I’m suspecting my wife

When you come back from work tired wanting to rest and your wife dumps your baby on your laps so that you would be singing unnecessary songs with no meanings and the child is extremely happy throwing himself or herself about, disturbing your peace bcos you are tired of singing, don’t ask your wife to come for the baby o; she would be angry.

Just pinch the baby small on the arm so when he or she starts crying, the mother will be compelled to come for him or her for breastfeeding.

Finish! If you don’t use your head, your body would suffer! Whort? Is it something you haven’t done before? Alakpator!

Did you know that everybody has HIV? Yes oo; we all do! The only difference is that while some are positive, some are negative! Go and know your status and be free from worry wai though it has never been easy going through the process of testing especially if you know ‘you have ridden a motorcycle without helmet or driven a car without a seatbelt’ in the past.

Ei, like joke like joke, today is exactly 10 years when my wife went for an HIV test while in school outside Accra and she called to tell me about it. Asked what the result was, though I was uncomfortable on the other side of the phone, she said the test result was NEGATIVE and I kept quiet. After hanging up, I was here in Accra alone jubilating as if the result was for me. God is good o. Haaaa!

Ei, so Busumurru, Africa’s ‘Morgan Freeman’ (K. Morgan) left us not too long ago and looks like we are almost forgetting about him o, hmmm! Me too I will want to be a diplomat someday o and when I die, you have to be remembering me every day!

The first time I heard the word ‘Diplomat’ was when my father used to send me to Mamavi’s mother’s drinking spot to buy him cigarette by the brand name ‘Diplomat’ so when I grew up and got the understanding that ‘Diplomat’ meant a biiiig international person or one who speaks softly and politely, I wondered if the cigarette was ‘polite’ on my father’s health.

I would not be surprised if it was lung cancer that killed my father leaving the family to suffer with our poor mum. Whatever you do, abeg, think about its consequences on you but more importantly think about the people you would leave behind o, yoo!

On December 31 st last year, I prayed to God to let me desist from ‘entertaining’ some women in my life and discourage me from admiring the ladies in town especially at Abeka Lapaz traffic lights in front of Las Palmas.

I like it when I am caught up in the traffic and I am the first in front when I see the ladies crossing the road in haste and the things that keep shaking behind them.

Awwww! Sometimes I wish the ‘red light’ stays a bit longer. It can be a sight to behold; very lovely and gives me hope for the future! Kw3333!

To my surprise, God seems to be answering those prayers. Now, when I see any nice girl in skirt, nothing motivates me to get closer. Sometimes if I take a bold step to advance too, the next moment, I lose interest. Last month after salaries were paid, I’d arranged with Ablavi and went to book a guest room for ‘special prayers’.

When the time was due and she called me, I wasn’t interested again. I switched my phone off. Ah what has come over me han? I am beginning to suspect my wife; she could be the one behind all these. She goes to church too much with anointing oil.

She likes praying for Holy Ghost fire to consume all ‘evil’ things in my life including eyi. Madam, I know I am not as prayerful as you but did I send you? Is it evil to allow enjoyment with eyi? Ah! Don’t you know if God answers those prayers and I am not getting anything to ‘eat’ again, I will fall sick?

Always praying against my small temporary enjoyment with those even though they bring me stress, mobile money wahala, and the fear of HIV! After all, how much do I give them mpo? Please allow me ooo, yoo.

Allow me to be wise like Solomon. Ei, is it not true that the more the women in your life, the wiser one becomes according to the Gospel according to Solomon?

Is it not true that behind every successful man is a woman? No further comments but I want to be more successful so…hahaaaai! Leave me alone o, wifee; your prayers are affecting my waist, ‘negatively’. Even the half clutch I suffer occasionally nowadays, I am sure is a result of your prayers but how come I get full clutch when I come home? Half clutch can make you ask some of the most useless questions ever whiles in the ‘useless-uselful’ act such as: ‘so was your father a good soldier’? Who told you Ablavi’s father is a soldier? To be frank, but for our wives, a lot of us men would have lost protection from Jehovah God long ago o; we are too bad.

Let’s cherish them and love them; abeg don’t try to understand them bcos you can’t. Our wives, please relax your prayers on us small ‘in this department’ so we can go out there and enjoy small bcos it adds up to the joy we bring back home. No be so? Ahan! Isaiah Chapter 4 says we should have seven women though now when you try, stress will kill you! It is the law that is restricting us with only one wife, failure which means you have committed a crime.

So we have devised our own ways and do it secretly so the law will not see! How for do!

I am not giving you bad advice o, Sammy, but if they send you to the battlefield, to come back dead or alive depends on you, finish! Don’t ask me any questions o, yoo.

Ei, everyone has a password o. Hmmm! Derick was already from a good home, no doubt about that. His dad was once the Director-General of a state institution and the mother, an MD of a textile manufacturing company.

At the time, my dad was a washman with swag. We attended the same schools through to the master’s level.

He wasn’t exactly my friend but somehow we found each other attending the same schools and doing the same courses.

He is a biiig man now. He has risen through the ranks and is now a Director in a big company. Talk of every bad thing and you are likely to find him linked to it.

From drinking to womanizing, he is a ‘brand ambassador’. Today, he travels around the world like a political drone. He is living well well, I tell you, Wiredu.

He is doing far better in life even though I was better than him in school. And so what? Hmmm!

The way the laws of Dubai work er, I shock sef. How I wish that happens in Ghana. I went to cross the road at a point where there was no zebra crossing. I entered a shop to buy something and before I knew it, two un-uniformed policemen just approached me that I was under arrest. For what offence?

They said I ignored the zebra crossing and crossed the road and for that matter, I was given two charges: 1: attempted suicide and 2: lack of common sense! I paid close to 300 cedi equivalence of their currency as fine. I challenged them with the fact that in my own country nobody cares if I cross the road at the wrong place and a car kills me.

They didn’t even laugh! Hmmmm! Clap for Ghana…kpa kpa kpakpakpa kpaaaaaa! Dericki? Drinking? Girling? Clubbing? ‘He do all’ but he is living well today.

So why should God keep blessing someone who is so immoral? We met just last week and in our conversation, he gave me a secret as to why almost everything seemed to be working for him – TITHING! He believed one tenth of his income belongs to God even if it meant his pastor is the one chopping it bcos to the best of his

knowledge, that money is for Jehovah God, not him (Derick). He added that he knows that God can take that job away from him and that 90% sef, he won’t get again so why not give God His 10%! Frankly, if anybody should be advising me on tithing, Derick was the last person to come to the fore of my thoughts. Whaaaaaat! Everyone has a ‘password’ o, yooo!

I don’t know how many of us will agree with him but according to him, failure to pay tithe amounts to ‘restricting oneself to God’s favour’ – you do yourself a lot of disfavor by not paying your tithes.

Surprisingly he did not advise me to start paying tithe but all he said was that, if I think I am comfortable with life ‘THIS WAY’, so be it! But if I think I deserve more including better health, I should not joke with my first fruits! Hmmmm! Or I should start paying so that when the favour of the Lord is abundant upon me, then I stop? Please let someone advise me.

Eish! Counting money piapiapia to pay tithe paaaa go hard o. I will try but my problem is ten percent of what? Gross, net (less loan deductions), or what exactly? Please somebody should educate me.

Can’t I just pay say GHC300 to the church once in a while as aforli3 instead of a whooping GHC…. for pastor to chop? Shame, you want to know how much I earn er, hahahahaaaa! For a clue, I am taxed at least 35% on my income. Now the witches and wizards in my village have an idea how much I earn and would soon start appearing in my dreams asking for their share whilst holding an axe in the air on my head!

Happy weekend to everyone but let’s all love our wives bcos they intercede on our behalf, big time. Let’s appreciate them because ‘whatever you don’t appreciate, depreciates! Halleluya? If you won’t say Amen, be there er! Hahaaaa!