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"Ghana" Jokes

Kofi hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Abena, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

Kofi said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, Kofi!" Abena said.

The next day, Abena ran into one of Kofi's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "Kofi won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Abena."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

...........
At the funeral of a cardiologist, his coffin was heart-shaped. A colleague doctor present started laughing which startled all the mourners. When asked why, he said. "I am thinking of the shape of my own coffin because I am a gynaecologist".

..........
A young, beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling like expensive perfume. She turns to an old woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"

Another young, beautiful woman gets onto the elevator and also smells of very expensive perfume. She arrogantly turns to the old woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 dollars an ounce!"

About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both of the women in the eyes, turns around, bends over, farts and says, "Broccoli, 49 cents a pound!"

Two "Efuom" guys were taking their first train trip to Accra. A vendor came down the corridor selling ice cream which they'd never seen before. Each bought one.

The first one eagerly took a bite just as the train went into a tunnel.

When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his friend and said,

"I wouldn't eat that if I were you."

"Why not?"

"I took one bite and went blind for half a minute."

Oga, water Please

I did not come to England to take pictures of Big Ben or tour London Bridge. I just wanted to get paid and get even with those colonials. With a name like Ogundele Kayode Omobrukutu, I could not even buy a bus pass let alone open a bank account. This is my story....

It took me 6 months to study the system, but I still could not figure out my squares and circus's. I could not travel from Leicester Circus to Oxford Square without getting lost. I was a YMCA (Young Money Chasing African) when I joined the FRAUD (Fine Rich Africans United in Deals). It took me 3 months to attain my ACCA (Advanced Certificate for Criminal Africans) and I needed an MBA (Major Bank Account) to do my first HND (Heavy Nigerian Deal). I arranged to meet this guy at Animal and Something, I mean Elephant and Castle. We were suppose to meet at 10.00am. I got there at 11.30am and he turned up at 1.30pm. He pulled up in a Mercedes 500SL with a private number plate - 419 ADE. He was a definite Nigerian, he had it all - leather jacket in summer, air condition on full blast with his roof and windows down whilst smoking cigar and choking on his smoke just to impress me.

Being a fellow Nigerian I was more than impressed. He introduced himself as Adepujo Kunle Babatunde and asked me to call him Ade or Babs. He spoke with a strong Nigerian accent but he messed the whole language up by slanging - he sounded like a Canadian born Chinese living in Germany and studying French. I had not been in the country for long but I could tell that Omo(my man) was trying hard to be British. After hanging with Ade for about 2 months I became an OBE (Opportunist Bank Employee) and specialised in BBC (Breaking Bank Codes). Money was flowing and I wanted more so I did my PhD (Passport Handling Degree) and became an FBI (Fraudster Bringing Immigrants). My status changed drastically...., I had a BMW 328is convertible and a Porsche 911 with a private plate - 911 OMO and living in a council flat and signing on.

I went to Moonlighting every Friday and drank champagne and danced to music supplied by DJ Pace and Skills. I became foolish - I remember one night I spent over a 1000 pounds on just champagne at the club and had no money for petrol so I walked home. My downfall.... Greed and selfishness inevitably led to my downfall - I got involved with a CIA (Cash Investing Agent) and we did a couple of GMTs (Good Money Transfers) but he later turned out to be a CID (Cop in Disguise). I was under surveillance and I did not even know. I left the NHS (Nigerian Housing Scheme) early that morning with about 12 different cheque books to go and do my business. They followed me unto the high road and it was then it hit me that something was wrong. I could not leave all that evidence in my car so I started chewing my cheque books. I ate 8 before they pulled me over.

They read me my rights and all that crap and all I could say was - OGA, water please!

Kofi and his wife Adjoa live in USA. Kofi asks his wife, what she wants for their 40th wedding anniversary.

"Would you like a diamond ring?" he asks.

"Not really," says Adjoa.

"Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?" says Kofi.

"No," she responds.

"What about a new home in Ghana?" he suggests.

She again rejects his offer with a "No thanks."

"Well, what would you like for your anniversary?" Kofi asks.

"Kofi, I'd like a divorce," answers Adjoa.

"Sorry, I wasn't planning to spend that much," says Adjoa.

An Ashanti and Fante were asked to combine a sentence with the words: Green, Yellow, and Pink.

The Fante lady wrote: "On Sunday I bought PINK roses, set them in a GREEN vase, and let the rays of the YELLOW sun look down on it."

The Ashanti lady wrote: "Every time I hear my mobile ring GREEN, GREEN, I PINK it up and say YELLOW?"

Letter From Angry Girl To Her Boyfriend

Dear my dearest,
This is your girlfriend calling you from Besease town. Before I go on, how is your air condition? When you come to eat your holiday vacation you do something I don't like at all. You take another girlfriendship and so it pains me.

The first time you see me you say I beautiful than all the girls in Besease town but I hear people say you say I no beautiful. If I no beautiful I wont say anything. I will give all to God and God will eat my case for me. Even when you came to eat your holiday vacation and it is raining you pass through the rain and come and stand by my window place and call me. And do you think what you have done if I throw you medicine it won't hit you? It will hit you only I am a christianity so I won't throw you. Now I get a new boyfriendship and he do work in aeroplane.

Even you the first time I love you frindship you say you will give me this you will give me that and so you thinking the secondary school you go I can't go some. I can go some. I can go some. You say I no beautiful, I and you who is beautiful? Your face like a goat. Because of what you have done, God will beat you with a stick and eat my case for me. When you come to Besease I will show you wise. Apiiitor.

Your girlfriendship.
Aggie

March Sixth

Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is."

"Of course I do," he indignantly answered, going out the door to the office.

At 10 AM, the doorbell rang, and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home . "First the flowers, then the chocolates, and then the dress!" she exclaimed. "I've never had a more wonderful 'Independence Day' in all my life!"

LOUSY WOMEN DRIVERS

Driving to the office this morning on the Accra-Tema Motoway, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Mustang doing 65 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner! I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that damn makeup!!!

Well I'm a man but this sight scared me so badly, I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coco (poridge) between my legs, splashed and burned me in a sensitive spot, ruined the damn phone and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL!!!!!!!
LOUSY WOMEN DRIVERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The District Attorney stared at the jury, unable to believe its verdict.

Bitterly he asked, "What possible excuse could you have for acquitting this man?"

The foreman answered, "Insanity."

The D.A. said, "All twelve of you?"

A man was wandering in the woods, pondering all the mysteries of life and his own personal problems. The man couldn't find the answers, so he sought help from God.

"God? You there, God?"
"Yes. What is it, my son?"

"Mind if I put a few questions to you God?"
"Go ahead, my son, anything."

"God, what is a million years to you?"
God answered, "A million years to me is only a second."

The man asked, "God, what is a million dollars worth to you?"
God replied, "A million dollars to me is worth only a penny."

The man lifted his eyebrows and asked his final question. "God, can I have a penny?"
God answered, "Sure, give me a second."

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.

While crossing the street on her way home, shewas killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

God replied, "I didn't recognise you."

Old Aunt Dora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her constipation.
"It's terrible," she said, "I haven't moved my bowels in a week."
"I see. Have you done anything about it?" asked the doctor.
"Naturally," she replied, "I sit in the bathroom for a half- hour in the morning and again at night."
"No," the doctor said, "I mean do you take anything?"
"Naturally," she answered, "I take a book."

A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber- type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600.

The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!"

The plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said, "Neither did I when I was a doctor."

I was nervous the night my husband and I brought our three young sons to an upscale restaurant for the first time. My husband ordered a bottle of wine with the meal. When the server brought it, our children became quiet as she began the ritual uncorking. She poured a small amount for me to taste, and then our six-year-old piped up,
"Mom usually drinks a lot more than that!"

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colours: green, red, pink, blue, yellow, purple. The old man just stared.
The young man said, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?
The old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

"What's the usual tip?" a man growled when, yaw, a university student delivered his pizza.
"Well," Yaw replied, "this is my first delivery, but the other guys said that if I got a quarter out of you, I'd be doing great."
"Is that so?" grunted the man. "In that case, here's twenty dollars."
"Thanks," Yaw said, "I'll put it in my college fund."
"By the way, what are you studying?" inquired the man.
Yaw replied, "Applied psychology."

..." My 3 year old son put his shoes on by himself. I noticed that they were on backwards.

I said, "Son, your shoes are on the wrong feet."

He looked up at me with a raised brow and said " Don't kid me Mom, I KNOW they're my feet!"

A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted".
Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."

A building contractor was being paid by the week for a job that was likely to stretch over several months. He approached the owner of the property and held up the check he'd been given. "This is 20,000 cedis less than we agreed on," he said.

"I know," the owner said, "But last week I overpaid you 20,000 cedis, and you never complained."

The contractor said, "Well, I don't mind an occasional mistake. But when it gets to be a habit, I feel I have to call it to your attention."

"Take a bunch of flowers home for your wife, sir," urged the street vendor.
"I haven't got a wife," replied the young man.
"Then buy a bunch for your sweetheart."
"I don't have a sweetheart, either."
"Well then, buy a couple of bunches to celebrate your luck."

A lady came to the Kole Bu teaching hospital to visit a friend. She had not been in a at hospital for several years and felt uneasy, not knowing about all the new technology. A technician followed her onto the elevator, wheeling a large, intimidating looking machine with tubes and wires and dials.

"Boy, would I hate to be hooked up to that thing," she said.

"So would I," replied the technician. "It's a floor-cleaning machine."

It's just a cold," the doctor said. "There is no cure, and you'll just have to live with it until it goes away."

"But Doctor," the patient whined, "it's making me so miserable."

The doctor rolled his eyes toward the ceiling. Then he said, "Look, go home andtake a hot bath. Then put a bathing suit on and run around the block three or four times."

"What!" the patient exclaimed. "I'll get pneumonia!"

"We have a cure for pneumonia," the doctor said.

Giving a man his physical, a doctor noticed several dark, ugly bruises on his shins, so he asked, "Do you play hockey, soccer, or any physical sport?"

"Not at all. I just play ludo with my wife."

T wo couples were playing cards. Kojo accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Yaw's wife wasn't wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Kojo hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, Kojo went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Yaw's wife followed him and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"

Kojo admitted that, well, yes, he did.

She said, "You can have it, but it will cost you $100."

After a minute or two, Kojo indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Yaw works Friday afternoons and Kojo doesn't, Kojo should come to her house around 2:00 pm on Friday.

Friday came and Kojo went to her house at 2:00 pm. After paying her $100 they went to the bedroom, had sex and then Kojo left. Yaw came home about 6:00 pm. He asked his wife, "Did Kojo come by this afternoon?"

Reluctantly, she replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes."

Next Yaw asked, "Did Kojo give you $100?"

She thinks, "Oh hell, he knows!" Finally she says, "Well, yes... he did give me $100."

"Good," Yaw says. "Kojo came by the office this morning and borrowed $100 from me. He said that he would stop by our house on his way home and pay me back."

"A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well. The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills.

The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water."

Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, "My goodness, doc, exactly what's my problem?"

Doctor says, "You're not drinking enough water."

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court. But the custody of their children posed a problem. The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children. The judge asked for his side of the story too. After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied: "Judge, when I put a dollar into a vending machine, and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?"

Don't laugh, but the man won !

The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped, exhausted. His concerned wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a consoling word.
"My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?"
"It was terrible," her husband said, "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."

The minister of state was scheduled to speak at an important convention so he asked one of his employees, Agyapong, to write him a punch, 20-minute speech. When the minister returned from the big event, he was furious.

"What's the idea of writing me an hour-long speech?", he demanded. "Half the audience walked out before I finished." Agyapong was baffled. "I wrote you a 20-minute speech," he replied. "I also gave you the two extra copies you asked for."

Seems this suburban guy left for work on Sept. 11 at about 6:00AM to go to his office in the WTC. When he got to Manhattan he went to his lover's apartment in the Village, turned his cell phone off, and climbed into bed with her.

At about 10:00AM, while still lying next to her, he turned his cell phone on, and a second later it rang. He answered, and it was his wife who screamed at him,
"Where are you? I've been trying to call you for an hour. I've been worried sick about you!!!"
So he answered, "Where do you think I am? I'm in my office!!!"

A nun asked her class, "What part of the body goes into heaven first?"

A little girl raises her hand and says, "I know, I know, the top of your head." The nun asks, "Why do you say that?"
The little girl says, "Because when you die, you go straight up, and the top of your head goes in first!"

The nun replies, "That makes sense, anyone else?"
Another little girl says, "I know, I know, the tips of your fingers."
The nun asks, "Why the tips of your fingers?"
The little girl replies, "Because when you put your hands together to pray, the tips of your fingers go into heaven first!"

The nun says, "OK, anyone else?"
Little Johnny is in the back waving his hand.
The nun says, "OK, Johnny, please tell us what part of the body goes into heaven first?"
"Your feet! Your feet do, for sure!" yells Johnny.
The nun, puzzled, asks, "Why do you think your feet get to heaven first?" "Because I was walking past my parents' bedroom last night, and my mom was in there, and she had both her feet sticking straight up in the air, and she was yelling 'Oh God, I'm coming. Oh God, I'm coming!' and if my Dad hadn't been holding her down, I think she would have gone!"

The tired doctor was awakened by a phone call in the middle of the night.

"Please, you have to come right over," pleaded the distraught young mother. "My child has swallowed a contraceptive." The physician dressed quickly, but before he could get out the door, the phone rang again.

"You don't have to come over after all," the woman said with a sigh of relief. "My husband just found another one."

A young businessman had just started his own firm in central Accra. He'd rented a beautiful office and had it expensively furnished. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear busy, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.

Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"

The man said, "Sure. I've come to install the phone!"

A football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play."

The player agreed, so coach looked into his eyes intently and asked, "Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this. What is two plus two?"

The player thought for a moment and then answered, "4?"

"Did you say 4?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he had got it right.

Suddenly all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance!"

The link to the Rockanjeschool is changed in www.rockanjeschool.com. Do i register again or can you change this adres for me.

Mr Penis' Complaint

Dear management,
I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

Best Regards,
Mr Penis

Dear Penis,
After assessing you request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

Sincerely,
The Management

The Brain

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain." The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?" The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and so to the entire group said, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."

Ghana Police

A man was going around 1.00am alone in his car and got to a checkpoint.

The police man stopped him and asked for everything which he gave out. The police had nothing to ask again, in order to charge him, guess what the police man said;

"I charge you for driving alone at this time of the day, if you come get accident now who go tell your people ?"

The man replied: I'm not alone, Jesus Christ is with me here, Angel Gabriel, Angel Rapheal, Angel Micheal and five angels are with me here.

The police man said: "All these people inside this your small car ? I charge you for overloading.

The man replied: Massa, they are just here in spirit

"Spirit? Apeteshie or Pito? I now charge you with Driving Under the influence and overloading."

Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel director's office. "What is the meaning of this?" the director asked. "When you applied for this job, you told us you had five years experience. Now we discovered this is the first job you've ever held."

"Well," the young man replied, "in your advertisement you said you wanted somebody with imagination."

!!!

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.

Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to GOD Ghana, they decided to send it to President Kufuor.

The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.

President Kufuor thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to GOD, which read:

Dear GOD,
Thank you very much for sending the money but, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through the Castle in Accra and, as usual, those jerks deducted $95.00..

Will the Real Dummy Please Stand Up?!

Los Angeles Police lucked out with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit- of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around," said a police spokesman, "with an explosion taking place inside his pants." Police have the man's charred trousers in custody.

A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"

In Modesto, CA, A man was arrested for trying to hold up a bank without a weapon. He used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. Wonder what he uses for a knife?

Statues

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most." He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.

After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left." "Would you care to do it again?" he asks her. "Shall we?" She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down, and you shit on its head."

At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth" even when you don't know anything.

The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at the front door he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms and says, "Then come give your FATHER a big hug."

A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights broken and considerable damage. There's no sign of the offending vehicle but he's relieved to see that there's a note stuck under the windshield wiper.

"Sorry. I just backed into your Beemer. The witnesses who saw the accident are nodding and smiling at me because they think I'm leaving my name, address and other particulars. But I'm not."

Lawyers!!!

Reported in the Nairobi Bar Association Lawyers monthly Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by lawyers during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:

1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"

3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"

4. "Were you alone or by yourself?"

5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?" 6

. "Did he kill you?"

7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?" 9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"

10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"

11. Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"

12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

13. Q: "Mr. Kimani, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: "I went to Europe, sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"

14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by whose death was it terminated?"

15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male or female?"

16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a exposition notice which I sent to your lawyer?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."

17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."

18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
A: "Oral."

19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m."
Q: "And Mr. Mbogori was dead at the time?"
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."

20. Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval."

21. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood."

????

When a guy's printer type began to grow faint, he called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job himself.

Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"

"Actually, it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."

A woman offered a brand-new car for sale for a price of ten dollars. A man answered the ad, but he was slightly skeptical. "What's the gimmick?" he inquired. "No gimmick," the woman answered. "My husband died, and in his will he asked that the car be sold and the money go to his secretary.

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his check up, the doctor called his wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very serious disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband can die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch, fix him a nutritious meal. For dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your stress; this will probably make him feel worse. And most importantly, you must be intimate with your husband every day of the week. If you can do this for at least 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say to you?"

"You're going to die."

A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."

The mother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?"

"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

A guy goes to visit his grandmother and he brings his friend with him.

While he's talking to his grandmother, his friend starts eating the peanuts on the coffee table, and finished them off.

As they're leaving, his friend says to his grandmother, "Thanks for the peanuts."

She says, "Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off them."

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT what kind of a salary he was looking for.
"In the neighborhood of $140,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
"Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years...say, a red Corvette?"
"Wow! Are you kidding?"
"Yeah, but you started it."

One day, the phone rang, and a little boy answered.
"May I speak to your parents?"
"They're busy."
"Oh. Is anybody else there?"
"The police."
"Can I speak to them?"
"They're busy."
"Oh. Is anybody else there?"
"The firemen."
"Can I speak to them?"
"They're busy."
"So let me get this straight -- your parents, the police, and the firemen are there, but they're all busy? What are they doing?"
"Looking for me."

????

Two football players, Bubba and Tiny, were taking an important exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the big game the following week. The exam was "fill in the blank" and the last question read, "Old MacDonald had a_____." Bubba was stumped -- he had no idea what to answer, but he knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed.

Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny in the shoulder. "Tiny, what's the answer to the last question?" Tiny laughed, then looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed. He turned to Bubba and said, "Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows that Old MacDonald had a FARM."
"Oh yeah," said Bubba, "I remember now." he picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. Then he stopped. Tapping Tiny on the shoulder, he whispered,
"Tiny, how do you spell farm?"
"You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy," hissed Tiny, "farm is spelled 'E-I-E-I-O'."

Archeological Discoveries!

German scientists dug 50 meters underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that 25,000 years ago ancient Germans had a nationwide telephone network.

Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 meters down, they found small pieces of glass, and they soon announced that the ancient Britons 35,000 years ago already had a nationwide fiber Optic network.

Nigerian scientists were outraged. They dug 50, 100 and 200 meters underground, but found absolutely nothing... Then they concluded that the ancient Nigerians 55,000 years ago ...must have had cellular telephones.? Na true talk !

Sitting on the porch

A man came walking up to the house when he noticed his GrandFather sitting on the porch in the rocking chair with nothing on from the waist down.

"Grampa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

"Grampa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, "well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck....This is your Gramma's idea."

Like Father Like Son

Little Kojo comes home from school at the end of the term with his report card. His grades were abysmal -- all D's and F's.

When his parents start lecturing him, Kojo explains, "Everyone in class did poorly. Not just me."

"But what about Kwesi down the street?" they asked. "He brought home all A's and B's" "

Well Kwesi is different." Kojo retorted.

"How so?" his father asked.

"'Cuz his parents are smart!"

The First Affair

There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful teen-aged daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
After months of trying, the Wife became pregnant and sure enough, nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered." Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"

The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."

Finally

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blond replies....."Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Finally, a smart blonde.

Hungry and Broke

(Source: Unknown, but I know I've seen variations of this)
There were three men living together in London. An Afro-American, a West Indian and a Nigerian. They were all starving because they didn't have money to buy food. However upon coming close to a posh London restaurant in this classy neighbourhood, they decided to come up with a plan.

The Afro-American went in first. After being seated, he ordered a three course meal with white wine. When he had finished the meal, the waiter came by with the bill.
"LISTEN MY MAN, I ALREADY PAID YOU!" - the Afro-American shouted! The waiter was very confused because he could not remember being paid. But because he did not want to cause any trouble...he let the brother leave.

Five minutes later, the West Indian walked into the same restaurant and ordered a five course meal with red wine. When he was finished eating, the waiter came by to collect the money for the food. "HEY, HEY, LOOK AT ME CROSSES. BUT AH PAID YOU ALREADY!" - the West Indian shouted. This time the manager came and had to calm down the West Indian, because he did not want anything to upset the other customers. He let the guy go.

Ten minutes later, the Nigerian walked in. And you know how we are. He sat down. Lit up a cigarette, and ordered the most expensive meal on the menu, plus two bottles of Guinness. After he had finished, the waiter came to collect the money for the meal, But before the Nigerian could say anything, the waiter spoke to him .
"Sir...I have been having all sorts of problems all day and I can't understand it. Two other people like you came in earlier and ate, and they say that they paid me but I don't remember getting any money from them so...."
Before he could finish, the Nigerian interrupted, rather emphatically, "OGA I SORRY FOR YOU OOOO. BUT DAT NA YOUR PROBLEM. I JUST WANT YOU TO GIVE ME MY CHANGE!!"

Mr Nkansah walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer.

After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer. This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him, "Why do you keep looking in your pocket?"

MR Nkansah replies, "I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I'll go home."

A married couple trying to live up to a snobbish lifestyle went to a party. The conversation turned to Mozart. "Absolutely brilliant, magnificent, a genius!"

The woman, wanting to join in the conversation, remarked casually, "Ah, Mozart. You're so right. I love him. Only this morning I saw him getting on the No. 5 bus going to Coney Island."

There was a sudden hush, and everyone looked at her. Her husband was mortified. He pulled her away and whispered, "We're leaving right now. Get your coat and let's get out of here."

As they drove home, he kept muttering to himself. Finally his wife turned to him. "You're angry about something."

"Oh really? You noticed?" he sneered. "I've never been so embarrassed in my life! You saw Mozart take the No. 5 bus to Coney Island? You idiot! Don't you know the No. 5 bus doesn't go out to Coney Island?"

? A lady about seven months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. Then on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing.

She complained to the driver and had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself.

The man replied: "Well, your Honor, it was like this, When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help notice her condition. She sat under an advertising sign that said "The Double Mint Twins are coming" and I had to smile.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said "Slogan's Liniment will reduce the swelling" and I had to grin.

Then she placed herself under a sign that said "William's Big Stick Did the Trick" and I could hardly control myself.

BUT....when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident" I laughed out loud.

"CASE DISMISSED" said the Judge.

? Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an "F" in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father.
"The teacher asked "How much is 2x3" I said "6."
"But that's right!" "Then she asked me "How much is 3x2?"
"What's the f**king difference?" says father.
"That's what I said!" Three lawyers and three engineers Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets but are amazed to see that the three engineers only buy a single ticket. "How are all three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the lawyers.

"Just watch and you'll see," answered an engineer. They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats. All three engineers, however, cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea: cunning, devious, sinister and downright lawyerly. So after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip. Hey, if a bunch of engineers can run this scam, why not some sharp lawyers, they thought?

When the lawyers get to the train station, they buy a single ticket for their return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't even buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed lawyer."Just watch and you'll see" says an engineer.

When they board the train the three lawyers immediately cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. As soon as the train is underway and has cleared the station, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding.
Ticket, please."

Shortie The psychiatrist was holding a group consultation with three young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions,"
To the first one, he said, "Your obsession is eating sweets, Why you've even named your daughter Candy."

The second, he said, was obsessed by money "Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

At this point, the third mother arose and, taking her little boy by the hand, whispered, "Let's go, Dick."
I like your thinking
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on Little Kwesi. He replies, "None, they all fly away with the first gun shot." The teacher replies "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking." Then Little Kwesi says "I have a question for YOU.

Logical Thinking

There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is MARRIED?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone"

To which Little Kwesi replied, "The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking!"

HIV Injection

Four Ghanaians were on death row for a very serious felony offense. They were given four types of the death penalty options to choose from: electric chair, firing squad, hanging, and HIV INJECTION.

On the fateful day, the 4 Ghanaians went straight to the Executioner to get killed. The Ewe man chose the electric chair; and boom he was gone! The Ga man chose the firing squad. A shot was fired, and boom he was gone. The Fante man was lifted by the Executioner and boom he was gone!

Asante man walked confidently to the Executioner and selected the HIV INJECTION option. They inject a bottle of the deadly virus into his veins. And off he goes! He walks confidently to his cell and tell his cell mates, pointing at the Executioner: "Nkwaseafuor, wommo nnim seh meshe condom!"

Getting the right message to the right person......

An Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida was planning to meet his wife, who was on a business trip, the following day.

When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had just passed away only the day before.

When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this on the screen:

Dearest wife,
Just got checked in. Everything is prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Your loving husband.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.

"WE ALL KNOW THE LAW"

An ex-convict was caught stealing a goat.He was arrested and placed in police custody.After spending a couple of days in the cells,he was send to court to defend himself.At the end of the day the judge sentenced the guy to two years in prisonment with hard labour.The ex-convict stood up and screamed on top of his voice in the local dialect,"yen nyinaa nnim mmra no,se wo wia akoko a,eye 3 months,se wo wia odwan nso a eye 5 months ena nantwee nso ye 1 year,na se ma wia odwan a wo se me nkom 2 years."Meaning if one steals foul he is suppose to be jailed for 3 months,if someone steals goat he is suppose to be sentenced to 5 months,and if someone also steals cow he is suppose to be sentenced to 1 year,and he just stole goat and you want him to be sentenced to 2 years,he is not doing it,because he also knows the law.

---B A F F O U R (NEW YORK -THE BRONX)

Bad day?

There was this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. He didn't move for a half-an-hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver stepped up right next to him, took the drink from the guy, and just drank it all down.
The poor man started crying. The truck driver turned and said: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."
"No, it's not that. Today is the worst day of my life. First, I overslept and was late for an important meeting. My boss became outraged and then fired me.
When I left the building to my car, I found out that it was stolen. The police said they could do nothing.
I then got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my whole wallet in the cab. I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I left home depressed and came to this bar. And now, when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, YOU show up and drink my poison ..."

Childbirth

A couple went to the hospital to have "their" baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer, [by kinetic energy?] a portion of the mother's labor pain to the FATHER. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.

Listen Carefully

An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?" The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer.

He proceeded to tell her all about the 'birds and the bees'. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?"

The little girl replied, "Mummy told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."

Car

A teenage boy was going to turn 16 in three months. He went to his father and asked him if he could have a car for his birthday. His dad said, "Son, your mother and I have been talking about that and we have a few problems with you getting your own car. First, your hair is entirely too long. You really need to get it cut. Secondly, your grades leave a lot to be desired. You really need to bring them up to at least a C+. Finally, your mother really wants you to spend more time reading the Bible. You take care of those three things, and then we'll talk about a car."

Three months later, it's the boy's 16th birthday. He comes to his dad and asks again about the car. His dad says, "Well Son, your mother and I have been talking about that and we're really happy about how well you're doing in school. When last we checked, you had a B average. Also, your mom says that you've been keeping up with your daily Bible readings quite well. However, you haven't bothered to get a haircut since before we started talking about a car."

The boy says, "Dad, I've been reading in the Bible and I've learned quite a few things. For one thing, I've learned that both Moses and Jesus had long hair. I think that if long hair was good enough for Moses and Jesus, it ought to be good enough for me."

His dad replied, "You know son, you're right about Moses and Jesus both having long hair, but if you remember from your Bible readings, Moses and Jesus both walked everywhere they went!"
Punctuation
An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing," on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."

Exams question: Draw the female reproduction organ.

As the exam was on-going, a girl looked between her legs. A boy saw her and shouted "Sir, she's copying from the original."

A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop, and with them are their nine children.

A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they discover it to be overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able board the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk to town.

After a while the husband gets irritated by the ticking noise the stick makes as the blind man taps it on the sidewalk and says to him: "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy! "

The blind man replies:"If you would've put a rubber on the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut up!

Electric Chair

Four Ghanaians commit an offense. They were given four types of the death penalty options to choose from: Electric chair, Firing squad, Hanging, or HIV INJECTION.

On the fateful day, the 4 Ghanaians went straight to the Executioner to get killed.

The Ewe man chose the electric chair; and boom he was gone!

The Ga man chose the firing squad. A shot was fired, and boom he was gone.

The Fante man was lifted by the Executioner of the stool and boom he was gone!

Asante man walked confidently to the Executioner and selected the HIV INJECTION option. They injected a bottle of the deadly virus into his veins. And off he goes! He walks confidently to his cell and tells his cell mates, pointing at the Executioners:

"Nkwaseafuor, wommo nnim seh meshe condom!" Which literally means those Stupid people, they don't know that I'm wearing a condom

Closer to God

A 70-year-old man went to the doctor's for a physical. The doctor ran some tests and said to the man, "Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?" And the man answered, "Oh me and God? We have a really tight bond, he's so good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off."

The Doctor was astonished. He called the man's wife and said, "I'd like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?"

And she said, "That idiot, he's been peeing in the refrigerator!"

Kojo, Nii and Atia, were stumbling home from the Apketeshie bar late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the Awudome Cemetary in Accra.

"Come have a look over here," says Kojo, "It's Akwasi Asare's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 81."

"That's nothing", says Nii, "here's one named Akwetey Nortey, it says here that he was 93 when he died.

"Just then, Atia yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 160!"

"What was his name?" asks Kojo? Atia stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Kumasi."

This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it.

Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did.

Somebody got angry about this, because it was Everybody's job.

Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.

It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done!

Angel Gabriel & Nigeria
Gabriel came to the Lord and said, "I have to talk to you. I have some Nigerians up here in Heaven who are causing some problems.

They are swinging on the Pearly Gates, my horn is missing, Maggi sauce and Ogbono soup are all over their robes; hamhocks. Isi-ewu, Cow-feet and Bokoto bones are all over the streets of Gold; some folk are walking around with one wing, they have been late taking their turn in keeping the stairway to heaven clean. There are beer bottles all over the clouds, some aren't even wearing their halos, saying it doesn't fit with their hairstyles."

The Lord said, "I made them special, as I did you, my angel. Heaven is home to all my children. If you really want to know about problems, let's call the Devil."

The Devil answered the phone, "Hello? What the....!, hold on one minute." The Devil returned to the phone and said, "Hello Lord, what can I do for you?" The Lord replied, "Tell me what kind of problems you are having down there." The Devil said, "Wait one minute," and put the Lord on hold. After 5 minutes he returned to the phone, and said "Okay, I'm back. What was the question?" The Lord said, "What kind of problems are you having down there?" The Devil said, "Man, I don't belieee.....hold on, Lord".

This time the Devil was gone for 15 minutes. The Devil returned and said, "I'm sorry Lord, I can't talk right now. These Nigerians put the fire out, and now they are trying to install air conditioning! They even bribed my guys!!"

The Contractor

Three contractors were visiting a tourist attraction on the same day. One was from Ghana, another from Germany, and the third from USA. At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living.

When they all replied that they were contractors, the guard said, "Hey we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys take a look at it & give me a bid?" So, to the back fence they all went to check it out.

First to step up was the German contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, "Well figure the job will run about ?900. ?400 for materials, ?400 for my crew, and ?100 profit for me."

Next was the American contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, "Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and 100 profit for me."

Without so much as moving, the Ghanaian contractor said, "$2,700." The guard, incredulous, looked at him and said, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

"Easy," he said pulling the guard to one side and lowering his voice. "$1,000 for you, $1,000 for me and we hire the guy from America."

Cock-a-doodle-doo

A small village priest was very fond of the hens he kept in the hen house behind the parish rectory. He had a cock rooster and about a dozen hens.

One Saturday evening, he noticed that the cock rooster was missing. He suspected that cock fights were taking place in the village, so he decided to do something about it at church the following morning.

The next morning at mass, he asked the congregation, "Does anyone have a cock?" All the men stood up.

"Oh no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anyone seen a cock?" All the women stood up.

"No, that wasn't what I meant," he said. "Has anyone seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?" Half of the women stood up.

"Oh dear," he said, "that wasn't what I meant, either. Has anyone seen my cock?" All the nuns stood up!

PIDGIN VERSION OF PSALM 23

1. e Lord is mai shepherd I dey kamkpe

2.He make mi sidon for where betta dey flow Come put me next to stream make mai bodi Thermacool.

3.He panel beat mai soul come spray am white, come dey lead me dey go through express road of righteousness for sake of Hin name.

4.Walahi!, if I waka pass where arm robber, 419 and juju people borku, come even join okada reach valley of the shadow of death sef, mai bodi dey inside cloth. Your rod and staff nko? Na so dem dey back like bone dey comfort me.

5.You don prepare Banga and starch make I chop. All mai enemies dey look anyaa. You rub me for head wit Vaseline Intensive Lotion. Mai cup na Ogunpa wey come overflow.

6.True true, betta life and mercy go cum mai back till I quench. And man go tanda for God house sotey sotey from Lai lai to lai lai.

GOD ALMIGHTY, NA YOU BIKO.
AMIN!

"Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, 'I slept with your mother!'"

The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the second guy will do.

"The first again yells, 'I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!'

"The other says, 'Go home dad, you're drunk."'

A priest in a small Irish village was fond of chickens. He kept a hen house in back of the parish. He had a cock rooster and about ten hens. One Saturday night, there were some cock fights in the town, and mysteriously, the priest's rooster was missing.

He decided to do something about it at church the next morning. At Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?" All the men stood up. "No, no,"he said, "That's not what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?" All the women stood up. "No, no, that's not what I mean..has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?" Half the women stood up. "No, No, I mean to say, has anybody seen MY cock?" All the nuns stood up...

A psychotherapist, starting from scratch, was having such success in his business that he could now afford to have a proper shop banner advertising his wares. So he told a kid to paint the sign board for him & put it above his shop entrance.

But, instead of his business building up, it began to slacken. He had especially noticed the ladies shying away from his shop after reading the sign board. So he decided to check it out himself. Then he began to understand why!

The boy found a small wooden board so he had to split the word in 3 places.
The sign read:

Psycho-
the-
rapist.

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde all work in the same office with the same female boss. Every day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that when the boss left, they'd leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back, so how was she to know?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at her spa before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy, happy, happy to be home, but when she got to her bedroom she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly, quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS!!! Ever so gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, during their coffee break, the brunette and redhead mentioned leaving early again, and asked the blonde if she was with them.

"NO WAY," she exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!"

A gentleman, fresh out of gift ideas, bought his mother-in- law a large plot in an expensive cemetery. On her next birthday, he bought her nothing.

She was quick to comment, loud and long, on his thoughtlessness. The gentleman said only one thing - "Well, you haven't used the gift I gave you last year."

Three nuns on a train had been getting to know one another and decided to tell each other what their greatest sins were.

The first nun says, "My greatest sin is sex. Every year I go out for a week and work as a prostitute. Of course, I put all the money I earn into the poor box."

The second nun says, "My greatest sin is drinking. Every year I take the money from the poor box and go out drinking for a solid week."

The third just sits there quietly.

So the first nun says to her, "Come on, we've told you our worst sins. Now you have to tell us yours."

The third nun says, "My greatest sin is that I gossip, and I can't wait to get off this train!"

Kojo and Yaw had not seen each other in many years, since they left Ghana. They met in New York. Now they had a long talk trying to fill in the gap of those years by telling about their lives. Finally Kojo invited Yaw to visit him in his new apartment. "I have a wife and three children and I'd love to have you visit us."

"Great. Where do you live?"

"Here's the address. And there's plenty of parking behind the apartment. Park and come around to the front door, kick it open with your foot, go to the elevator and press the button with your left elbow, then enter! When you reach the sixth floor, go down the hall until you see my name on the door. Then press the doorbell with your right elbow and I'll let you in."

"Good. But tell me... what is all this business of kicking the front door open, then pressing elevator buttons with my right, then my left elbow?"

"Surely, you're not coming empty-handed."

Good morning, Ladies and Gentlemen.
This is your captain (Boneyface) welcoming you on board of Nigeria Airways.

We apologize for the four-day delay in taking off, it was due to bad weather and some overtime I had to put in at the bakery. This is flight 126 to Lagos. Landing in Lagos is not guaranteed, but we will end up somewhere in the South. If luck is in our favour, we may even be landing on your village! Nigeria Airways has an excellent safety-record. In fact our safety standards are so high that even terrorists are afraid to fly with us!

It is with pleasure, I announce that starting this year over 50% of our passengers have reached their destination. If our engines are too noisy for you, on passenger request, we can arrange to turn them off!. To make your free fall to earth pleasant and memorable, we serve complimentary Bongo tea and Okin biscuits!

For our not-so-religious passengers, we are the only airline who can help you find out if there really is a God!

We regret to inform you, that today's in-flight movie will not be shown as we forgot to record it from the television. But for our movie buffs, we will be flying right next to Air Barka, where their movie will be visible from the right side of the cabin window.

There is no smoking allowed in this airplane. Any smoke you see in the cabin is only the early warning system on the engines telling us to slow down!

In order to catch important landmarks, we try to fly as close as possible for the best view. If, however, we go a little too close, do let us know. Our enthusiastic co-pilot sometimes flies right through the landmark!

Kindly be seated, keep your seat in an upright position for take-off and fasten your set-belt. For those of you who can't find a seat-belt, kindly fasten your own belt to the arm of your seat ... and for those of youwho can't find a seat, do not hesitate to get in touch with a stewardesswho will explain how to fasten yourself to your suitcase."

ENJOY Nigeria Airways !

The following quotes were taken from actual medical records as dictated by physicians.

By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.

The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.

The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

Healthy-appearing decrepit sixty-nine-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

The patient refused an autopsy.

The patient has no past history of suicides.

The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant, with only a forty-pound weight gain in the past three days.

She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

She is numb from her toes down.

The skin was moist and dry.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

Sales Crap

An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.

He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it."

She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?"

The salesman says, "Why do you ask?"

She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."

By the time Kojo arrived at the football game, the first half was almost over.
"Why are you so late?" his friend asked.
"I had to toss a coin to decide between going to church and coming to the game."
"How long could that have taken you?"
"Well, I had to toss it 14 times."

Two men were having a conversation.
A: "My ears got burnt!"
B: "How did that happen?"
A: "You see, I was ironing and the phone rang and instead of picking up the phone
I picked up the iron."
B: "So how did the second one get burnt"?
A: "The person called back."

A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice.

The father replies: "My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy."

The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy's nervousness builds.

He remembers his father's advice, and chooses the first topic.

He asks the girl: "Do you like fufu?" She says "No," and the silence returns.

After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, "Do you have a brother?" Again, the girl says "No" and there is silence once again.

The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father's advice and asks the girl the following question: "If you had a brother, would he like fufu?"

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a rabbi, if they could discuss his use of the family car. His father took him into his study and said: "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Talmud a little, get your hair cut and then we'll talk about it."

After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. They again went into the father's study where the father said: "Son, I've been very proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied the Talmud diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut."

The young man waited a moment and then replied:" You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."

The rabbi said: "Yes, and they walked everywhere they went."

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

Gardner goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."
"We're short-handed, Gardner," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."
"Thanks boss," says Gardner, "I knew I could count on you!"

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young MBA fresh out of MIT, "what starting salary were you looking for?"

The candidate said, "In the neighborhood of $130,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The HR Person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 6-weeks vacation, 13 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow!!! Are you kidding?"

And the HR Person said, "Certainly, but you started it."

A boy and his Father, who just arrived directly from a village in Ghana to the USA, went to a shopping mall. They were amazed by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.

The boy asked his Father, "What is that Father?"

The Father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like that in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his Father were watching, an elderly woman slowly walked up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady walked between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up.

They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a gorgeous woman stepped out.

The Father said to his son, "Go get your Mother".

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn't been feeling well and wants to find out if he's ill. After the checkup, the doctor comes out with the results of the examination.

"I'm afraid I have some bad news. You're dying and you don't have much time," the doctor says.
"Oh no, that's terrible! How long have I got?" the man asks.
"10.." says the doctor.
"10? 10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!" he asks desperately.
"10... 9... 8... 7..."

ARE WE COMMUNICATING??

A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor asked.
"No!", the man shouted, "This is her husband!".

...

There was an Ghanaian lady married to a English gentleman who had moved to London. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but any how managed to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs.
The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know how to say it, and so unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The lady got what she wanted.
The 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. She brought her husband to the store...

Question: What were you thinking?

(Scroll down)

Hellooo!, her husband speaks English! Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent. "The flight to Egypt," said Kyle.

"I see ... And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus," Ms. Terri said. "But who's the fourth person?" Oh, that's Pontius -- the Pilot!"

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so. The mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath. The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby.

The little boy responded: "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Spank him again."

Sorry, Wrong Number

It's Saturday morning and John's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So John heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.

"Hello?" says a little girl's voice.

"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says John. "Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Fred."

After a brief pause, John says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Fred, honey!"

"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"

"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Fred that my car's just pulled up outside the house."

"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."

"And what happened?"

"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead."

"Oh, my God! What about Uncle Fred?"

"He jumped out of bed too, and he was all scared, and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too."

There is a long pause.

"Swimming pool? Is this 555-3097?"

Retirement Bonus

The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired straight away his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points on the general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.

The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet, he walked out with a check of $720,000.

The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet, he walked out with a check for $960,000.

When the third general, a grizzled old Marine, was asked where to measure, he told the pension man: "From the tip of my penis to the bottom of my testicles."

The pension man suggested that perhaps the pointing out the nice checks the previous two generals had received.

The Marine insisted and the pension expert said that would be fine but that he'd better get the medical officer to do the measuring. The medical officer attended and asked the general to drop 'em. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back.

"My God!" he said. "Where are your testicles?"

The general replied, "In Vietnam."

Simple Logic

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court. But the custody of their child posed a problem. The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the child into this world, she should retain custody of them. The man also wanted the custody of his children.

The judge asked for his side of the story too. After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied "Judge, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?"

Hi Honey...

A woman gets home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs,
"Honey, pack your bags; I won the damn lottery!"

The husband says, "Oh my God!? No sh*t?!? What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"

The wife yells back, "it doesn't matter....just get the f*ck out!"

Hi Honey...

A group of men are sitting in a sauna discussing business and stocks when suddenly a cellular phone rings.
"Hi honey, are you at the club?"
"Yes, dear."
"Honey you won't believe this but I'm standing in front of Giovannis and there's a beautiful mink on sale in the window."
"How much is it, dear?"
"They're giving it away. Only $5000. Can you believe it?"
"But you already have fur coats?"
"Please dear it's absolutely exquisite!"
"Fine, fine go ahead and buy it!"
"Thank you sweetheart. Oh, not to keep you much longer, I passed by the Mercedes dealership this morning and saw their new convertible. It was to die for! I talked to the salesman and the one in the showroom is brand new, leather seats, power everything, gold coloured. What do you think??"
"Honey, come on, we already have cars!"
"You promised me that I could get a convertible!"
"How much is it?"
"You won't believe it but he said he'd let us have it for $85,000 fully loaded with all the options!!!"
"OK, OK, go ahead and purchase it!"
"I love you, you're the best husband a wife could ask for. I hope I'm not pushing it, but remember our trip we took to Paris? Remember the Brown's place with the swimming pool, tennis courts? It's on the market to be sold. I saw it this morning at the Real Estate agency. If we bought it we would have a perfect place to stay during the cold winter months!!!"
"I had actually thought about it. You say it's on the market?"
"Really, you were actually thinking about it? Can I go make an offer on it? You know it's not listed very high, and It would be perfect for our type of lifestyle!!"
"How much is it listed at?"
"Only $425,000 sweetheart. It's a steal!"
"I guess we've got money put away. Go ahead and make an offer but no more than $415,000."
"This is turning out to be a great day! Can't wait to see you later tonight to celebrate!!!"
"See you tonight dear."
The man hangs up the cellular phone and asks, "So, who's phone is this?"

I can do that

The circus was in town and they were advertising for a replacement lion tamer. The morning of the auditions, a group of prospective applicants, including one statuesque blonde dressed in a trench coat. The circus manager ined up the applicants, putting the blonde at the head of the line, and instructed her to enter the lion's cage to see if she qualified for the job.

As the blonde entered the cage, the lion was released from his pen, and leaped towards the blonde, growling teeth bared. Just as the lion was about to pounce on the blonde, she opened her trench coat to reveal that she was completely naked.

The lion came to an abrupt halt, crouched down and crawled over to the blonde, and began licking her feet, legs and thighs.

The circus manager, turning to the next applicant in line asked him, "Do you think you could do that?"

"Hell yes," answered the man, "Just get that damn lion out of there."

GETTING INTO HEAVEN

A guy arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted. St. Peter is reading through the Big Book to see if the guy's name is written in it. After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow, and says, "I'm sorry, I don't see your name written in the Book."

"How current is your copy?" he asks.

"I get a download every ten minutes," St. Peter replies, "why do you ask?"

"I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type. It was not until my death was imminent that I cried out to God, so my name probably hasn't arrived to your copy yet."

"I'm glad to hear that," Pete says, "but while we're waiting for the update to come through, can tell me about a really good deed that you did in your life?"

The guys thinks for a moment and says, "Humm, well there was this one time when I was driving down a road and I saw a group of biker gang members harassing this poor girl. I slowed down, and sure enough, there they were, about 20 of them harassing this poor woman. Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy; 6-foot-4, 260 pounds, with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ears. As I walked up to the leader, the bikers formed a circle around me and told me to get lost or I'd be next."

"So I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, "Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of SICK, deranged animals! Go home before I really teach you a lesson in PAIN!"

St. Peter, duly impressed, says "Wow! When did this happen?"

"About three minutes ago."

Parrot's Life

An old man was sitting on a bench in the mall when a young man with spiked hair came over and sat down beside him. The boy's hair was yellow and green and orange and purple. He had black makeup around his eyes.

The old man just stared at him.

The boy said, "What's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done anything wild in your life?"

The old man answered, "Well yes, actually, I have. I once got drunk and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."

How Abacha Died

Clinton, Yeltsin, Abacha and a school boy were taking this one pilot driven flight. Suddenly the plane's engine blew up.

Pilot: 'We are going to crash, the only way we can make it is if we take the parachute and jump'.

They looked around but found only 4 parachute packages.

Clinton: 'Look here, I am the President of the United States, if I die, there will be chaos in the whole world'.

So he grabbed a chute and jumped.

Yeltsin: 'Look here, I am the Premier of a reformed Russia, if I die, Communism will rise again. You don't want that, I'm sure!'.

So he took the chute next to him and jumped.

Abacha: 'Look here, I am the Nigerian Head of state, if I die, the whole country will go upside down'.

So he took a package and jumped.

Pilot: 'Look here kid, I have lived a long life. But you have a long future ahead of you. Why don't you take the last chute and jump?'

Kid: 'Don't worry sir, we can still both take a chute each and jump'.

Pilot: 'How can that be?'

Kid: 'The Nigerian fellow took my school bag

Letter From Grand Ma

Got a letter from Grandma the other day. She writes..
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed! I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is,and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus!

Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love Of GOD!! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window an started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach."

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger pointing up at the heavens above. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant,he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.

My grandson burst out laughing . . why, even he was enjoying this religious experience! A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended,but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers, grinning, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Words of Wisdom

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're planning on stealing your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of loan payments.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away plus you have their shoes.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is definitely not for you.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.

If you lend someone twenty bucks, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

Never ever squat with your spurs on.

If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

The deadly Wish

A man was complaining:
Oh Lord, please have mercy on me, I work so hard, meantime my wife stays at home, I would give anything if you would grant me one wish "switch me into my wife" she's got it easy at home I want to teach her a lesson of how tough a man's life is.

As God was listening he felt sorry for this soul and granted his wish.

Next morning the "new woman" wakes up at dawn, makes lunch boxes, prepares breakfast, wakes up the kids for school, puts a load of clothes in the washer, takes the meat out of the freezer, drives the kids to school, on his way back stop at the gas station, cashes a check, pays the electricity and phone bills, picks up some clothes from the cleaners, quickly goes to the market. It was 1:00 already, he made the beds, took the clothes out of the washer and put another load in, he vacuumed the house, made some rice, went to pick up the kids from school had an argument with the kids.

As soon as he got home he fed the kids, washed the dirty dishes, he hung the damp clothes he had washed on the chairs because it was raining outside. He helped the kids with their homework, watched some TV while he ironed some clothes, prepared dinner, he gave the kids a bath and put them to sleep. At 9:00 he was so tired and he went to bed. Of course there was some more duties and some how he managed to get them done and finally fell a sleep.

The next morning he prays to God once again:

Oh Lord, what was I thinking when I asked you to grant my wish, I can't take it anymore. I beg you please switch me back to myself, please oh please.
Then he heard God's voice speaking to him, saying:

Dear son of course I'll switch you back into yourself but there's one minor detail, you will have to wait 9 months because last night you got pregnant.

Little Johnny

Little Johnny came running into the house and asked,
"Mommy, can little girls have babies?"
"No," said his Mom, "Of course not."
Little Johnny then ran back outside and his Mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"

No Paper

A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.

Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in this one either."

Make all happy

There was this african president having a helicopter ride with his finance Minister. While flying over a city, the president said to his minister, ' i Will throw a dollar out of this helicopter and when someone finds it, it Will make his day'.
'Don't be mean, boss,' replied the minister, ' i will throw five dollars out And it can make a whole family happy'.
The pilot then said, ' i can do better, i will throw both of you out and Make the whole country happy'.

What are You Doing

A village school teacher expected a visit from the local education officer so He prepared his class one pupils for the occasion. When the e.o. arrived in The class room, the teacher said, 'class, stand up, what are you doing?'
The reply from the pupils was, 'we are standng up'.
The teacher then said 'class, sit down, what are you doing?'
'We are sitting down', relpied the pupils.
The answers looked too rehearsed to the e.o. so he said, 'hands up, what are You doing?'
Little was his surprise when the pupils answered, ' we are handsing up'.

We are what we are There was a plane flying over the Atlantic. The pilot got on the intercom and said that the plane was experiencing difficulties and that the weigh would have to be lessened on the plane. So he said that everyone had to throw their luggage off the plane. Everyone did. He got back on the intercom, "The plane is still too heavy, so people are going to have to jump off, but we're going to do this alphabetically.

All African-Americans please jump off the plane. "No one stood up. He got back on and said, "All Blacks, please jump off the plane. " still no one stood up. "All coloreds, please jump off the plane." Again, no one stood up. Then the smart, well-mannered little Black boy turned to his prim and proper well-educated, affluent mother and said, "Mother, aren't we all those things?"

And the mother answered, "No baby, we're niggers today."

The Fued

Two physicans boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off, an attorney got on and took the aisle seat next to the two physicians.

The attorney kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the physician in the window seat said," I think I'll get up and get a coke."

"No problem," said the attorney, "I'll get it for you."

While he was gone, one of the physicians picked up the attorney's shoe and spat in it. When he returned with the coke, the other physician said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."

Again, the attorney obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other physician picked up the other shoe and spat in it. The attorney returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the attorney slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"

Sniff Sniff

There was a family off moles that lived in a hole just outside a farmhouse.
There was a Papa mole, a Mama mole, and an itty bitty Baby mole. One morning the Papa mole woke up and poked his head outside. He sniffed the air and said: "I smell pancakes!" Hearing that, Mama mole scurried up the hole and squeezed in next to Papa mole, sniffed the air and said: "Mmm, I smell maple syrup!"
This got Baby mole's attention and he ran up the hole and tried to peek out but found his mother and father were blocking the entrance.
To which he said: "All I smell is molasses!"

Several centuries ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave. The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked an elderly aged man named Moishe to represent them. Rabbi
Moishe's Latin wasn't very good - in fact, he knew very little--but he was a man of great faith and well respected in the Jewish community. The pope agreed. What could be easier than a silent debate?

The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions.

Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Moishe, "First he says to me, 'You Jews have three days to get out of here.' So I said to him, 'Up yours'. Then he tells me the whole city would be cleared of Jews. So I said to him, 'Listen here, Popey baby, the Jews ... we stay right here." "And then?" asked awoman. " Who knows?" said Moishe, "He took out his lunch so I took out mine."

hmmm...

(From Norway) There was this class four boy. At an English class at school, the teacher asked him to stand up and talk about his Father. So he started, My father's name is..... He comes from.... and so no. Then he reached the part of the food he likes best. He said, the food he likes best is BREAST. The teacher was surprise so he asked the boy why and how he got to know that. Then he said, well every morning when I wake up see my father 'eating' my mother's breast. Is this boy intelligent or what?

Because in another class, that's science, the teacher asked the children to mention some of the characteristics of the heart. Everyone of them said something and when it was the boy's turn, he stood for sometime and then said; a heart has two legs. Everybody started laughing and when the teacher tried to beat him, he told the teacher he can explain. So he was given the opportunity..... Well, sir I said that because most of the times I hear my father telling my mother, sweet HEART open your legs, open your legs.

Dorm Fine

On the first day of secondary school, the headmaster addressed the students:
"The female dormitory is out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. The second time you will be fined $60. A third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

A male student inquired, "How much for a season pass?"

???

Little Tommy was doing very poorly in math. His parents had tried everything; tutors, flash cards, "Hooked on Math," everything they could think of.

Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room and starts studying. Books and paper are spread out all over the room and Little Tommy is hard at work.

His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before.

This goes on for some time, day after day while the mother tries to understand what made all the difference. Finally, Little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books. With great trepidation his mom looks at it and to her surprise, Little Tommy got an A in Math!

She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and asks, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head. "Well then," She replies "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it?? Little Tommy looks at her and says "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."

As easy as 123

After a few years of married life , this guy finds that he is unable to perform anymore. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works.

Finally the doctor says to him "this is all in your mind", and refers him to a psychiatrist. After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confess, " I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured."

Finally the psychiatrist refers him to witch doctor.

The witch doctor tells , "I can cure this", and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke........

The witch doctor says "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '1234' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens when it's over?" The witch doctor says "all you have to say is '123' and it will go down.

The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news....... So, he is lying in bed with her and says "1234", and suddenly he gets an erection.

His wife turns over and says "What did you say '123' for?"

Look Familiar?

Two Blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmmm, this person looks familiar."

The second Blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first Blonde hands her the compact. She looks in the mirror and says, "You dumb ass, it's me!"

The Racehorse

"Doctor," Esther begs the psychiatrist, "you've got to help my husband. He thinks he's a racehorse. He wants to live in a stable, he walks on all fours - he even eats hay."

"I'm sure I can cure him," the shrink replies, "but it will take a long time and be very costly."

"Oh, money's no object," Esther says. "He's already won two races."

From The Grave

An old man and woman were married for years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most: "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.

He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket.

After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions:

Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? ... that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?

The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig all he wants, I had him buried upside down."

Bride to Be

This gentleman had been bragging around about his bride to be so his parents implored him to at least introduce her to them before the customary rites are performed. On entering the house with the lady for the first time, the father called him aside and the following conversation broke out.

Father (in a hash tone): What is this you are bringing into our family (apparently overwhelmed by her ugliness)?.

Son: Father, you can talk loudly. She can't even hear.

---Richard (Norwary)

Where is God

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were pro