see him. He is all grown up. He flies around in your presidential jet and is even making plans to move to the dreaded Jubilee house -yes the house we all agreed to use as the presidential poultry farm, such a traitor. He has changed his name to JM, probably to compliment his contemporary, youthful, hip and ‘swaggish’ style of leadership. I have seen him exhibit some impeccable ‘Azonto’ steps on TV and I won’t be surprised if the resident pastor at the castle has been replaced with a resident DJ. On assuming power, he immediately bestowed on himself the title of ‘Ahobrasee Hene’ to wit, The humble King (just incase vernacular is not permitted in heaven). Knowing who you are, I know for a fact that ‘ Ahobreasee Hene’ is not a title you would have conferred on JM ( I hope you are getting used to the new name by now?) Not after you had complained to me about him (JM) taking advantage of your weakness (obviously due to ill health) to engage in scandalous judgment debts and other loan agreements including the airplanes and the Korea money.
Sir, as if that was not enough, he went further to declare your cherished henchmen- koku Anyidoho and Nii lantey, persona non grata at the castle. There have been recent rumors to the effect that they have both received their P45s.
I hope you remember Mr. Rawlings- yes that man who appointed you as his vice and went further to employ you as a ‘mortuary man’ at the 37 mortuary. He is now a very good friend of JM. Both men have exchanged very kind words. Mr. Rawlings especially has made very impressive comments about JM, words am sure you will have longed to hear even if in your dreams. But like you always told me- when men of common traits find a common enemy, they find a common ground to settle their common differences, albeit temporarily. If you ever thought your demise was going to alter Mr. Rawling’s feelings for you, then you are very wrong. I hope you have made time off your busy schedule to read his comments in your book of condolence. If you haven’t seen it, then maybe Anyidoho tore it off for groundnut. I hear he hasn’t been paid for a couple of months now.
Mr. Rawlings is having a field day in your absence. He recently branded your ‘hard working’ judgment debt managers as ‘babies with sharp teethes’. He has vowed to circumvent all modern day dentistry practices to remove those ‘evil’ teethes including availing them to a dirty punch from the trunk of the blue and white elephant. Quite naturally, it looks like Honorable Okudjato is the only one who may willingly have to subject himself to this rather crude operation.
I am sure you are aware that the general election is just a few days away. Events leading to this election have been quite unprecedented. I am sure you may have heard bits of Nana Addo’s innovative free SHS policy before passing on. Well that policy seems to have revolutionized our politics to a large extent and you should probably be counting your luck that you didn’t have to contend with it in 2008. As for JM and His vice, they seem to be all over the place trying to find an antidote to this ever popular campaign message. Am sure you are smiling at this point and reciting the words of Matthew 16:8- O ye men of little faith. I have no doubt that a simple wave of your hand on the campaign trail will have erased any gains ‘free shs’ may have made, from the minds of the electorates. I was there when you commanded the floods of Accra to vanish into thin air and I believe ‘free Shs’ will have suffered a similar fate. But quite obviously, JM cannot lay claim to such spiritual prowess. As things stand now, he is bound to regret all the Sunday school classes he never took serious.
When confronted with ‘free shs’, your party’s initial reaction was to say that it wasn’t possible. And when they realized that it was much more feasible than your ‘ONE time premium’ promise, they shamefully admitted that it was possible but only in 20 years. When that too hit the rocks, they repositioned their arguments to include quality and accessible education as more important than ‘free shs’. By this, they propose that the government builds more classrooms before free education is introduced. Yet this same JM and his people are going about sharing free laptops when we all know not all communities in Ghana have electricity. Don’t we need to provide electricity in all parts of the country before we provide free laptops too? Am certain it has become obvious to you that your people have no practical response to Nana Addo’s ‘free shs’.
Desperate times they say call for desperate measures. In their desperation, JM and his cohorts enlisted the help of a renowned political comedian Mr. Hassan Ayariga, aka Ayarigate. Mr. Ayariga is renowned for his ability to neutralize the effects of serious national issues through his unconventional brand of English and comedy. His services are said to be highly sought after in Africa and he is said to charge very exorbitant fees for his services. It is not surprising that his notable clients include President Mugabe, Laurent Gbagbo, Muammar Gaddafi and much recently the judgment debt purse wielding JM. As fate will have, on the day Ayarigate was supposed to perform his magic for the NDC, he could only manage a bunch of spurious coughs, much to the disgust of the nation and the disappointment of the NDC. Leaving the NDC scratching their heads looking for a ‘plan B’.
As usual, they had no choice but to fall on you ones again as their ‘plan B’. For a few days now they have started showing excerpts of your funeral on TV to mop up the few remaining sympathy votes that may remain. Sometime this week, they are billed to match to the ‘Asomdwe Park’ all in an attempt to gain sympathy votes from events surrounding your death. You were an honorable man and it’s unfortunate that your own people have decided to use your death to fuel their Machiavellian agenda.
When you were alive, you advised us to take our education seriously. You always used yourself as an example and told us how you could never have achieved what you did if not for education. On Friday, I will be doing what you would have advised me to do if you were alive- I will be voting for the future of thousands of kids who cannot access education due to poverty. And I know you will be smiling down on me from heaven. My only plea to you is, now that you have the privilege of sitting at the right hand of God, you will whisper into God’s ear to grant us a peaceful election and give Nana Addo divine expertise to implement his policy when he is sworn in as president come January 2013.
Your Nephew
Kwame Yeboah